One has to decide

(The Poetry Series #5)


I have held strong for a long time, weathering every wave that broke against my shore, steadfast in my resolve to make this journey without fuss. I’ve suffered through loss, humiliation, degradation, and ruin, only to rise yet another day for more. I’ve found the strength to look into the darkest that surrounds me and find the glimmer of light that I know exists. I’ve tried to be the man I’ve always known existed within me, even though others have attempted to deny me this.

And I am tired.

Today I found the damn that shielded my tears had sprung a leak, and this leak could not be stopped. In the quiet corner of my last refuge I allowed those tears to fall. A sniffle here and there, the warmth of this wetness flowing down my cheek. The sweet saltiness reminding me that even in this moment my senses are alive and alert, ever aware of my existence.

I write about so many things to release the tension and hurt that is within me. My journey has taken me to the streets along side the homeless, foodless, hopeless, and into the corridors of the decision makers we call political leaders. I did not invite this life... I imagine I prayed for it. Yet I could have never known the hurt that would dog my every step. I could never have imagined the truths and experiences I would witness. And then the moment comes when I finally stop and am forced to ask myself:

Where do I find time to comfort my Soul? When do I get to breathe my sigh of relief?

A man is said to be without emotion, without feeling or need to be held. This lie is the very thing that perpetuates the hurt we all share. And so many choose to believe it... Easier to stand by the wayside and watch the man struggle then to be by his side to triumph over the challenge, together.

We have come to be a society with callus regard for that which once built us up, choosing to satisfy our misplaced sense of need over valuing love, affection, respect, growth. So many are lost to this thinking we now regard ourselves as the collective desensitized dysfunction of humanity.

And I cry.

I am not better then another man, no more then another woman. I am no braver then so many of my Brothers and Sisters out here -- out there -- who battle their storms each day. We all share the same concerns, the same worries, the same fears... we all traverse a road that seems to end each step, lifting our feet forward in faith and belief day in and day out. Prayerfully we ask the Gods to guide us to the mark, knowing these prayers will be answered, feeling the surge of empowerment, yet wrestling with the fear that the unknown will consume us.

Many share tales of bewilderment and loss, of subjugation to the wills of others, of betrayal and stunned disbelief at the words that so fluidly flow from the mouths of those who -- “love us”. Men wonder if women are bipolar, not understanding the impact of their hardened words, their erratic behaviors, their perpetual denial of the role they play in our disharmonized unions. Women clamor at the detached and feelingless men who have “made it” and then become as nothing, care for no one, rise only to the communal level of maturity even lower then a young boy.

And together we struggle in misery.

This world is filled with beauty, yet so much of it is hidden from the eye. For sure we can see many wonderful statures, buildings, scenery yet the beauty that is most direly needed is that which comes from within. Compassion, giving, caring, feeling, nurturing, dare I say: truly loving.

We spawn the world we live within, our words and actions mate. It is from that mating -- that union -- that we experience this world for the good, bad, positive, negative... but WE spawn our experiences.

So I’ll not be angry at the challenges I face, or allow my challenges to become the excuse I need to stop trying, believing, hoping, dreaming, doing. I’ll dry these tears and take comfort in knowing my continued trust in God and the prayers I’ve offered are enough to keep me going. I’ll continue to know my needs will be met and desires will be filled, and that no man upon this planet can prevent it. And I’ll weather the storms that blow, the waves that beat, the chill air that freezes, ever with a stiff back, a loud voice, and pleasant regard for all.

I believe I can say without question, in speaking for the many of us who fight the tiger each day:

We may shed a tear or two today
And maybe tomorrow too
We may fall upon the road of life
But WE get up, I assure you

We understand this thing called Faith
And belief and hopefulness too
We seem to always find the path
Regardless of what others do

So don’t think that WE have lost the fight
Because of tears we shed
Just recognize that from deep inside
Comes our victories, just like WE said.