Over the last five to six months I've been working with youth from the inner city areas of Oakland. The projects I've been working on are both centered on using film to engage the minds and impressions of our youth, and to discover a way to “kick-start” within them a greater sense of self and community awareness. I have to tell you these “journeys” have been fraught with challenges and insights that forced me to evaluate my desire to work with these youth.
In a word: “Damn! We got problems!” (Okay, so that's more than one word).
I've been exposed to dialog and behaviors that made me do repetitive double takes; I've attempted to speak to our youth about how to create a greater sense of self and community only to be told – by our youth – that all adults can do is talk; I've sat watching one group of youth tease another until one of the youth ended up crying – all for the sake on “entertainment”.
And while these are the tangible experiences of our daily lives, we continue to be forced to live with constant reminders of crime, struggle, communities failing, increased homelessness, and so many other challenges. It's enough to make a grown man cry.
Yet there is always hope. There is always something next to do to find our way through the dis-ease and malice we are surrounded by.
Yesterday I sat with a colleague and the two of us pondered how adults can engage our youth to instill a greater sense of character, and community virtue. We watched the youth acting as though no one had every told them how to act in public, or how to engage those they meet in public without creating a sense of fear (yes, it seems our youth have now mastered the art of leveraging their mass and acting out in ways that many are intimidated by). We called some of the youth over and spoke to them in our attempt to understand how they perceived their behaviors and what an adult could do to better shape their regard for others.
While we gained some information, I was astounded by how quickly our youth are willing to act like they simply do not know what you are talking about, how I must have seen the situation a bit differently because nothing happened or was going on, or how innocent they are – even when I see and hear someone saying or doing something inappropriate with my very eyes.
At the end of the day my mind was plagued with thoughts of the ongoing continued demise of our communities. A demise brought about because so few understand their value, roles and place in the community, or the truth of how we are all interdependent upon one another to realize and sustain our greatest potential. My thoughts and emotions rode a coaster of highs and lows that took me to many different places. I entertained thoughts of yielding my fight to making a positive difference in my community, of creating a “boot camp” style environment to force our youth to see things – even if a bit more clearly.
We had a family discussion last night that helped me to better understand how we can start making a difference now. (It's always interesting to me that when I am in the throes of deep thought and searching for answers or guidance, the Universe always presents an answer that clears my path, allowing me to keep the fight going).
What's interesting is that the conversation had very little to do with the youth I've been working with in a direct sense. What came out of the conversation was a number of viewpoints that ultimately lead to the most salient observation, and that helped in firming up my final approach to addressing this matter. Specifically, I might add, addressing this matter with the youth who have not demonstrated a level of respect for or awareness of themselves and their environment.
We talked about the use of the the terms Mr., Miss, and Mrs. by children when talking to adults. One way of looking at the subject was that children have no preference at all regarding how they address adults. Another way of looking at the subject was that by using the titles youth show respect for adults because by doing so a partition between adult and child is acknowledged. Another way of looking at the subject is that it was not required because children already knew they must respect adults and the use of these titles could sometimes be used as a way to belittle the child.
...Yeah, we had a great conversation around this and were able to cover many areas that we may not have had we not been open to the discussion...
During the dialog the notion of the role of teachers, and how youth interact with them was introduced. Thoughts went from teachers, to doctors, to clergy, to others we traditionally regard as leaders. Here is where all the dots came together for me. Here is where I found the immediate answer to my question.
What came out of that discussion was a realization that in most cases our youth – those that are troubled, on the verge of heading down the wrong path,(and even that are known to be good and more into doing good) – are conditioned to refer to teachers and others in a position to teach/instruct/guide/help (you get the picture) them by title. In considering this dynamic I was able to deduce that perhaps one thing we can all start doing to begin to reinforce the notion of respect and awareness in our youth is to start requiring that they refer to adults in a more proper fashion. While this approach may not need to be applied to all, I do think it is worth while to try it just to see what kind of reaction it induces within our youth.
I reflect back on my childhood and early adulthood and am reminded of the fact I knew without question how I should act when in the presence of adults. I knew without question I could not behave in inappropriate manners when adults were around. Hell, I knew I couldn't do many things even when they weren't around, come to think of it.
But in the end, one of the things I knew more than anything else is whenever I referred to an adult as Mr., Miss, or Mrs., that adult was treated with the respect due them - without there having to be any reminders.
10 December 2008
No. 49 - Opposite Sides... Yet Still the Same
Today I sat in silence at one of my regular “time-for-me” spots because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. As is the cause oftentimes, when one is in hot pursuit of something worthwhile, one gets to the point where one simply needs to be quiet. My time today was such and I'm now at peace. I'll share with you how this came to be...
It was while in this mode that I received a call from a dear Cousin of mine who lives on the Northern East Coast of the US. He lives in a large city and throughout our lives – regardless of the space and distance that has separated us – his life experiences and mine have always paralleled one another. We spoke for a while and then he confided in me what he was feeling.
