For the last couple nights I’ve been having this recurring dream that has me perplexed. I’ve awakened wondering at its meaning as I try to sort out the details. I find myself contemplating it throughout the day because, in my opinion, my subconscious mind it grappling with something that obviously needs to be sorted out.
The dream goes like this:
I’m looking at a woman who I’m deeply in love with. She has no name and she has no features other than a natural aura, form and charisma that sends me to Glory. My love for her is completely consuming and there is no question I am the one to love this woman. I know without question I have the love, commitment and passion she needs in her life, and I know mine is genuine and lasting.
But, she has a man. He takes her for granted, caring very little for her heart and even less for her mind. He has no awareness whatsoever of her Spirituality. Yet, she continues to give herself over to this person.
I see him as a grey man, featureless and ghostly with an aura of distrust and selfishness. I am aware of his presence yet he is not aware of mine. I watch as she toils through the frustration of giving herself to him even as he does not welcome her attempts. In frustration and sadness I wait in agitated silence for her to somehow see him for who he really is, and to then see me for who I am.
When she is in my company, she tempts me with her beauty and sensuality. She holds my attention even before she enters my mind. She teases my senses with her elegant charm and radiance. We talk, we laugh, we share time together doing a variety of things yet never do we “cross the line.” I see her smile and I sense her inner glow, all warming and inviting. She is such a draw to me.
I awaken from these dreams slowly, wanting the feelings I experience to linger, wanting the moments to survive. And I wonder why is it that this dream has decided to invade my peaceful slumber? Why have these thoughts and images decided to visit me in my most vulnerable state?
And, Who is she?
I’ve read a lot about our minds, dreams, and how we consider the world we live in. I’ve come to understand that when we sleep, and attain a state of rest, our conscious and subconscious minds go about the task of solving problems that we think about in our waking state. That said, I have to believe this dream represents my own attempt to resolve some issue that is obviously quite important to me.
Wanting to finally have this itch scratched, I looked online to one of the many dream interpretation web sites (www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/) and here is what I’ve gleaned from my investigation:
The Woman: Represents nurturance, passivity, caring nature, and love.
The Other Man (Adultery): Represents insecurity or fear of being abandoned (by this Woman).
Waiting (Patience): Represents going through a healing process.
Temptation: Represents a conflict between my Self and my desires and between instant gratification and long term goals.
Alas, I see the truth.
I am at the point in my life where I will be transitioning to do a different kind of work, less community focused, more self focused. As I interpret the areas I’ve listed above, it appears to me that I am dealing with an inner conflict because I have decided to shift my course in life.
I’m a little fearful of (The Other Man) losing my connection to my community (The Woman) because I have chosen a new pursuit (The Temptation). But, even as I carry this fear, I have already begun the healing process (The waiting) that will ultimately help me come to terms with my decision and lead to my becoming a better person.
Well, that’s refreshing to know. I’m only human and I am somewhat torn between that which I love and care about on the one hand, and that which I love and care about on the other hand. Ironic.
As I think about this I’m pleased to know there is a legitimate basis for the symbology in my dreams. One could easily choose to take a more “tangible” approach to understanding my dream, thinking my desires are less than honest. I believe this would lead to suspicions of my having a desire to become unfaithful, or thinking I might have a “feeling” that my wife is unfaithful to me. How far from the truth this would have been.
So, in asking and answering the question this dispatch poses one final time:
Who is she?
She is the community that I love and think so highly of. She is the young, the old, the good and the bad in all of us. She is the challenges and the victories we all experience daily. She is us.
28 September 2009
15 September 2009
No. 75 - Favorite Quotes
Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.
It is better to be loved than feared.
However long the night, the dawn will break.
Being happy is better than being King - or Queen.
All truth is good, but not all truth is good to say.
Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.
Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.
Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.
A wise man changes his mind, a fool never does.
It is better to be loved than feared.
However long the night, the dawn will break.
Being happy is better than being King - or Queen.
All truth is good, but not all truth is good to say.
Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.
Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.
Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.
A wise man changes his mind, a fool never does.
30 August 2009
No. 74 - An absence of presence
There are times in our lives when we are so caught up in our thinking or feelings about something that we create an impenetrable shield around us, allowing no words or other viewpoints to influence us. Our inner center is so intimately attached to one view or the other that nothing and no one can cause us to acknowledge and give value to a different perspective. We find justification for our position and seek confirmation simply because we think our view is right, or better, or smarter... you get the picture.
It is when we are so deeply immersed in such thinking and emotional avarice that we lose site of whatever master plan or noble goal we might have claimed as our own. This is especially true when it comes to the modern relationship, for all too often the parties wage war, and the potential for evolving into something great is ruined because one (or both) parties cannot break away from their right to “stand their ground” on a position they hold dear.
I call this an absence of presence.
As I consider this it becomes clearer to me this could well be at the core of many problems or disconnects we experience in life, and on many levels. It could be the reason relationships fail in the midst of finger pointing, arguments, and feelings of abandonment. It is, indeed, the very thing that causes separation, distrust and insecurity in relationships because it causes the bonds of the union to dissipate into nothingness.
What happens to a conversation when one or both parties refuse to allow the other perspective to enter into the dialog? What is the result of placing little or no value on the views of the other person? Who gains, who loses? And what is accomplished when two people are battling for what they say is a common goal, yet both have devalued the others perspective?
A lot to think about, for sure, but I think there is a much bigger question we should bring into the conversation as well: Why do people hold on to their positions so violently when there is no reason to do so?
Now that’s a juicy question...
As I consider things I have a sense that we have come to attach our identity to the views and opinions we hold dear. These views and opinions have been reflected upon, internalized, and embraced at a spiritual level for many and are therefore critical in the shaping of how we view the world and interact with others. They help in defining who we are as individuals and they set the boundaries that form our comfort zone. Yet even at this spiritual level, is the view helpful to the individual by creating harmony, peace, and a more enriching life experience? If it is then it is good, if it is not, then it should change.
When these boundaries are crossed we immediately grab hold of our internal reference materials and assess the situation. When we find a position is being challenged we call in the intellectual or emotional reinforcements and set about making ready for battle with the opponent (who in the case of a challenged relationship is the very person we say we love). Next thing you know, what began as an opportunity to learn and grow has been flipped and the relationship finds itself struggling for air.
But is this a matter of holding firm to what we believe in for some moral reason, or is it a matter of being unwilling to grow?
I think we have lost our sense of moral conviction and we have ignored the power this conviction once had in our lives. I think we are unwilling to grow. I think we fight the notion of continued growth daily because we have become “safe and secure” under the umbrella of opinions and ideals that define us. It is easy to say we want to grow, but how many people actually do grow?
Just to be clear, my thinking is that when two people are safe in their zones and have found mutual and lasting peace then that’s great and there is a nurturing harmony that is shared by all. At the same time, if a couple or person is challenged to reconsider a position that is contrary to an individual or common goal, then this presents a personal growth opportunity.
Instead of being afraid of thinking outside of the box we should feel good knowing we can embrace ideas, notion, perspectives, and concepts that are consistent with our views as well as those that are completely different.
Of course, each case is different and merits individual scrutiny. When we consider differing views there should be a standard we must compare each side to, and we should agree to accept the position that either reaches the standard, helps to realize a shared goal, or both. I think this is where a couple or group can exercise its greatest power to move towards a goal and I think this is the “muscle” that is least exercised in troubled relationships.
All too often we get stuck in the mud of selfish, argumentative, individual idealism when it is in our best interests to put the individual view aside and embrace a view that will benefit “all”.
I wonder what it takes to make that possible... I wonder how can we move forward with a different approach to interacting with one another. I wonder if my thoughts and opinions are too idealistic for the modern world, and if I should not challenge others to see things differently.
Alas, I am who I am and this is my calling.
One final word...
When we are lost and caught up in our absence of presence we never experience all that is there before us. We are lost within our own minds because we have allowed our thoughts to imprison our sense of external awareness. All we see and hear and know are the thoughts that reverberate within our minds that reinforce a position that might actually go against our best interests.
It is when we are so deeply immersed in such thinking and emotional avarice that we lose site of whatever master plan or noble goal we might have claimed as our own. This is especially true when it comes to the modern relationship, for all too often the parties wage war, and the potential for evolving into something great is ruined because one (or both) parties cannot break away from their right to “stand their ground” on a position they hold dear.
I call this an absence of presence.
As I consider this it becomes clearer to me this could well be at the core of many problems or disconnects we experience in life, and on many levels. It could be the reason relationships fail in the midst of finger pointing, arguments, and feelings of abandonment. It is, indeed, the very thing that causes separation, distrust and insecurity in relationships because it causes the bonds of the union to dissipate into nothingness.
What happens to a conversation when one or both parties refuse to allow the other perspective to enter into the dialog? What is the result of placing little or no value on the views of the other person? Who gains, who loses? And what is accomplished when two people are battling for what they say is a common goal, yet both have devalued the others perspective?
A lot to think about, for sure, but I think there is a much bigger question we should bring into the conversation as well: Why do people hold on to their positions so violently when there is no reason to do so?
Now that’s a juicy question...
