No. 55 - The disappearing Dad…

Twenty young men came together to share some insights with me. They ranged from ages 15-18 and each had a history of, let’s call it, “urban life”. Each was immersed in some aspect of life many consider less than honorable, seedy,… you get the gist. Yet each responded to my call to chat with them.

So there we were, one man facing a group of twenty young men, all wondering what kind of gathering we would have, and what the outcome would be. In truth, while part of me was excited and eager to chat with these young men, another part of me was a bit fearful that things might not turn out as I hoped they would. Looking back, it did not… but that’s getting ahead of myself.

Since I knew a couple of the guys there I thought a good approach would be to start by making introductions and small talk around what these young men found interesting in their lives… what were their dreams… did they have any… all those traditional ice breakers.

Things started out fairly well and I felt a certain calm fall over us.

I was beginning to feel a bit more certain this was the right thing to do… Sometimes we have a question scratching at the back of our minds that simply will not let us rest. Depending on the complexity of the question we sometimes have to seek the answers from others. This was one of those times… and my mind was REALLY itching. I simply had to have the answers to my questions.

So when the time was right (at least I felt the time was right) I calmly dove into a series of questions that would lead me to what I hoped would be the scratch for my itch.

“How many of you have male role models in your lives?” I asked.
A few hands rose, slowly, ever so slowly. Then from a young man in the back of the group came, “What do you mean by ‘in our lives?’” Good question, I thought… here’s someone that wants clarity. I responded, “A person of the male gender who is in your life consistently and who has put forth the effort to guide you into manhood.” The room got quiet.

I sat there waiting, patiently wanting to know if such a thing existed for these young men. I wondered about my own past and considered some of my role models. I wondered what kind of person I might be today, if not for the few positive men I came across as I grew up… those men who had helped to shape my thinking of the world, and of myself.

Still quiet.

After what seemed like a week of unbearable silence I could finally take no more so I did what many of us do to break the silence: I asked one of the young men I knew best if he could share his thoughts on the question. I can’t say I feel guilty that I put him on the spot… after all, he was one of the reasons so many of there youth came along… but I’m happy that I chose him. This is a young man that had been in jail, lived LITERALLY in the streets, and is currently going from house to house as he struggles to rebuild his life. He has had issues with anger management but he continually demonstrates a willingness to get his life together. I’ll call him “U”.

So, U said “most young men only hang out with their peers because in many cases there is no adult male figure with a lasting interest in us”. I had thought as much and, in fact, this was not the first I had heard this. “That’s true for a lot of young men but surely there are grown men in your homes or family…, uncles, grandfathers, fathers, who do take an interest in you, right?” I asked.

There was a snicker that rose from two or three of the guys. I let it pass… I wasn’t being naïve, I was pushing these young men to think about their world and, by sharing their realities, help me to more honestly accept the answers to my questions.

One young man said: “What I need from some grown ass man? What he gonna do for me… most of the ones I know ain’t got time for me anyway…” I listened to his words and thought this young fellow didn’t even hear the first question I asked. He seemed as though the notion of a positive male figure in his life was some fiction, some kind of un-thought-about foolery that must have insulted him. Still, I listened.

Then U said “maybe to help, maybe to make life easier, maybe to be a Dad”.

The room broke out in laughter. It seems everyone was in on the joke, except for me. I personally took offense to how these young men found such humor in something so vitally important. I sat there, watching, waiting, and soon the room quieted down. I was getting closer to the scratch… and my itch was becoming more frantic.
“So I take it many of you don’t have a Dad, a father figure in your life?” I probed. They began looking around as if this was the first time they were aware of one another’s presence. A few leaned back in their chairs and some scratched their heads in apparent bewilderment. I had the impression many of them wanted to ask: “What kind of strange animal might I be talking about?” or “Man, where are you from?”

Then U said “we don’t use that word… not going up, I mean. If we have a kid then we say ‘I’m his Dad” or “that’s my seed” but if you’re asking if we have someone we call Dad… nah.” Then my itch started to get scratched.

“So you mean to tell me none of you use that word or regard any male figure in your life as a father figure?” I said, wanting to yell so loudly that every man in a twenty-block radius would answer my call (wishful thinking perhaps… but I wished it nonetheless). Everyone of them responded, “yup”. So there I am, now becoming perplexed and agitated. Now beginning to perceive the hurt and dysfunction that has so badly broken these young men, our community.

A little less reserved than I might have wanted, I said “So someone has to tell me why is it that you don’t think of any man as Dad, or a father figure?” Long momentary silence. Then, from the other side of the room, from a young man wrapped in layers of clothing that looked far too big for him, came: “‘Cause, man.” I waited a few moments to hear the rest of the sentence. I looked around the room, then back at the young man. That was all he would say. “’Cause…” I said.

Again, the young men looked around to one another – for support? A way out? Answers?

Someone else said “Men come and go… people say one thing and do another… it’s all too much drama and the kids end up getting hurt… torn up behind ‘grown up’ shit, (and) then we have to suffer.” How right he was. His words seemed to reverberate off the very walls right into my soul.

Then U said “’Cause they ain’t earned it and when we do, they disappear.”

No longer itching, all scratched out, I felt the pangs of despair thumping at my gut. I was forced to ask myself some very honest questions, and I had to be prepared for the answers. So many thoughts, taking me down one mental avenue to the next, a constant progression of images, beliefs, memories, and ideas all spurred on by my emotions.

Then finally I made a decision that I will challenge all Men to step to the plate and help our young men understand that we are here, and that we do care. I will do my part to guide and nurture the young men I have some influence over into manhood at every opportunity, and I will do so consistently.

So now I ask the question “What must you do to take a greater role in the lives of the young men in your sphere of influence?”

Then U said…?