No. 69 - Give and Take Within

What is it about the human condition that causes a person to hold steadfast to a viewpoint, belief or position even when it prevents him from that which he desires to possess? How closely aligned to the problems we perceive in our relationships are our words and actions? And, why do we hold so tenaciously to those parts of our psyche that seem to keep our happiness at bay?

These are some of the questions that rested on my mind this morning as I awakened. I lay there I wondered about the series of connected “dots” that compose our identity, and that set into motion the experiences we have in life.

As I consider these thoughts I begin to see a connection from one stage of the matter to the next. It occurs to me our identities have somehow become closely associated with our habits. These habits are nothing more than a series of repeated actions that we have become comfortable with. These actions are based upon the perspectives and realities we experience as we flow through the world as we evolve toward our individual (and collective) greatness. At various points in our evolution (in fact, the points of evolution) we decide what viewpoint we will embrace (and the accompanying attitude) or what viewpoint we will drop. Once these decisions are made our natural processes come into play and we soon find these new viewpoints tightly integrated into our view of the world.

In either case, we tend to adopt mannerisms, attitudes, and perspectives that are in line with how we regard the world, and the people in the world that we come across. It is these mannerisms that, when repeatedly exercised, become the recognizable traits of our character. Lo and behold, when we think of a person we have become acquainted with we hold a mental image of this person that is based on the actions of this person and the experiences we have had with this person, whether good or bad.

I tend to think about this with what I would consider an honest yet critical eye. I tend to use my thoughts to better understand the world around me, and apply these understandings to situations I find myself exposed to. I have found this approach to be helpful in my work with community and in helping to remove my own mental barriers.

Still, how is it that we have come to hold that part of us that opposes our true desire with such fervent passion?

I recently returned from a convention in Tampa and at one of the keynote events an older gentleman gave a presentation that really resonated regarding this subject. He sited an experiment done many years ago by Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman in which the term “Learned Helplessness” was coined.

The idea developed was based on a person who is exposed conditions that fostered adverse, fearful, or uncomfortable emotions. When this happens that person develops behaviors that remain present and impactful even when removed from the situation -- even applying them to similar situations later on in life. This is to say, we learn to behave in ways that perpetuate our thoughts of fear and helplessness even when removed from the circumstances that caused us adopt these viewpoints. Even when we have no clear reason to do so.

As I think about it, it makes a lot of sense. It explains why it is so hard for people to overcome past hurts or feelings of fear, rather choosing to continue protective and/or controlling behaviors. It explains why so many in our community have allowed their feelings of helplessness to dictate their views of and experiences in life, and it accounts for the many problems that grab us unexpectedly as we go about the business of maintaining lifelong relationships.

I see this every time I speak to a young man who proclaims he wants a job yet explains there are no jobs to be had. He, therefore, does not try to find work. He has learned to feel helpless -- it is his normal way now -- and so now he acts hopeless. In the end, the very thing he says he wants he has “learned” he cannot have and because of his thinking, he acts in ways that makes his belief his reality.

While some may call this a self fulfilling prophesy, I like to think this is nothing more than learned behavior. I take this position because I believe we can each control what we learn far more effectively then what we prophesy.

So we are now looking more carefully and honestly at how we have come to act in certain ways and under certain conditions. We are considering how it is that our emotional “training” has come to control our logical implementation of will. And we are seeing how our happiness or sadness, our success or failure -- all these things the constitute the human animal -- is based simply on our learned behavior. It is something we all have and something that is intimately held within us all.

I think this is a great thing. I think so because I believe we are all smart enough to see the value in taking a decidedly proactive approach to re-learning how we give and take within.