As I consider things I have a sense that we have come to attach our identity to the views and opinions we hold dear. These views and opinions have been reflected upon, internalized, and embraced at a spiritual level for many and are therefore critical in the shaping of how we view the world and interact with others. They help in defining who we are as individuals and they set the boundaries that form our comfort zone. Yet even at this spiritual level, is the view helpful to the individual by creating harmony, peace, and a more enriching life experience? If it is then it is good, if it is not, then it should change.
When these boundaries are crossed we immediately grab hold of our internal reference materials and assess the situation. When we find a position is being challenged we call in the intellectual or emotional reinforcements and set about making ready for battle with the opponent (who in the case of a challenged relationship is the very person we say we love). Next thing you know, what began as an opportunity to learn and grow has been flipped and the relationship finds itself struggling for air.
But is this a matter of holding firm to what we believe in for some moral reason, or is it a matter of being unwilling to grow?
I think we have lost our sense of moral conviction and we have ignored the power this conviction once had in our lives. I think we are unwilling to grow. I think we fight the notion of continued growth daily because we have become “safe and secure” under the umbrella of opinions and ideals that define us. It is easy to say we want to grow, but how many people actually do grow?
Just to be clear, my thinking is that when two people are safe in their zones and have found mutual and lasting peace then that’s great and there is a nurturing harmony that is shared by all. At the same time, if a couple or person is challenged to reconsider a position that is contrary to an individual or common goal, then this presents a personal growth opportunity.
Instead of being afraid of thinking outside of the box we should feel good knowing we can embrace ideas, notion, perspectives, and concepts that are consistent with our views as well as those that are completely different.
Of course, each case is different and merits individual scrutiny. When we consider differing views there should be a standard we must compare each side to, and we should agree to accept the position that either reaches the standard, helps to realize a shared goal, or both. I think this is where a couple or group can exercise its greatest power to move towards a goal and I think this is the “muscle” that is least exercised in troubled relationships.
All too often we get stuck in the mud of selfish, argumentative, individual idealism when it is in our best interests to put the individual view aside and embrace a view that will benefit “all”.
I wonder what it takes to make that possible... I wonder how can we move forward with a different approach to interacting with one another. I wonder if my thoughts and opinions are too idealistic for the modern world, and if I should not challenge others to see things differently.
Alas, I am who I am and this is my calling.
One final word...
When we are lost and caught up in our absence of presence we never experience all that is there before us. We are lost within our own minds because we have allowed our thoughts to imprison our sense of external awareness. All we see and hear and know are the thoughts that reverberate within our minds that reinforce a position that might actually go against our best interests.
29 August 2009
The N Word in Black America
A War For Your Soul-Birmingham version from Erisai Films on Vimeo.
So what is the challenge in all this? While it is obvious what needs to be done... who will..? Are we big enough to change? Or are we too afraid and so soft we will find reason to perpetuate the very mindset that continues to ruin us? Where are the leaders...
25 August 2009
No. 73 - Stones
The young African couple walked pensively to the table and took a seat. As I watched them I noticed the man rarely held his head up. No matter how the young woman attempted to converse with him, his responses would be soft, unemotional, un-engaging. She seemed to be fully determined to get him to open up, yet her every attempt failed. But she remained steadfast.
I had come to the coffee shop with a Brother of mine to talk about our common challenges and to figure out next steps. We are both part of our extended male support group so this meeting, as with all of our meetings, was critical to helping to get through the tough times we all share.
The economy worsens all around and all too often we tend to think we are in this struggle alone. That said, it is always refreshing to hear others speak the same words of encouragement and hope we often think are ours alone.
I watched the two out the corner of my eye -- and sometimes without hiding -- and I have to say it was intriguing, at the least.
Try as she might he resisted being drawn into the conversation. I had the sense some part of him had given up. It soon became apparent there were many other things going on with this couple that caused his demeanor to be so closed to discourse, and somewhat disconnected from his mate.
“There is a stone in my heart...” she said... “and it’s weighing me down.”
He mumbled something I couldn’t make out. Whatever it was I could tell it presented a major challenge to her calm demeanor. She stood up.
“I’m going to get something to eat... you want something?” she asked.
He said, “No.”
She got up and went into the cafe. He remained behind, still looking down, still lost in thought, still holding his body in a way that demonstrated his feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, lack of safety.
My colleague and I talked some more. I wondered if he was picking up the same things I was. I wondered if he had listened in on the conversation as I had. And I wondered how much of this young couples conversation had been echoed in discussions we’ve all had in times gone by.
We both agreed all the answers to our challenges rest within us. We both understood there must be some way to develop the solutions to our challenges, even in the midst of the financial drought that is straining so many of us these days.
Our conversation went from securing contracts/work/jobs to the impact of modern reality on so many relationships, to what it means to be a husband and what men think it means to be a wife.
This friendship is very important to me. It is the kind that is anchored by truthful observations and personal insights. It is genuine and compelling, comforting and funny. It is all the things that lends to the ideal of friendship in its strongest form... it will survive.
She returned with the food and lovingly offered some to him. He dropped his cigarette and immediately went to eating.
“I feel like we are dying... like we are being pulled apart, and that you aren’t helping to make things easy.” she said.
“We’re not dying... it’s just a problem.”, he said.
“How can you say this when we don’t even act like we are married... you don’t even want my help.” was her response.
For the first time he looked up at her. I could see the love and caring, I could only imagine the torrent of emotions that raged inside him.
“I have a stone in my heart too.”, he said.
Then I understood what was happening. I understood they were both being weighed down by the challenges and struggles they were forced to endure. I understood his feeling of impending doom. And I could only guess at how deeply this must have affected him. For here he was, a stranger to this land -- no telling where or how he grew up, or in what form of community -- having to deal with things I may never comprehend. Here he was.
My colleague and I didn’t discuss this couple as we left. We focused on the task at hand and then we said our good-byes.
When I awakened this morning that couple was on my mind. I saw him sitting there, drawn tightly into himself, and her sitting there, determined to do her part. I sent out a prayer for them.
It is my belief this is a conversation many more couples, and families are having. The darkness that enshrouds the heart when we close ourselves to life can become all consuming. It can take us away from the happiness and comfort of those who are near and dear to us. It can weight us down, dropping us from the heights of love, caring, and compassion to the depths of despair, lonesomeness, and virtual insanity.
Sadly, it can be very contagious...
Those insidious stones.
I had come to the coffee shop with a Brother of mine to talk about our common challenges and to figure out next steps. We are both part of our extended male support group so this meeting, as with all of our meetings, was critical to helping to get through the tough times we all share.
The economy worsens all around and all too often we tend to think we are in this struggle alone. That said, it is always refreshing to hear others speak the same words of encouragement and hope we often think are ours alone.
I watched the two out the corner of my eye -- and sometimes without hiding -- and I have to say it was intriguing, at the least.
Try as she might he resisted being drawn into the conversation. I had the sense some part of him had given up. It soon became apparent there were many other things going on with this couple that caused his demeanor to be so closed to discourse, and somewhat disconnected from his mate.
“There is a stone in my heart...” she said... “and it’s weighing me down.”
He mumbled something I couldn’t make out. Whatever it was I could tell it presented a major challenge to her calm demeanor. She stood up.
“I’m going to get something to eat... you want something?” she asked.
He said, “No.”
She got up and went into the cafe. He remained behind, still looking down, still lost in thought, still holding his body in a way that demonstrated his feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, lack of safety.
My colleague and I talked some more. I wondered if he was picking up the same things I was. I wondered if he had listened in on the conversation as I had. And I wondered how much of this young couples conversation had been echoed in discussions we’ve all had in times gone by.
We both agreed all the answers to our challenges rest within us. We both understood there must be some way to develop the solutions to our challenges, even in the midst of the financial drought that is straining so many of us these days.
Our conversation went from securing contracts/work/jobs to the impact of modern reality on so many relationships, to what it means to be a husband and what men think it means to be a wife.
This friendship is very important to me. It is the kind that is anchored by truthful observations and personal insights. It is genuine and compelling, comforting and funny. It is all the things that lends to the ideal of friendship in its strongest form... it will survive.
She returned with the food and lovingly offered some to him. He dropped his cigarette and immediately went to eating.
“I feel like we are dying... like we are being pulled apart, and that you aren’t helping to make things easy.” she said.
“We’re not dying... it’s just a problem.”, he said.
“How can you say this when we don’t even act like we are married... you don’t even want my help.” was her response.
For the first time he looked up at her. I could see the love and caring, I could only imagine the torrent of emotions that raged inside him.
“I have a stone in my heart too.”, he said.
Then I understood what was happening. I understood they were both being weighed down by the challenges and struggles they were forced to endure. I understood his feeling of impending doom. And I could only guess at how deeply this must have affected him. For here he was, a stranger to this land -- no telling where or how he grew up, or in what form of community -- having to deal with things I may never comprehend. Here he was.
My colleague and I didn’t discuss this couple as we left. We focused on the task at hand and then we said our good-byes.
When I awakened this morning that couple was on my mind. I saw him sitting there, drawn tightly into himself, and her sitting there, determined to do her part. I sent out a prayer for them.
