No. 40 - Why he did what he did…

I was sharing in conversation with my special lady, and as we talked the conversation took us down an intriguing path. We went from talking about jobs, to asking about co-workers, to the happenings at the office. It was there that the subject of this article was seeded in my mind. When we got to the point where we talked about the happenings at work, I learned that a group of lady friends had gotten together to chat, and they ended up talking about men - imagine that.

What’s more, I was told, during the conversation it was held as a prevailing feeling with many women that most (if not all) men cheat.

Oh, do we, I thought. That would include all the Men I know who understand what it means to commit and who have been faithful to their mates from day one. In truth, most guys would take offense to learning that - at least - some women regard men as such. But I like to think about things in a more comprehensive way… so I asked myself, why do the men I am aware of that cheat on their women do so?

So let’s examine that question… let’s pursue it and see what gems of possibility will be uncovered as we take the journey to greater insight.

It has been my observation that most men that cheat have a common theme of holding little, no, or a distorted regard for women. They have a certain “smugness” about how they demand to be treated and, when their demands go unmet, they find reason to go out and cheat.

How easy it would be if the answer to the question were so simple. Alas, I must admit… it is not the case – there’s something more, something deeper to consider.

The act of cheating can be broken down to an act of deliberate betrayal by one person on another, and it is a violation of a sacred trust and commitment to remain true to the person one has committed to. If we look at it from that angle then the question becomes what causes a Man – a Man in his fullness, I should stress – to betray the one he has avowed himself to? … And how is it that a Man can get to the point where he can so readily compromise his integrity and virtue, risking the loss of the very things he “loves” – his wife, family, home, peace?

I believe a Man in his fullness understands and values his commitments and knows how to overcome the temptations that so frequently tease at us. I believe a Man is the embodiment of every word that is expressed out of his mouth, and the action (or actions) he takes to represent or manifest his word. In other words, our reputation is established by how well we say what we mean, mean what we say, and do what we say we will do. It is that reputation - and our actions - that cause people in our lives to believe what we say and to form their opinion around men and fidelity.

If this interpretation of what it means to be a Man rings true for you, then the obvious conclusion we must draw is that men who cheat do not meet the criteria for what we understand it means to be a Man.

This is good news, in truth, because now we can approach the question in a way that can help in easily determining how to resolve it. You see, we are an ever-changing, ever-growing people, constantly in a state of flux. We are quite capable of accomplishing any and every goal we set. And we have the innate potential to grow towards something greater.

Keep in mind I us the word “we” because I am a Man and when considering this subject I must acknowledge I am part of the whole.

My thinking is that while there are so many adult males in our community, nowadays we are inundated with messages and stories that cause us to believe there are only a few good Men out there. Many are challenged to believe they (good Men) exist in greater numbers than what we might have been led to think.

And for the men who have fallen victim to temptation again and again, the challenge is to find a way to look within and value the prospect of personal development. Many have become complacent in their regard for the values that have sustained us throughout all of our social challenges. Many have allowed the many diverse distractions that challenge us all on a daily basis to undermine our sense of growth and development.

In considering how a woman might feel if she believes that all men cheat, I can imagine that living day-to-day with the haunting thought of the Man she loves cheating on her would wreak havoc on an otherwise peaceful experience. It could create an overwhelming sense of fear and distrust when engaging in relations, which could become a major challenge to maintaining her relationship. It could cause arguments and other frustrations in a relationship when there is only a perceived notion that there is infidelity in relationship. It is no wonder there is such distrust, mistrust, disharmony, and loneliness in the world.

I think the key to overcoming the notion held by some women that all men cheat is for men and women to engage in meaningful dialog around individual observations and perceptions to gain better understanding. I think Mothers and Fathers ought to become more cognizant of the mental perceptions held by their children and do their part in guiding these valued youth toward a healthier regard for one another. And I think it would be quite nice to see couples that might be grappling with such fears gain a better understanding of - and the ability to - work through the issues together.

I think the community as a whole would benefit from such a combined effort in gaining insight into why he did what he did…