No. 65 - 20 to Life

We sat across from one another, confident in our abilities to discuss and explore an issue that so many others find repulsive. We were both anxious to share our viewpoints while at the same time hoping to discover some insight that might help in understanding what goes on in the mind of those most folk would rather ignore. Our hope was that we could somehow gain a better understanding of the mindset and actions of that group in our society we classify as “criminal”.

I can never know if he had an ulterior motive, wanting to gain some upper hand or favor. In truth, the thought never entered my mind. As I look back at the dialog, I can see that I was genuinely intrigued by the opportunity to learn from this Brother. Indeed, for me, as is ever my way, I simply wanted to understand.

He is six months out of prison, having served twenty years for robbery. He had been caught up in his drug addiction and lost all connection to our “logical” world. His crimes were many, having committed one form of crime or another since a very young age. He did not waver in the telling of his story, having chosen a life of crime and recklessness early in life.

The conversation started with me asking questions around the youth of our day and their untoward acts and behaviors that have so routinely lead them to jail or the penitentiary. I had been wondering what it is within our once innocent children that causes them to break away from what they know is good or right to do that which hurts not just themselves, but also their community. I’m compelled to ask these questions because of the many stories I’ve been privy to, and the observations I’ve made about what I suspect are the root causes. And, I must say, I wanted to determine if my overall assessment of the situation was accurate.

As his story goes, he had made up his mind at a very early age to commit to a life of crime. One thing lead to another and then drugs came into his life… first one kind, and then the next, and so on. Soon he was an addict and did what many addicts do to support their habit…

Ultimately, he landed in prison. He boldly proclaimed that it was there, at that low point in his life, that he committed to fixing what was broken within him.

I wanted to know what had caused his behavior at such a young age, and when did he really begin to come to grips with it.

He reiterated, “It’s what I wanted to do.”

In my mind that was not the core issue. In my mind there had to be some other reason or event that had caused this intelligent man to make those choices at such a young age. I am forced to believe we are all intelligent even at a young age, and we all do know right from wrong.

Here he sat, in his late fifties, a testament to the power of a Man to choose differently even at the lowest point in his life. A Man whose life fully demonstrates that our inner strength will ever be far deeper, much stronger, and more entrenched within us than many would have us believe.

So I pressed the issue.

Being careful to maintain the conversation without focusing on him I said, “Surely, we all know the difference between right and wrong. You said you have siblings that are all considered successes by anyone’s measure… what was it about you that caused you to chose a different path?”

His phone rang and he excused himself. I sat there quietly, considering all he had shared while at the same time wanting to take the dialog further. I hoped he would return so the conversation could progress. I hoped I had not scared him off or offended him in any way.

Shortly, he re-entered the room, a broad smile upon his face. He came straightway to his seat and took it.

“That was a friend of mine. I’ve been talking to her for three months now about staying off drugs and coping with her inner demons. I told her she needs to love herself more than ever before because she is facing major challenges in her life right now”, he said.

“Yeah, I know what you mean… so many women are dealing with so many issues these days”, was my response.

“For sure” he said, “and no matter how bad it gets they have to find the strength. For me, it was God. I don’t preach it or anything like that, but that’s how I got over mine”.

There was a brief pause.

“Her Son is in Juvie Hall and he says he doesn’t want to be there. I told her to tell him he has no choice – because he doesn’t – and she needs to be his Mother now more than ever. Then she went on to tell me because of this and her ongoing mistrust, hurt and the pain still present from a past rape she is tempted to go back to the drugs again”, he said.

“Man, she’s got to find that strength… keep encouraging her...”, I started but then he said something that stopped me.

“When I was in prison I decided I couldn’t keep it in anymore. That’s when I started to heal. I stood up and spoke up about when I was raped. It happened when I was five, then six, then seven… all the way to when I was seventeen. My mother didn’t believe me. Said I was making it up. Do you know how that made me feel!?”

We were there… in the thick of it, and so the conversation flowed… “So you needed something to deal with your hurt?”, I asked.

He was quiet.

“When a child is violated and loses his/her sense of trust, and the very people who are supposed to protect and nurture them do not, they find ways to cope”, I said.

He looked at me a moment and then said, “That’s when I gave up. That’s when I found my way of keeping my pain and hurt in check – the drugs, the alcohol, the crime.”



This is a theme I’ve heard from many of the women whose presence and stories I’ve been honored to share in. It is a theme many in our community hold that, in my opinion, continues to wreak havoc even to this day. We have gotten so far away from a true nurturing community in many cases that our very foundation is shaking loose even as we go about our lives acting as if all is well.

I thought about that conversation the rest of the evening… it’s why I’m compelled to write this… and I’ve come to realize that his prison sentence was far longer than the 20 to life he was given by some judge.

His prison sentence began the day his trust was violated and the lack of support for that young innocent child drove him to seeking and embracing his false sense of security, his “forget-about-the-hurt” remedies.

The final thing he told me was his behavior had changed all those many years ago because he did, so early on in his life, what he thought was necessary to protect his sanity and get through the hurt.

Oh, the sad irony of it all. Oh, the unfortunate truth of that reality. Oh, the painful burden he had been forced to carry all those years.

The bad news is that this was his reality and similar realities exist throughout our community in the lives of so many others.

The good news is we can all learn from this brave Brother. He has been clean and sober for more than fifteen years now and has put his haunts to rest. He has found a way to experience self-love while at the same time forgive those whose actions corrupted his Spirit and became the catalyst that nearly ruined his life. He is a testament to our individual strength to rise above any “assigned” station in life where others think to dictate our destiny. His is a journey that spans decades and is filled with victories over the very things that only perpetuate hurt, but that so many find false solace in.

Would we but listen, would we but learn.