It is my belief this is a conversation many more couples, and families are having. The darkness that enshrouds the heart when we close ourselves to life can become all consuming. It can take us away from the happiness and comfort of those who are near and dear to us. It can weight us down, dropping us from the heights of love, caring, and compassion to the depths of despair, lonesomeness, and virtual insanity.
Sadly, it can be very contagious...
Those insidious stones.
11 August 2009
A Letter to the President
Please change the name below (along with anything else you may want to change) and then cut and paste it into the White House Contact Us page at: http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/ if this is something you feel represents how people feel. This will give voice to our concerns in a very real way so the more people that responds to this by submitting it to the White House, the better. The process only takes 2 minutes and it would help get your concerns heard.
As ever, you are welcome and encouraged to forward this to everyone in your network.
Dear Sir,
You are my President and my brother. You are the most powerful man this planet knows of, wielding international influence where ever you go. You are the example of a loving Husband and dutiful Father that so many of our young boys have responded to, and so many have stood a bit taller just knowing what is possible.
President Obama, you are the example of true community leadership that our generations have longed to look upon, and you have made us proud.
I know there is no way you can know this but there is a young boy in Oakland, California who has gotten many of his last meals from a dumpster behind one of the many struggling restaurants in the area. His girlfriend has had to resort to prostitution in order to get money for a room to have some semblance of peace and some iota of hope in their lives. There is a grandfather who quietly whiles away his time hoping for someone to visit with him, to bring him food, so that he may eat today. And there is a grandmother who has been forced to go without her medicine because she refused to die of hunger. She rather risk losing a limb instead of her life in the short run. These are the stories that every community across this great country can tell you, but why should any American have to ever make that kinds of choices?
All these people live in all communities… and all of them need you to do what is right by them.
You see, Mr. President, we don’t care about the arguments being made by those who continue to have far more than we do. We don’t care to know who is being labeled what or how effective one message was over the other. We just know we are unnecessarily dying and creating a major fiscal burden to all of America because so many do not have health care, and that’s what we care about. We know we have been disproportionately underserved by a de facto system that rewards those at the top by ruining the lives and livelihood of those at the middle and on the bottom.
When you came to the political stage you became something far more then the image of a powerful Black Man. You became the mirror to look upon ourselves with pride and joy, and know that we too are part of your greatness… even as we are. We are coming to a better understand of what this means and how we are now tasked with realizing the leaders that lay dormant within us for so long. For that we thank you.
Sir, you can not afford to play the political samba with the serious health care issues that are currently ruining our Country. There is no time for compromise. You have to stand strong to do what is right and best and ethical for those who need health care most. You have to understand the gravity of the situation and the tragic impact the current health care system has had on so many lives.
What good is it to have an option offered that cannot be purchased because one has to eat, or live, or work? The sad irony of it all…
I am sending this letter on behalf of all the people who agree with what is written here and who stand with you against the dysfunctional social engine that seeks to derail your/our efforts to have health care for all Americans.
We want to make it loud and clear we will not believe one word of the lies and maneuverings coming from those agents who benefit from what now exists in so many financial ways, and who maliciously use their resources and influence to step on our backs. We will not hear their lies or fall for their deceit.
We are making it clear we WANT and need the option you are proposing as long as it will not be embroiled in the same corporate or other “establishment” gimmicks that water it down and/or render it ineffective. That would be a tremendous blow to all of us and our ancestors would roll in their graves seeing this great failure.
We are saying you must make it happen and we are here to help realize this much needed fundamental infrastructure component of true community building.
Humbly and Respectfully,
Dedoceo Habi
As ever, you are welcome and encouraged to forward this to everyone in your network.
Dear Sir,
You are my President and my brother. You are the most powerful man this planet knows of, wielding international influence where ever you go. You are the example of a loving Husband and dutiful Father that so many of our young boys have responded to, and so many have stood a bit taller just knowing what is possible.
President Obama, you are the example of true community leadership that our generations have longed to look upon, and you have made us proud.
I know there is no way you can know this but there is a young boy in Oakland, California who has gotten many of his last meals from a dumpster behind one of the many struggling restaurants in the area. His girlfriend has had to resort to prostitution in order to get money for a room to have some semblance of peace and some iota of hope in their lives. There is a grandfather who quietly whiles away his time hoping for someone to visit with him, to bring him food, so that he may eat today. And there is a grandmother who has been forced to go without her medicine because she refused to die of hunger. She rather risk losing a limb instead of her life in the short run. These are the stories that every community across this great country can tell you, but why should any American have to ever make that kinds of choices?
All these people live in all communities… and all of them need you to do what is right by them.
You see, Mr. President, we don’t care about the arguments being made by those who continue to have far more than we do. We don’t care to know who is being labeled what or how effective one message was over the other. We just know we are unnecessarily dying and creating a major fiscal burden to all of America because so many do not have health care, and that’s what we care about. We know we have been disproportionately underserved by a de facto system that rewards those at the top by ruining the lives and livelihood of those at the middle and on the bottom.
When you came to the political stage you became something far more then the image of a powerful Black Man. You became the mirror to look upon ourselves with pride and joy, and know that we too are part of your greatness… even as we are. We are coming to a better understand of what this means and how we are now tasked with realizing the leaders that lay dormant within us for so long. For that we thank you.
Sir, you can not afford to play the political samba with the serious health care issues that are currently ruining our Country. There is no time for compromise. You have to stand strong to do what is right and best and ethical for those who need health care most. You have to understand the gravity of the situation and the tragic impact the current health care system has had on so many lives.
What good is it to have an option offered that cannot be purchased because one has to eat, or live, or work? The sad irony of it all…
I am sending this letter on behalf of all the people who agree with what is written here and who stand with you against the dysfunctional social engine that seeks to derail your/our efforts to have health care for all Americans.
We want to make it loud and clear we will not believe one word of the lies and maneuverings coming from those agents who benefit from what now exists in so many financial ways, and who maliciously use their resources and influence to step on our backs. We will not hear their lies or fall for their deceit.
We are making it clear we WANT and need the option you are proposing as long as it will not be embroiled in the same corporate or other “establishment” gimmicks that water it down and/or render it ineffective. That would be a tremendous blow to all of us and our ancestors would roll in their graves seeing this great failure.
We are saying you must make it happen and we are here to help realize this much needed fundamental infrastructure component of true community building.
Humbly and Respectfully,
Dedoceo Habi
09 August 2009
No. 72 - Seeking with Faith
Today I spent some time on the beach watching the shoreline, the waves as they gently cascaded upon the land, the water foul, and the many different people enjoying the outside environs. There were couples, individuals and families, all enjoying the pleasant comfort of good times spent creating lasting memories in the Sun. While all this was most appealing to me there happened to be one pair the caught my eye and caused me to spend the majority of my time watching them.
A man and a dog were enjoying their time together playing a game of catch. The dog, a Black Lab, was most attentive and quite ready to fully enjoy the fun. Each time the man would pick his arm up to throw the ball the dog would take off at full sprint to retrieve it. What was intriguing to me was the fact that in every case the ball had not been thrown, yet the dog was off without pause. Each time the ball was thrown he would happily find it where ever it fell.
There are those who might argue the point that the dog was only responding to his training. While that is an appropriate perspective, I saw something else... something far more meaningful. What I saw led me to consider the Spiritual lesson that could be learned from this activity.
The dog, you see, went forward in faith. He gave his all to realize a goal -- that of getting the ball -- even when he had no idea where it would ultimately be found. That, to me, is the great lesson one can draw from this dispatch.
There are many who go forward in life with the full knowledge -- a great sense of knowing -- that the goals sought after will be had as long as they keep going forward in faith. As long as they give it our all and are consistently believe they will have it, they will. This assumes these people are seeking that which is beneficial not just to themselves, but to others as well.
Nowadays it’s hard to grasp this ideal because many are so anchored to the deeds and actions of the masses it is quite hard to allow themselves to believe anything other then following the herd as the appropriate path to realizing a given goal. I accept this line of thinking as true and relevant to those who embrace it while I also accept the notion that there is always another way to getting to the prize.
Many people espouse a great belief in the teachings of the Bible, the Tora, the Koran or some other great Spiritual work, yet some of the strongest truths written in these great Books go unheeded. They are minimized or twisted to conform to the thinking of those with little understanding of true Faith, and this limited insight soon becomes the ball-and-chains that keep these people from realizing a greater self.
The have Faith dwell within self can be perceived by some as fool-hardy or unrealistic. These are the folk who are mesmerized to the point of frozen fear when exposed to the Faith of others. They do not understand and find it difficult to grasp as a way of being.
There is much to be learned from the idea of going forward in Faith if we would but allow ourselves to be open to the lessons, and willing to internalize them. When we can do that we go through life with a greater sense of personal calm and confidence in our capabilities because we walk with the knowledge that we will succeed.
I believe this with all that I am. I believe our society is so lacking in positive energy and truly great leaders because so few understand the power of Faith. One may call if Religious, one may call is Spiritual, or one may call it nebulous... the choice goes to the individual. Whatever and however one defines it I believe we need more of it in todays world.
