No. 46 - Conditional love and failure

“Black women are angry! We’re angry and afraid because we don’t know if we can trust men these days. All this messing around, the down low brothers, just no respect at all…, no honesty, no integrity. We’re guarded all the time, just waiting for our men to come up with some nonsense, just waiting to find out he’s been unfaithful. I know I don’t give my man my all… I don’t want to get hurt again, not like I got hurt the last time… I just don’t know if I could tolerate that”! My colleague said, a mix of frustration, sadness and bewilderment inflected in her every word. The conversation went on longer and we shared questions and observations in our quest to understanding this very important issue.

As I listened to my colleague express her views and feelings regarding the realities of the modern male/female relationship -- and how so many women are impacted by the dysfunctions of today’s male perspective -- I gained a clearer understanding of why so many women are hard to reach at a deep emotional level, and unwilling to believe (and KNOW) the man they have is indeed a good man. (Please understand: This is not an attack but an acknowledgment). My colleague and I happened upon this conversation while breaking on a film shoot this week. I was impressed by her willingness to discuss this matter and her many questions on why things are so bad for so many.

I acknowledge the fact so many in the community have reduced their senses of loyalty, commitment, integrity, and regard for a strong, loving relationship to nothing more than self-serving rhetoric with no real understanding of what and how to commit. I have discussed this subject with a variety of different people, both men and women, and have come to see we have simply lost our focus on what is really important to maintaining a sustainable and vibrant relationship. I think back on the many senior couples that have survived together for decade after decade, and how (without either one of the pair saying a word) any observer would know these two love, respect, and care greatly for one another. I wonder if they had to deal with the same challenges we have in today’s world… alas, I think not.

While times have changed, while challenges have changed, while cultures have changed, I think the core of the individual has not changed. I would even venture to say it can not change. I say this because we are beings who react to our surroundings and the way in which we regard them. We have an ingrained sense of self-preservation that kicks in each time we feel threatened. Our minds go into analytical overdrive when we are faced with a situation or circumstance we perceive as counter to our desired reality. We surround ourselves with an impenetrable emotional barrier each and every time we feel a challenge is made to how we have come to express our individuality. We rationalize there’s only one way to regard the situation – my way – and anyone who challenges me is wrong. They are then cut off and placed in the “do not touch” bucket.

If an individual is not emotionally/spiritually/intelligently free of their past hardships, if the individual carries the mantle of past misdeeds and experiences into present day, then they will continue to live in the past. This is a past that holds greater power over the present – even more so than the present moment itself. How many continue to allow past bad experiences to cloud their judgment, causing them to react in ways that are counterproductive to building a strong and lasting relationship?

For sure there is that group of men that women run into from time-to-time who are clueless and not worthy of the effort required to have a loving, thriving relationship. When a woman begins to get to know them she soon to discovers they are not quite ready to live without adult supervision, much less develop a relationship with. These are the men mature women steer away from.

But that’s only one side of the coin. What about all the men out there who long for a lasting and committed relationship, who come into a new relationship ready for something far more than what they have come from, but who end up having to deal with the ghosts of past events in their present relationship, that are not their doing? What is the impact on these men? And what can be done to prevent the – sometimes subtle but most times loud and surprising – impact these negative harmonics have in the relationship?

I’m reminded of something I read in the book: In the Meantime written by Iyanla Vanzant. The very preface of this book encapsulates part of this discussion. It talks about perceptions, expectations, self-love and conditional love. It helps the reader (male and female, I should stress) better understand how important it is to recognize real love when it appears. It challenges and guides the reader to acknowledge their role in giving and receive a truer, more fulfilling love. Unconditional love. The kind of love that gives fully for the purpose of giving, and accepts the individual for whom he/she is – without a detailed line item inventory of what they ought to have or should be like. It is the kind of love that says we are here and in this together and regardless of what we might ever face, we will face it together.

Men need to know their women believe in them. They need to know they are respected, appreciated, admired, and supported by their partner. They need to feel they are not alone in their efforts to build a life and future for themselves and their loved ones. They need to know they will not be “penalized” when things don’t go well or because they happen to say or do something that reminds their partner of something from the past. And they need to be acknowledged for who they are and what they have/will accomplish in life without having to defend themselves or their life situation to their partner. And it would be good if this acknowledgment would come before the prize is won, not after, because men need to know their women are right there with them from the beginning.

My colleague has shed light on some of the real concerns held by many of her sisters and I respect that. She did well in opening my mind to this dialog and I appreciate her for that. Our community continues to grapple with overcoming years of hurt, betrayal, fear, manipulation, etc., and we are all forced to deal with the consequences of these acts. Women and Men alike stand scratching their heads in an attempt to discover how we can develop and maintain a healthy, happy and harmonious relationship. Many come to the table with a smile on their face and a pocket full of past hurts just waiting to explode, and that are guaranteed to corrupt the delicate relationship that could be. Instead of putting aside our pre-thought-out, pre-judged, pre-happiness notions of what it means to have a lasting relationship many rather puff their chests out and brag on how the relationship didn’t work because that other party didn’t meet their needs/expectations.

And Love… what of that?

Well, it’s my belief that anytime our love for a person is directly linked to whether that person can meet our needs, or some present expectation, then we’re not serious about doing the work to get the very thing we want. We’re only giving the notion of happiness and love a little thought and a lot of rhetoric.

You see, the only way to GET the love you want is to GIVE that love to your partner. Life and love is not a game of bargains because we hurt ourselves when we fail to give what is required to get what we desire. There is no game-master to dole out happiness to all who say they want it. The Universe gives that which we ask for when we do our parts in securing it.

Conditional love and failure are joined at the hip.