No. 74 - An absence of presence

There are times in our lives when we are so caught up in our thinking or feelings about something that we create an impenetrable shield around us, allowing no words or other viewpoints to influence us. Our inner center is so intimately attached to one view or the other that nothing and no one can cause us to acknowledge and give value to a different perspective. We find justification for our position and seek confirmation simply because we think our view is right, or better, or smarter... you get the picture.

It is when we are so deeply immersed in such thinking and emotional avarice that we lose site of whatever master plan or noble goal we might have claimed as our own. This is especially true when it comes to the modern relationship, for all too often the parties wage war, and the potential for evolving into something great is ruined because one (or both) parties cannot break away from their right to “stand their ground” on a position they hold dear.

I call this an absence of presence.

As I consider this it becomes clearer to me this could well be at the core of many problems or disconnects we experience in life, and on many levels. It could be the reason relationships fail in the midst of finger pointing, arguments, and feelings of abandonment. It is, indeed, the very thing that causes separation, distrust and insecurity in relationships because it causes the bonds of the union to dissipate into nothingness.

What happens to a conversation when one or both parties refuse to allow the other perspective to enter into the dialog? What is the result of placing little or no value on the views of the other person? Who gains, who loses? And what is accomplished when two people are battling for what they say is a common goal, yet both have devalued the others perspective?

A lot to think about, for sure, but I think there is a much bigger question we should bring into the conversation as well: Why do people hold on to their positions so violently when there is no reason to do so?

Now that’s a juicy question...

As I consider things I have a sense that we have come to attach our identity to the views and opinions we hold dear. These views and opinions have been reflected upon, internalized, and embraced at a spiritual level for many and are therefore critical in the shaping of how we view the world and interact with others. They help in defining who we are as individuals and they set the boundaries that form our comfort zone. Yet even at this spiritual level, is the view helpful to the individual by creating harmony, peace, and a more enriching life experience? If it is then it is good, if it is not, then it should change.

When these boundaries are crossed we immediately grab hold of our internal reference materials and assess the situation. When we find a position is being challenged we call in the intellectual or emotional reinforcements and set about making ready for battle with the opponent (who in the case of a challenged relationship is the very person we say we love). Next thing you know, what began as an opportunity to learn and grow has been flipped and the relationship finds itself struggling for air.

But is this a matter of holding firm to what we believe in for some moral reason, or is it a matter of being unwilling to grow?

I think we have lost our sense of moral conviction and we have ignored the power this conviction once had in our lives. I think we are unwilling to grow. I think we fight the notion of continued growth daily because we have become “safe and secure” under the umbrella of opinions and ideals that define us. It is easy to say we want to grow, but how many people actually do grow?

Just to be clear, my thinking is that when two people are safe in their zones and have found mutual and lasting peace then that’s great and there is a nurturing harmony that is shared by all. At the same time, if a couple or person is challenged to reconsider a position that is contrary to an individual or common goal, then this presents a personal growth opportunity.

Instead of being afraid of thinking outside of the box we should feel good knowing we can embrace ideas, notion, perspectives, and concepts that are consistent with our views as well as those that are completely different.

Of course, each case is different and merits individual scrutiny. When we consider differing views there should be a standard we must compare each side to, and we should agree to accept the position that either reaches the standard, helps to realize a shared goal, or both. I think this is where a couple or group can exercise its greatest power to move towards a goal and I think this is the “muscle” that is least exercised in troubled relationships.

All too often we get stuck in the mud of selfish, argumentative, individual idealism when it is in our best interests to put the individual view aside and embrace a view that will benefit “all”.

I wonder what it takes to make that possible... I wonder how can we move forward with a different approach to interacting with one another. I wonder if my thoughts and opinions are too idealistic for the modern world, and if I should not challenge others to see things differently.

Alas, I am who I am and this is my calling.

One final word...

When we are lost and caught up in our absence of presence we never experience all that is there before us. We are lost within our own minds because we have allowed our thoughts to imprison our sense of external awareness. All we see and hear and know are the thoughts that reverberate within our minds that reinforce a position that might actually go against our best interests.