All around us individuals, couples, families and ultimately communities are floundering. The support infrastructure that once helped many can now help only a few. All indications are that even the few numbers that receive help will continue to be reduced.
I wonder what will happen to us when this inevitable reality in at our doorsteps. I wonder how will these many individuals cope with a world in transition all around them as everything they were once happily familiar with is no more. And what of the millions of children and youth who now are simply blowing in the wind because no one is there to guide them... how will they find comfort?
Faith and Hope have a cyclical relationship, always trading off o which will lead which. It is apparent to me that without Faith there will be no Hope. Without Hope so many more will be lost. How many is too many? What will become of those who think they have something today only to find out as this society continues to change, they have less... or nothing. Consider all the millions of families that once lived in luxury and are now part of the growing “lower class” society.
An interesting series of thoughts, indeed, and I hope you will share it with those you are close to. In fact, I am humbly asking that you do, and find reason to talk to them about this.
Seeking by Faith is rooted in the absolute belief that you will somehow realize your goal -- the way is made with each step forward, that is the extent of how far one must see (and believe). There is no measured path or outlined road one must follow... that road is already crowded with the clamor and ire of the many on that journey.
Whether the Faith that is needed applies to finally securing that home you’ve been after, or finding a way to get to college, the premise and act of Faith must be more broadly exercised.
As the world around us changes we most change with it. There are a million stories of defeat and loss one can specifically link to the inability to change when change is needed. As well, there are just as many stories of how belief translated into Faith has achieved what many thought were impossible, because Hope remained alive.
I’m reminded on a scripture: ...all things are possible to him that believeth...
What are you reminded of?
A man and a dog were enjoying their time together playing a game of catch. The dog, a Black Lab, was most attentive and quite ready to fully enjoy the fun. Each time the man would pick his arm up to throw the ball the dog would take off at full sprint to retrieve it. What was intriguing to me was the fact that in every case the ball had not been thrown, yet the dog was off without pause. Each time the ball was thrown he would happily find it where ever it fell.
There are those who might argue the point that the dog was only responding to his training. While that is an appropriate perspective, I saw something else... something far more meaningful. What I saw led me to consider the Spiritual lesson that could be learned from this activity.
The dog, you see, went forward in faith. He gave his all to realize a goal -- that of getting the ball -- even when he had no idea where it would ultimately be found. That, to me, is the great lesson one can draw from this dispatch.
There are many who go forward in life with the full knowledge -- a great sense of knowing -- that the goals sought after will be had as long as they keep going forward in faith. As long as they give it our all and are consistently believe they will have it, they will. This assumes these people are seeking that which is beneficial not just to themselves, but to others as well.
Nowadays it’s hard to grasp this ideal because many are so anchored to the deeds and actions of the masses it is quite hard to allow themselves to believe anything other then following the herd as the appropriate path to realizing a given goal. I accept this line of thinking as true and relevant to those who embrace it while I also accept the notion that there is always another way to getting to the prize.
Many people espouse a great belief in the teachings of the Bible, the Tora, the Koran or some other great Spiritual work, yet some of the strongest truths written in these great Books go unheeded. They are minimized or twisted to conform to the thinking of those with little understanding of true Faith, and this limited insight soon becomes the ball-and-chains that keep these people from realizing a greater self.
The have Faith dwell within self can be perceived by some as fool-hardy or unrealistic. These are the folk who are mesmerized to the point of frozen fear when exposed to the Faith of others. They do not understand and find it difficult to grasp as a way of being.
There is much to be learned from the idea of going forward in Faith if we would but allow ourselves to be open to the lessons, and willing to internalize them. When we can do that we go through life with a greater sense of personal calm and confidence in our capabilities because we walk with the knowledge that we will succeed.
I believe this with all that I am. I believe our society is so lacking in positive energy and truly great leaders because so few understand the power of Faith. One may call if Religious, one may call is Spiritual, or one may call it nebulous... the choice goes to the individual. Whatever and however one defines it I believe we need more of it in todays world.
All around us individuals, couples, families and ultimately communities are floundering. The support infrastructure that once helped many can now help only a few. All indications are that even the few numbers that receive help will continue to be reduced.
I wonder what will happen to us when this inevitable reality in at our doorsteps. I wonder how will these many individuals cope with a world in transition all around them as everything they were once happily familiar with is no more. And what of the millions of children and youth who now are simply blowing in the wind because no one is there to guide them... how will they find comfort?
Faith and Hope have a cyclical relationship, always trading off o which will lead which. It is apparent to me that without Faith there will be no Hope. Without Hope so many more will be lost. How many is too many? What will become of those who think they have something today only to find out as this society continues to change, they have less... or nothing. Consider all the millions of families that once lived in luxury and are now part of the growing “lower class” society.
An interesting series of thoughts, indeed, and I hope you will share it with those you are close to. In fact, I am humbly asking that you do, and find reason to talk to them about this.
Seeking by Faith is rooted in the absolute belief that you will somehow realize your goal -- the way is made with each step forward, that is the extent of how far one must see (and believe). There is no measured path or outlined road one must follow... that road is already crowded with the clamor and ire of the many on that journey.
Whether the Faith that is needed applies to finally securing that home you’ve been after, or finding a way to get to college, the premise and act of Faith must be more broadly exercised.
As the world around us changes we most change with it. There are a million stories of defeat and loss one can specifically link to the inability to change when change is needed. As well, there are just as many stories of how belief translated into Faith has achieved what many thought were impossible, because Hope remained alive.
I’m reminded on a scripture: ...all things are possible to him that believeth...
What are you reminded of?
26 July 2009
No. 71 - Him, exposed
My last dispatch got a lot of attention and so I feel compelled to delve a little deeper into the idea of how a man thinks about the woman in his life. Now, let me preface this by saying I do not know and have not spoken with every man out there so what I share comes from conversations I’ve had with the men in my circle. Let me also say this: I believe each of these men have spoken the truth around how they view this issue because we have shared in honest dialog for many years and, through that process, have gained great respect for the common threads in our views.
At it’s deepest, most intimate level, the love, faith and trust from a good woman a man loves affects him at a biological level. It’s true.
I think about how I feel towards my Queen and I know it’s far more than just a passing feeling, or a temporary desire to be in her company. I have learned and accepted the fact that not only do my thoughts project towards our common goals, but my feeling are becoming intimately intermingled with hers. In essence, as we merge into one entity with a common goal we are brought more closely into the realm of a profound Spiritual connectedness, and this connectedness becomes an integral companion during our journey towards our goals.
What so many of my friends (and colleagues) have said they needed from their significant other boils down to her belief in him and her faith in his word. For sure there are other characteristics that are important to men but, in my opinion, these two are the greatest.
There seems to be something powerful about the belief a women has in her man. Something almost spiritual in how it drives a man forward when sometimes there appears to be no where else to go. When a women acts out in faith for her man, knowing full well the goal will be met, it adds a calming peace to the relationship - It defines their capacity for greatness.
Some, who think of the man and woman as two independent forces where each co-habitat their own space may think little of this or ask: Why is this important?
For me, it gets down to quality of life.
When we are in committed relationships we have to believe in the other person, and we have to have faith in them. Regardless of how long the journey, how many upsets, how many challenges, this has to be our mode of operation. Even when we are inclined to yield to the temptation to disbelieve and remove our faith we have to find a way to overcome that temptation.
Many men think of themselves (yes, even me) as warriors. We are in the throes of a great battle to achieve some goal. We are caught up in the ebb and flow of the myriad challenges of life, ever weary of what “might happen” or “what did happen”, and ever diligent in our efforts to find a way to enjoy a better life with those we love and care for. We seek to find the way out of the storm when many others have given up or have decided to accept the “nothingness” of the moment as their true fate in life.
In order for us to keep moving forward we take each step with the faith and belief that it is one step closer to realizing our goal. We embrace faith in self, in God, in our significant other, knowing full well it is their wish that we succeed. For us, without faith and belief in self, we have no reason to keep moving forward -- having no will to do any more than take our next breath as we vacantly watch life pass us by.
How does this all relate?
As I said earlier, when experiencing this kind of love, a Man develops a Spiritual connection to and with his Woman. For some strange reason his sense of destiny becomes intimately and dynamically linked to hers. While his faith and belief in self continues to exist, somehow the Universe has found a way to integrate her faith and belief into his. Where there was once two, now there is one.
So when there is little or no parity; when one person has no faith or belief in the other, a stated goal will never be reached where there will be two happy people, assured in their love, and solid in the knowledge “they did it together.” There will be no happy memories that prove their connectedness and confidence yo look back at and share in the glory of it all.
All too often we have heard of Men and Women who were with someone for some amount of time and then finally achieve some great goal, then the first thing they do is leave the one they were with. People all around them wonder why this has happened and some even point the finger at the notion that one person was using the other.
I tend to think that people are generally good. I tend to believe we genuinely do want what’s good for ourselves and those we care about. I believe it is more a matter of not having the nurturing and care one needs when staring down the challenges of the journey - when this happens we become hardened individuals, not caring partners.
For many men, the conversation is centered on her lack of faith and/or trust and/or belief in him. He talks about his need for her to understand him and to value him... his need for her to participate in his journey toward success as a partner with equal (and sometimes more) belief in success than he. He needs to know she has the understanding that their journey can lead to a greater appreciation for one another, or possible doom when there is no or little belief in one another.
Women have a Power. This Power men do not understand... we simply accept it and do our best to not get caught up in figuring it out. Call it Spiritual will or the ability to drive a man to great heights, or simply the power to collaboratively help their men to realizing a stated goal that will benefit all.
Whichever one prefers, it makes sense to understand this truth as being relevant in creating a happy and sustainable relationship. It makes sense that men should acknowledge this real and important fact about their lives, and it makes sense that women should wield their Power in ways that support a lasting relationship.
The words Men need to hear from their women are: “I believe in you”, “It will be alright”, “I know you can and will handle things”, and “We are in this together.” These words, along with the supportive actions that prove them, will overcome any problem, insure great memories and wonderful excitement, and will lead to a life of multiple successes.
I should acknowledge I am attempting to represent what a Man considers as a great relationship - from a more intimate and honest perspective. It is done from a positive point of view with the hopes it will stimulate dialog.
Him, exposed.
At it’s deepest, most intimate level, the love, faith and trust from a good woman a man loves affects him at a biological level. It’s true.
I think about how I feel towards my Queen and I know it’s far more than just a passing feeling, or a temporary desire to be in her company. I have learned and accepted the fact that not only do my thoughts project towards our common goals, but my feeling are becoming intimately intermingled with hers. In essence, as we merge into one entity with a common goal we are brought more closely into the realm of a profound Spiritual connectedness, and this connectedness becomes an integral companion during our journey towards our goals.
What so many of my friends (and colleagues) have said they needed from their significant other boils down to her belief in him and her faith in his word. For sure there are other characteristics that are important to men but, in my opinion, these two are the greatest.
There seems to be something powerful about the belief a women has in her man. Something almost spiritual in how it drives a man forward when sometimes there appears to be no where else to go. When a women acts out in faith for her man, knowing full well the goal will be met, it adds a calming peace to the relationship - It defines their capacity for greatness.
Some, who think of the man and woman as two independent forces where each co-habitat their own space may think little of this or ask: Why is this important?
For me, it gets down to quality of life.
When we are in committed relationships we have to believe in the other person, and we have to have faith in them. Regardless of how long the journey, how many upsets, how many challenges, this has to be our mode of operation. Even when we are inclined to yield to the temptation to disbelieve and remove our faith we have to find a way to overcome that temptation.
Many men think of themselves (yes, even me) as warriors. We are in the throes of a great battle to achieve some goal. We are caught up in the ebb and flow of the myriad challenges of life, ever weary of what “might happen” or “what did happen”, and ever diligent in our efforts to find a way to enjoy a better life with those we love and care for. We seek to find the way out of the storm when many others have given up or have decided to accept the “nothingness” of the moment as their true fate in life.
In order for us to keep moving forward we take each step with the faith and belief that it is one step closer to realizing our goal. We embrace faith in self, in God, in our significant other, knowing full well it is their wish that we succeed. For us, without faith and belief in self, we have no reason to keep moving forward -- having no will to do any more than take our next breath as we vacantly watch life pass us by.
How does this all relate?
As I said earlier, when experiencing this kind of love, a Man develops a Spiritual connection to and with his Woman. For some strange reason his sense of destiny becomes intimately and dynamically linked to hers. While his faith and belief in self continues to exist, somehow the Universe has found a way to integrate her faith and belief into his. Where there was once two, now there is one.
So when there is little or no parity; when one person has no faith or belief in the other, a stated goal will never be reached where there will be two happy people, assured in their love, and solid in the knowledge “they did it together.” There will be no happy memories that prove their connectedness and confidence yo look back at and share in the glory of it all.
All too often we have heard of Men and Women who were with someone for some amount of time and then finally achieve some great goal, then the first thing they do is leave the one they were with. People all around them wonder why this has happened and some even point the finger at the notion that one person was using the other.
I tend to think that people are generally good. I tend to believe we genuinely do want what’s good for ourselves and those we care about. I believe it is more a matter of not having the nurturing and care one needs when staring down the challenges of the journey - when this happens we become hardened individuals, not caring partners.
For many men, the conversation is centered on her lack of faith and/or trust and/or belief in him. He talks about his need for her to understand him and to value him... his need for her to participate in his journey toward success as a partner with equal (and sometimes more) belief in success than he. He needs to know she has the understanding that their journey can lead to a greater appreciation for one another, or possible doom when there is no or little belief in one another.
Women have a Power. This Power men do not understand... we simply accept it and do our best to not get caught up in figuring it out. Call it Spiritual will or the ability to drive a man to great heights, or simply the power to collaboratively help their men to realizing a stated goal that will benefit all.
Whichever one prefers, it makes sense to understand this truth as being relevant in creating a happy and sustainable relationship. It makes sense that men should acknowledge this real and important fact about their lives, and it makes sense that women should wield their Power in ways that support a lasting relationship.
The words Men need to hear from their women are: “I believe in you”, “It will be alright”, “I know you can and will handle things”, and “We are in this together.” These words, along with the supportive actions that prove them, will overcome any problem, insure great memories and wonderful excitement, and will lead to a life of multiple successes.
I should acknowledge I am attempting to represent what a Man considers as a great relationship - from a more intimate and honest perspective. It is done from a positive point of view with the hopes it will stimulate dialog.
Him, exposed.
22 July 2009
No. 70 - Her, defined
After months of silence I finally heard from a dear cousin of mine... I’ll call him Marvin. Last I heard his Mother had died and the process of preparing for her burial had devastated him.
One of the first things he told me was he had lost his job only three days after the funeral... he hasn’t worked since, and is now forced to live with relatives.
Although he had experienced such sadness in these last months his demeanor was calm and assured. He confided in me he had been off all stimulants (drugs and alcohol) and was finally beginning to feel real emotions. We even laughed when I joked about how surprised he must have felt when he first understood the feeling that was so unusually delightful to him was that of feeling happy. Feeling happiness for the first time in many years without the numbing affects of drugs and alcohol... it was the first time I could remember seeing him genuinely happy in many years. I felt blessed to experience it.
As we walked and talked we happened to talk about women. Since his situation was so fragile and he had little to offer in the way of material things or income he was getting a lot of resistance and hesitance from his estranged wife. She had made it clear she was quite uncomfortable supporting him and leery of making any commitment that would bring them any closer. We talked on this more and I gained greater insight into how he viewed the world, how life circumstance and decisions had adversely impacted his life. I came to appreciate a view of women that -- I’m hearing more and more these days -- seems to be a challenge to the status quo.
It was a little uncomfortable digesting all he said because as we spoke, standing outside of the place of worship where he now attends routinely for weekly prayer, this woman came up to us, Bible in hand, ready to share in the praising of the Lord with him.
I thought about that deeply as I headed back home, wondering at the oddity of that situation. Now, there are many who believe a man is the provider of the home and, no matter what, it is his job to do, and he is remiss if he doesn’t meet that need. I’ve overheard many women talking of how they would drop their man in a hot second if he didn’t have any money. As a man I believe it is a mans nature to want to provide for his family and it gives him great pleasure knowing that he does.
But something wrong has happened in our society... something that is the culprit for many breakups and much hardship in relationships all across the land. This thing has ruined not only the lives of husbands and wives, but also innocent children. What am I referring to, you may ask... very good question.
I shall answer it like so:
...
Her, defined
She knows her Man, and longs to be
The holder of his care,
She seeks to give him all he needs, when no one
Else is there,
She lifts him up, not heeding those
Who laugh behind her back,
She understands with clarity, and gladly gives
That which he lacks,
She smartly knows that while they struggle
This time lasts but a spell,
She sees the future in the hope she breathes
With every truth she tells.
And sometimes in his darkest hour, when he needs
To feel her love,
Her gentle words of belief in him let’s him
Know there is a God above.
Her, defined.
...
You see, what my dear cousin was saying to me was that he hadn’t given up on life. No matter what he had faced or what he would ever face he would not stop trying. He wanted to do more, be more, have more, give more, love more -- even when he may not always know how to or have the answer to how to achieve his goal. He refused to allow himself to believe he was nothing even though everyone and everywhere around him there were messages and indicators that many men have allowed to break them.
He was telling the universe that he is a Man and that he does deserve better and that he will not give up on self or life until he realized his dreams.
And he was saying he needed a Good woman to share not just the fruits of his hard-fought labor, but also the journey to making it so.
Who can say, in the modern day, what challenges we will all face as so much around us falls into ruin? Who can predict what more bad news or suffering will have to be absorbed and shared by us all? And who can expect to accomplish anything worthwhile, meaningful, and necessary without the help and support of others... namely the very one who professes to love them?
I have said and continue to say things will worsen before they get better. There are many people who are doing everything possible to realize a better life, who will not yield to the temptation to give up. Even in the face of all these challenges it is my fervent belief the only success to be had will be had when two people find the strength of character and commitment to one another to put aside antiquated thinking about how things ought to be and understand they live in the here and now. When this happens we can rest assured that families will be strengthened after having victory over the trials of the modern day. When this happens we will have tangible proof of the true strength of the pillars of our community - husbands and wives.
And we will be able to look back at the excitement of the journey, reflecting upon every step, every lesson learned, and every courageous victory, knowing full well that we did it...
Together.
One of the first things he told me was he had lost his job only three days after the funeral... he hasn’t worked since, and is now forced to live with relatives.
Although he had experienced such sadness in these last months his demeanor was calm and assured. He confided in me he had been off all stimulants (drugs and alcohol) and was finally beginning to feel real emotions. We even laughed when I joked about how surprised he must have felt when he first understood the feeling that was so unusually delightful to him was that of feeling happy. Feeling happiness for the first time in many years without the numbing affects of drugs and alcohol... it was the first time I could remember seeing him genuinely happy in many years. I felt blessed to experience it.
As we walked and talked we happened to talk about women. Since his situation was so fragile and he had little to offer in the way of material things or income he was getting a lot of resistance and hesitance from his estranged wife. She had made it clear she was quite uncomfortable supporting him and leery of making any commitment that would bring them any closer. We talked on this more and I gained greater insight into how he viewed the world, how life circumstance and decisions had adversely impacted his life. I came to appreciate a view of women that -- I’m hearing more and more these days -- seems to be a challenge to the status quo.
It was a little uncomfortable digesting all he said because as we spoke, standing outside of the place of worship where he now attends routinely for weekly prayer, this woman came up to us, Bible in hand, ready to share in the praising of the Lord with him.
I thought about that deeply as I headed back home, wondering at the oddity of that situation. Now, there are many who believe a man is the provider of the home and, no matter what, it is his job to do, and he is remiss if he doesn’t meet that need. I’ve overheard many women talking of how they would drop their man in a hot second if he didn’t have any money. As a man I believe it is a mans nature to want to provide for his family and it gives him great pleasure knowing that he does.
But something wrong has happened in our society... something that is the culprit for many breakups and much hardship in relationships all across the land. This thing has ruined not only the lives of husbands and wives, but also innocent children. What am I referring to, you may ask... very good question.
I shall answer it like so:
...
Her, defined
She knows her Man, and longs to be
The holder of his care,
She seeks to give him all he needs, when no one
Else is there,
She lifts him up, not heeding those
Who laugh behind her back,
She understands with clarity, and gladly gives
That which he lacks,
She smartly knows that while they struggle
This time lasts but a spell,
She sees the future in the hope she breathes
With every truth she tells.
And sometimes in his darkest hour, when he needs
To feel her love,
Her gentle words of belief in him let’s him
Know there is a God above.
Her, defined.
...
You see, what my dear cousin was saying to me was that he hadn’t given up on life. No matter what he had faced or what he would ever face he would not stop trying. He wanted to do more, be more, have more, give more, love more -- even when he may not always know how to or have the answer to how to achieve his goal. He refused to allow himself to believe he was nothing even though everyone and everywhere around him there were messages and indicators that many men have allowed to break them.
He was telling the universe that he is a Man and that he does deserve better and that he will not give up on self or life until he realized his dreams.
And he was saying he needed a Good woman to share not just the fruits of his hard-fought labor, but also the journey to making it so.
Who can say, in the modern day, what challenges we will all face as so much around us falls into ruin? Who can predict what more bad news or suffering will have to be absorbed and shared by us all? And who can expect to accomplish anything worthwhile, meaningful, and necessary without the help and support of others... namely the very one who professes to love them?
I have said and continue to say things will worsen before they get better. There are many people who are doing everything possible to realize a better life, who will not yield to the temptation to give up. Even in the face of all these challenges it is my fervent belief the only success to be had will be had when two people find the strength of character and commitment to one another to put aside antiquated thinking about how things ought to be and understand they live in the here and now. When this happens we can rest assured that families will be strengthened after having victory over the trials of the modern day. When this happens we will have tangible proof of the true strength of the pillars of our community - husbands and wives.
And we will be able to look back at the excitement of the journey, reflecting upon every step, every lesson learned, and every courageous victory, knowing full well that we did it...
Together.
18 July 2009
No. 69 - Give and Take Within
What is it about the human condition that causes a person to hold steadfast to a viewpoint, belief or position even when it prevents him from that which he desires to possess? How closely aligned to the problems we perceive in our relationships are our words and actions? And, why do we hold so tenaciously to those parts of our psyche that seem to keep our happiness at bay?
These are some of the questions that rested on my mind this morning as I awakened. I lay there I wondered about the series of connected “dots” that compose our identity, and that set into motion the experiences we have in life.
As I consider these thoughts I begin to see a connection from one stage of the matter to the next. It occurs to me our identities have somehow become closely associated with our habits. These habits are nothing more than a series of repeated actions that we have become comfortable with. These actions are based upon the perspectives and realities we experience as we flow through the world as we evolve toward our individual (and collective) greatness. At various points in our evolution (in fact, the points of evolution) we decide what viewpoint we will embrace (and the accompanying attitude) or what viewpoint we will drop. Once these decisions are made our natural processes come into play and we soon find these new viewpoints tightly integrated into our view of the world.
In either case, we tend to adopt mannerisms, attitudes, and perspectives that are in line with how we regard the world, and the people in the world that we come across. It is these mannerisms that, when repeatedly exercised, become the recognizable traits of our character. Lo and behold, when we think of a person we have become acquainted with we hold a mental image of this person that is based on the actions of this person and the experiences we have had with this person, whether good or bad.
I tend to think about this with what I would consider an honest yet critical eye. I tend to use my thoughts to better understand the world around me, and apply these understandings to situations I find myself exposed to. I have found this approach to be helpful in my work with community and in helping to remove my own mental barriers.
Still, how is it that we have come to hold that part of us that opposes our true desire with such fervent passion?
I recently returned from a convention in Tampa and at one of the keynote events an older gentleman gave a presentation that really resonated regarding this subject. He sited an experiment done many years ago by Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman in which the term “Learned Helplessness” was coined.
The idea developed was based on a person who is exposed conditions that fostered adverse, fearful, or uncomfortable emotions. When this happens that person develops behaviors that remain present and impactful even when removed from the situation -- even applying them to similar situations later on in life. This is to say, we learn to behave in ways that perpetuate our thoughts of fear and helplessness even when removed from the circumstances that caused us adopt these viewpoints. Even when we have no clear reason to do so.
As I think about it, it makes a lot of sense. It explains why it is so hard for people to overcome past hurts or feelings of fear, rather choosing to continue protective and/or controlling behaviors. It explains why so many in our community have allowed their feelings of helplessness to dictate their views of and experiences in life, and it accounts for the many problems that grab us unexpectedly as we go about the business of maintaining lifelong relationships.
I see this every time I speak to a young man who proclaims he wants a job yet explains there are no jobs to be had. He, therefore, does not try to find work. He has learned to feel helpless -- it is his normal way now -- and so now he acts hopeless. In the end, the very thing he says he wants he has “learned” he cannot have and because of his thinking, he acts in ways that makes his belief his reality.
While some may call this a self fulfilling prophesy, I like to think this is nothing more than learned behavior. I take this position because I believe we can each control what we learn far more effectively then what we prophesy.
So we are now looking more carefully and honestly at how we have come to act in certain ways and under certain conditions. We are considering how it is that our emotional “training” has come to control our logical implementation of will. And we are seeing how our happiness or sadness, our success or failure -- all these things the constitute the human animal -- is based simply on our learned behavior. It is something we all have and something that is intimately held within us all.
I think this is a great thing. I think so because I believe we are all smart enough to see the value in taking a decidedly proactive approach to re-learning how we give and take within.
These are some of the questions that rested on my mind this morning as I awakened. I lay there I wondered about the series of connected “dots” that compose our identity, and that set into motion the experiences we have in life.
As I consider these thoughts I begin to see a connection from one stage of the matter to the next. It occurs to me our identities have somehow become closely associated with our habits. These habits are nothing more than a series of repeated actions that we have become comfortable with. These actions are based upon the perspectives and realities we experience as we flow through the world as we evolve toward our individual (and collective) greatness. At various points in our evolution (in fact, the points of evolution) we decide what viewpoint we will embrace (and the accompanying attitude) or what viewpoint we will drop. Once these decisions are made our natural processes come into play and we soon find these new viewpoints tightly integrated into our view of the world.
In either case, we tend to adopt mannerisms, attitudes, and perspectives that are in line with how we regard the world, and the people in the world that we come across. It is these mannerisms that, when repeatedly exercised, become the recognizable traits of our character. Lo and behold, when we think of a person we have become acquainted with we hold a mental image of this person that is based on the actions of this person and the experiences we have had with this person, whether good or bad.
I tend to think about this with what I would consider an honest yet critical eye. I tend to use my thoughts to better understand the world around me, and apply these understandings to situations I find myself exposed to. I have found this approach to be helpful in my work with community and in helping to remove my own mental barriers.
Still, how is it that we have come to hold that part of us that opposes our true desire with such fervent passion?
I recently returned from a convention in Tampa and at one of the keynote events an older gentleman gave a presentation that really resonated regarding this subject. He sited an experiment done many years ago by Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman in which the term “Learned Helplessness” was coined.
The idea developed was based on a person who is exposed conditions that fostered adverse, fearful, or uncomfortable emotions. When this happens that person develops behaviors that remain present and impactful even when removed from the situation -- even applying them to similar situations later on in life. This is to say, we learn to behave in ways that perpetuate our thoughts of fear and helplessness even when removed from the circumstances that caused us adopt these viewpoints. Even when we have no clear reason to do so.
As I think about it, it makes a lot of sense. It explains why it is so hard for people to overcome past hurts or feelings of fear, rather choosing to continue protective and/or controlling behaviors. It explains why so many in our community have allowed their feelings of helplessness to dictate their views of and experiences in life, and it accounts for the many problems that grab us unexpectedly as we go about the business of maintaining lifelong relationships.
I see this every time I speak to a young man who proclaims he wants a job yet explains there are no jobs to be had. He, therefore, does not try to find work. He has learned to feel helpless -- it is his normal way now -- and so now he acts hopeless. In the end, the very thing he says he wants he has “learned” he cannot have and because of his thinking, he acts in ways that makes his belief his reality.
While some may call this a self fulfilling prophesy, I like to think this is nothing more than learned behavior. I take this position because I believe we can each control what we learn far more effectively then what we prophesy.
So we are now looking more carefully and honestly at how we have come to act in certain ways and under certain conditions. We are considering how it is that our emotional “training” has come to control our logical implementation of will. And we are seeing how our happiness or sadness, our success or failure -- all these things the constitute the human animal -- is based simply on our learned behavior. It is something we all have and something that is intimately held within us all.
I think this is a great thing. I think so because I believe we are all smart enough to see the value in taking a decidedly proactive approach to re-learning how we give and take within.
16 July 2009
No. 68 - $4.00 worth of gas
Funny how it seems, at times, that we so easily forget who we are, where we are, and what we claim we are about. And it’s peculiar how we are tested when we least expect it. For sure, there must be a book somewhere that records our every word and then quickly goes about setting things into play to let us prove our character.
Such was my experience today.
I had just completed work at a local place of worship. As I walked toward my car I heard a commotion. I looked over and across the street, through the fence, and watched as an older man, late 50’s I would say, hurriedly went from one person to the next. As I took in the scene it looked as if he was being shadowed by a woman.
I watched and vaguely heard his rushed words as one person after the next turned him down. He did not become upset... he would simply move on to the next person. Funny though, it seemed the street was abuzz with activity. Cars went by, mothers and children walked by, pairs of friends strolled along... yet no one seemed to be willing or able to help this gentleman.
I watched a moment longer... then I turned away to get into my car. After all, he had it covered. And then I heard him calling toward me.
I turned to look and there he was, boldly approaching me... saying something... words which became clearer to me as he finally stopped, standing less than five feet away.
“That’s my wife over there... she’s four months pregnant. I pray to God that you can help us. I had to come to my meeting today... just made it, then I ran out of gas. Can you help?” he said.
I looked at the woman again and sure enough I could see the tell-tale sign of a young life growing in the small rounded pouch that protruded before her.
It was hot... almost 90 degrees and there was no wind. I sweat just standing there. I looked at him a bit closer and could see his sweat as well.
“We just need a little gas to get to the house. I come here every week. If you leave your information I’ll pay you back. My back is out... I can’t walk in this heat,” he said.
I had put $4.00 in my pocket this morning. Not sure why... just did. I suppose, in retrospect, I had put it in my pocket for this moment.
“I will help,” I told him, and then he was heading towards his parked truck. I heard him say thank you more than once. I told him I’d pull over so we could go and get the gas.
When I pulled up to his truck his wife came over with a gas can. I was a little surprised but said nothing. He looked at me and said: “This truck has all we got in it... I’ll stay here and rest my back while you two go get the gas.”
I looked at the truck... it was filled with wood... pieces of board from some broken old building or some dilapidated old floor... to the point of overflowing. She wasted no time coming over and getting in.
I introduced myself, she introduced herself. I have to say it was awkward and I wasn’t sure about this at all. Did I miss something? Was I about to be hustled? Why would a man allow his wife to go with a stranger? What “rules of engagement” had been broken?
Then I remembered how my mother had helped others as we grew up. I remembered the good Samaritan story of old, and all the stories of good people helping those in need. I released my fear and doubt long enough to put myself in their shoes to try and understand... and long enough to consider these two strangers could be two angels.
Some may think my view is “pie-in-the-sky”. It may have been foolish of me to be trusting. Somehow I felt I was being tested. Here I was coming out of a church, there to help others, and just as I exit I’m faced with the choice of whether of not to help someone in real immediate need.
We got to the gas station and I gave her the $4.00. She graciously thanked me, went inside and paid for the gas. She came out and got $4.00 worth of gas, returning to the car with a sense of relief and joy.
“We really thank you,” she said. I said it was no problem and we headed back to her waiting husband.
When we arrived he was sitting with the door half open... I thought he was in a daze or about to pass out. He looked as though he was not feeling well. When asked, he said his back was killing him, having pulled it while getting the wood.
She got out of the car and thanked me again. They both did. I told them it was no problem... because it wasn’t. I then drove off.
As I drove towards my next stop I wondered about this unusual couple. I wondered how they had come to be together... how could they be together. It seemed so unlikely - him so old and her looking half his age... and pregnant to boot. I then recalled watching how she tenderly shared holding the gas can with her husband after I had dropped her off, their empty tank waiting for the needed gas.
I try to place some value on the $4.00 worth of gas as I allow the memory of the experience to settle in my mind. It occurs to me the value of that little bit of money was as such - at least to this couple:
Got them home after a long day of trials and tribulation in the hot Oakland Sun
Gave them an opportunity to keep trying to make a living for themselves
Created an opportunity for them to work together, to find a way to demonstrate their care and commitment even during this challenge
...And most importantly,
Showed them that prayers are answered.
Such was my experience today.
I had just completed work at a local place of worship. As I walked toward my car I heard a commotion. I looked over and across the street, through the fence, and watched as an older man, late 50’s I would say, hurriedly went from one person to the next. As I took in the scene it looked as if he was being shadowed by a woman.
I watched and vaguely heard his rushed words as one person after the next turned him down. He did not become upset... he would simply move on to the next person. Funny though, it seemed the street was abuzz with activity. Cars went by, mothers and children walked by, pairs of friends strolled along... yet no one seemed to be willing or able to help this gentleman.
I watched a moment longer... then I turned away to get into my car. After all, he had it covered. And then I heard him calling toward me.
I turned to look and there he was, boldly approaching me... saying something... words which became clearer to me as he finally stopped, standing less than five feet away.
“That’s my wife over there... she’s four months pregnant. I pray to God that you can help us. I had to come to my meeting today... just made it, then I ran out of gas. Can you help?” he said.
I looked at the woman again and sure enough I could see the tell-tale sign of a young life growing in the small rounded pouch that protruded before her.
It was hot... almost 90 degrees and there was no wind. I sweat just standing there. I looked at him a bit closer and could see his sweat as well.
“We just need a little gas to get to the house. I come here every week. If you leave your information I’ll pay you back. My back is out... I can’t walk in this heat,” he said.
I had put $4.00 in my pocket this morning. Not sure why... just did. I suppose, in retrospect, I had put it in my pocket for this moment.
“I will help,” I told him, and then he was heading towards his parked truck. I heard him say thank you more than once. I told him I’d pull over so we could go and get the gas.
When I pulled up to his truck his wife came over with a gas can. I was a little surprised but said nothing. He looked at me and said: “This truck has all we got in it... I’ll stay here and rest my back while you two go get the gas.”
I looked at the truck... it was filled with wood... pieces of board from some broken old building or some dilapidated old floor... to the point of overflowing. She wasted no time coming over and getting in.
I introduced myself, she introduced herself. I have to say it was awkward and I wasn’t sure about this at all. Did I miss something? Was I about to be hustled? Why would a man allow his wife to go with a stranger? What “rules of engagement” had been broken?
Then I remembered how my mother had helped others as we grew up. I remembered the good Samaritan story of old, and all the stories of good people helping those in need. I released my fear and doubt long enough to put myself in their shoes to try and understand... and long enough to consider these two strangers could be two angels.
Some may think my view is “pie-in-the-sky”. It may have been foolish of me to be trusting. Somehow I felt I was being tested. Here I was coming out of a church, there to help others, and just as I exit I’m faced with the choice of whether of not to help someone in real immediate need.
We got to the gas station and I gave her the $4.00. She graciously thanked me, went inside and paid for the gas. She came out and got $4.00 worth of gas, returning to the car with a sense of relief and joy.
“We really thank you,” she said. I said it was no problem and we headed back to her waiting husband.
When we arrived he was sitting with the door half open... I thought he was in a daze or about to pass out. He looked as though he was not feeling well. When asked, he said his back was killing him, having pulled it while getting the wood.
She got out of the car and thanked me again. They both did. I told them it was no problem... because it wasn’t. I then drove off.
As I drove towards my next stop I wondered about this unusual couple. I wondered how they had come to be together... how could they be together. It seemed so unlikely - him so old and her looking half his age... and pregnant to boot. I then recalled watching how she tenderly shared holding the gas can with her husband after I had dropped her off, their empty tank waiting for the needed gas.
I try to place some value on the $4.00 worth of gas as I allow the memory of the experience to settle in my mind. It occurs to me the value of that little bit of money was as such - at least to this couple:
Got them home after a long day of trials and tribulation in the hot Oakland Sun
Gave them an opportunity to keep trying to make a living for themselves
Created an opportunity for them to work together, to find a way to demonstrate their care and commitment even during this challenge
...And most importantly,
Showed them that prayers are answered.
21 April 2009
No. 67 - Anger and the Prostitute
So I’ve been thinking about anger, and the affects it has on our valued relationships, and wondered just what is it about anger that gives it so much power over relationships? Naturally, I had to first look within to gain a better understanding of whatever anger there might be that resides – or that once resided – there. I’ve taken the opinion that we must first consider ourselves, and then information we gain from others, and then share it with those we love and care about before internalizing that information as truth or fiction.
Here’s the situation and process I’ve witnessed in many occasions, and that, I noticed is presently considered commonplace for so many in our community (sadly):
The two are in a relationship, both proclaiming their love for one another. They have grown to feel they have finally found someone they can be themselves with; someone that values their individuality for what it is; someone that shares common views and interests on many fronts. Off they go, along the thrilling avenues of life, hand-in-had with confidence in their ability to live the lives they had both dreamed of, they bask in the glow of love.
There is no question the two are fully engaged in the relationship and benefiting from accepting one another in their fullness. Both are growing in ways and places they could never have imagined. Together the two possess the ability to overcome each and every obstacle they may face… and do so without skipping a beat. The Love they share is so complete there is nary a single thought given to the notion that this bliss could some day change.
But one day it does.
One day, something happens that begins the dulling process of this once radiant love. This event, while small at first, is the very thing that puts the couple on high alert, and soon becomes the threat to the very thing they both want and value so highly. I like to say it is the first stage in the Prostitution of their Happiness. I say so because it is during these events that the happiness the couple so highly values is relegated to the corruption brought on by the unworthy – and undignified – purposes of anger.
The Scenario:
The two are in conversation, as they have done so a thousand times prior to this moment in time. One of them says something that seems normal and appropriate based upon his/her perspective, and with a desire to further enjoy the discourse. The other person for some reason that might seem unclear, and that certainly comes from a place and awareness not relevant to the present situation, takes offense to what is said. He/she is struck by what he/she just heard and reacts in a way that demonstrates this. To the surprise and bewilderment of the other person, this behavior is off-putting, to say the least. Words are said that could compromise the stability of the once stable platform on which the relationship stands. Emotions spill forth that cast a dark light on one or both of them, neither wanting to take ownership of their role played in the scenario.
Two very critical things happen now: first, the one to which the anger was aimed decides he/she will no longer “talk about that”, second, the one who became angry initially decides he/she was justified in their position, even though the adverse emotional outburst has become the initiating catalyst that may someday defeat the very thing they both want – lasting happiness together.
This is the moment in time when the Prostitute is at the apex of destructive power. This is where the Prostitute engages in the spread of disease, discord, and dishonor into the relationship. This is where the seeds of defamation, contempt, and diminished support enter into the lives of these two. If the two aren’t careful and willing to raise their level of awareness and respect for the relationship, the path to happiness will be slowly, subtly derailed. They will some day find themselves quite unhappy.
So the couple somehow gets beyond the event and is finally getting back on track. Things are now flowing and the smiles and joy find their way back into the daily routines. They talk about dreams, plans, ideas, and events of the day.
But never any more talks about that thing that was their flash point.
And then one day it happens again. Once again they are in the pit of despair, having to grapple with that inner demon called Anger that seeks to Prostitute their happiness. Once again they struggle to believe in one another and find reason to hold steadfast to what they want for their lives.
And once again two very critical things happen. Yes, it happens once again. So now there are two things they will no longer talk about. Now there are two episodes where they went from two people enjoying the love they each share, to two warriors so determined to get their way they would gladly destroy the very prize they had so proudly proclaimed they were ready to enjoy.
And soon we see the pattern evolve. Soon we see with each episode the same thing happening. The two get caught up in their own positions and neither is willing to step up to remind the other of what they are about.
Sadly, after months, years, and sometime decades of this… After deciding there is so few “safe” things to talk about and there are so many episodic explosions, the two one day realize they do not even like the person sleeping soundly beside them.
That Prostitute… she is very good at what she does.
And then one day the two are no more… having a hundred reasons to part ways, and none to remain, repair, and rebuild.
It is a most unfortunate thing that anger has so much power over us. It is sad to see the terrible impact it has in so many lives and how so many so readily give their happiness away to anger. Many storm into a room with a defiant stride and an abundance of “powerful” anger thinking to make a point or get their way only to see, at the end of the road, that it was worthless.
Anger, you see, is the enabler that allows our happiness to be corrupted.
That damn Prostitute…
Here’s the situation and process I’ve witnessed in many occasions, and that, I noticed is presently considered commonplace for so many in our community (sadly):
The two are in a relationship, both proclaiming their love for one another. They have grown to feel they have finally found someone they can be themselves with; someone that values their individuality for what it is; someone that shares common views and interests on many fronts. Off they go, along the thrilling avenues of life, hand-in-had with confidence in their ability to live the lives they had both dreamed of, they bask in the glow of love.
There is no question the two are fully engaged in the relationship and benefiting from accepting one another in their fullness. Both are growing in ways and places they could never have imagined. Together the two possess the ability to overcome each and every obstacle they may face… and do so without skipping a beat. The Love they share is so complete there is nary a single thought given to the notion that this bliss could some day change.
But one day it does.
One day, something happens that begins the dulling process of this once radiant love. This event, while small at first, is the very thing that puts the couple on high alert, and soon becomes the threat to the very thing they both want and value so highly. I like to say it is the first stage in the Prostitution of their Happiness. I say so because it is during these events that the happiness the couple so highly values is relegated to the corruption brought on by the unworthy – and undignified – purposes of anger.
The Scenario:
The two are in conversation, as they have done so a thousand times prior to this moment in time. One of them says something that seems normal and appropriate based upon his/her perspective, and with a desire to further enjoy the discourse. The other person for some reason that might seem unclear, and that certainly comes from a place and awareness not relevant to the present situation, takes offense to what is said. He/she is struck by what he/she just heard and reacts in a way that demonstrates this. To the surprise and bewilderment of the other person, this behavior is off-putting, to say the least. Words are said that could compromise the stability of the once stable platform on which the relationship stands. Emotions spill forth that cast a dark light on one or both of them, neither wanting to take ownership of their role played in the scenario.
Two very critical things happen now: first, the one to which the anger was aimed decides he/she will no longer “talk about that”, second, the one who became angry initially decides he/she was justified in their position, even though the adverse emotional outburst has become the initiating catalyst that may someday defeat the very thing they both want – lasting happiness together.
This is the moment in time when the Prostitute is at the apex of destructive power. This is where the Prostitute engages in the spread of disease, discord, and dishonor into the relationship. This is where the seeds of defamation, contempt, and diminished support enter into the lives of these two. If the two aren’t careful and willing to raise their level of awareness and respect for the relationship, the path to happiness will be slowly, subtly derailed. They will some day find themselves quite unhappy.
So the couple somehow gets beyond the event and is finally getting back on track. Things are now flowing and the smiles and joy find their way back into the daily routines. They talk about dreams, plans, ideas, and events of the day.
But never any more talks about that thing that was their flash point.
And then one day it happens again. Once again they are in the pit of despair, having to grapple with that inner demon called Anger that seeks to Prostitute their happiness. Once again they struggle to believe in one another and find reason to hold steadfast to what they want for their lives.
And once again two very critical things happen. Yes, it happens once again. So now there are two things they will no longer talk about. Now there are two episodes where they went from two people enjoying the love they each share, to two warriors so determined to get their way they would gladly destroy the very prize they had so proudly proclaimed they were ready to enjoy.
And soon we see the pattern evolve. Soon we see with each episode the same thing happening. The two get caught up in their own positions and neither is willing to step up to remind the other of what they are about.
Sadly, after months, years, and sometime decades of this… After deciding there is so few “safe” things to talk about and there are so many episodic explosions, the two one day realize they do not even like the person sleeping soundly beside them.
That Prostitute… she is very good at what she does.
And then one day the two are no more… having a hundred reasons to part ways, and none to remain, repair, and rebuild.
It is a most unfortunate thing that anger has so much power over us. It is sad to see the terrible impact it has in so many lives and how so many so readily give their happiness away to anger. Many storm into a room with a defiant stride and an abundance of “powerful” anger thinking to make a point or get their way only to see, at the end of the road, that it was worthless.
Anger, you see, is the enabler that allows our happiness to be corrupted.
That damn Prostitute…
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