“I'm just angry,” he said. “For no apparent reason and I can't seem to shake it. I'm feeling very frustrated at how I've been struggling and, no matter what, I can't seem to break even.” This was profound in that I had heard these very words from others here on the West Coast – and I've even said them myself, at times. I listened, trying to help him discover where these feelings were coming from. Unbeknown to him this conversation was helping me as well.
“How are things with you and the Misses?” I asked.
“Things are going well.” He said. “We both are growing... I'm beginning to understand that I too need to change if I am to have the kind of relationship I've said I wanted. So I will.”
Well, that said, I knew that wasn't the thing behind his feelings of frustration. I considered his response a bit more. I considered how I was feeling and how at the very moment I was feeling the same as he was that he would call. (Funny how life always finds a way to demonstrate to us we are never alone in what we feel or what we experience in life).
“Man, this gas is killing me. I put in seventy-three dollars worth of gas every three days just to get back and forth to work and still end up having to find creative ways to keep things going.” He said.
“Yeah, it's crazy over here as well. I drive only when I have to and sometimes that can be a challenge... I'm doing the same thing...” I replied.
That got me to thinking and, as the conversation went forward, I came to more clearly understand what was bothering him... and me.
The news we hear and watch on television these days indicate things continue to be “not-so-well” for our communities, our economy, and our country. Our leaders continue to paint a pretty picture of things while more and more of us struggle to survive the week... and for some, the day. The war is draining our society of its youth and its funds, and it continues to challenge the very ideals of what America is about. Almost everyone knows someone who has suffered a loss in the housing meltdown. Families are pushed farther and farther away from realizing their American Dream on a daily basis.
Employers are expecting more from us while we receive less from them. Those that do continue to thrive do so with the blind belief that everyone can still make it. Jobs have evaporated while the cost for rentals and homes continue to escalate. Whoa, mama! What in the world is going on here?
And while we have decided to keep our nose to the grindstone and do our all to safeguard that which we do have, we also have lost our sense of community. Neighbors are no longer neighbors... but instead people we see as we go about our daily chores. Churches continue to lose their hold and value in our communities and fewer families attend.
So sorry to sound like my cup is half-empty but I am compelled to think that in order for us to overcome the challenges we all face in the modern world, the first thing we must be able to do is see the truth of what is really going on. I should add it is not my intent to dissuade anyone from reading this dispatch, but on the contrary, my intent is to use these words to remind us where we are and what, in my opinion, we must do to weather the storm that is yet to come.
There is a growing sense of enlightenment that continues to develop momentum in just about every community. Many people are now beginning to understand how important it is that we remember there is so much more to life then that which constitutes the accumulated efforts of a single individual.
In a world... COMMUNITY. Community is now being regarded as the only true safe haven with the capacity to withstand the broken ethical, economic, spiritual, and political infrastructure that has (sadly) defined who we are as an American culture.
But let me bring this back to my cousin. Let me bring this back to me... and let me bring this back to you. For what does all this talk of community mean to the individual who knows he/she must continue his/her course in the hope of realizing the dream? And how can these observations be made more personal – to the point where we are all compelled and move to act?
As I see things, now is the time for us to remember and to know that we must put aside any selfish pursuits and decide to place greater value on doing our part to better our community. It starts with your personal relationship with that someone special in your life. Value him/her and know that your commitment to surviving to the end is the very cornerstone of every surviving community. The individual relationship must be given the highest regard because we can no longer hope, wait for, or expect things to get better.
In reflecting upon the various challenges we now face I am both frightened and saddened by how things are getting. I am bothered by how troubled our communities have become and by how many of our youth are all but forgotten. It is a problem for me that we have wholesale opted not to provide tangible proof of a strong and lasting mother/father relationship to our children.
As I consider what we face it is as though we are now facing the highest challenge to the stability of all communities – so high that its peak is somewhere lost in the clouds. Yet the very challenge we face provides the most gratifying prospects as well...
I saw as I spoke to my cousin on the opposite side of the Country that no matter the concern; no matter the challenge; no matter the sacrifices; we are different individuals yet still the same people.
The most gratifying prospect of our current life situation is that in the end -- when we are seventy years old and looking back at all we've endured -- if we choose to commit to the one that we love come hell or high water, we would have experienced a life of fulfillment and both personal and communal victory that will make us all proud to be who we are.
It was while in this mode that I received a call from a dear Cousin of mine who lives on the Northern East Coast of the US. He lives in a large city and throughout our lives – regardless of the space and distance that has separated us – his life experiences and mine have always paralleled one another. We spoke for a while and then he confided in me what he was feeling.
“I'm just angry,” he said. “For no apparent reason and I can't seem to shake it. I'm feeling very frustrated at how I've been struggling and, no matter what, I can't seem to break even.” This was profound in that I had heard these very words from others here on the West Coast – and I've even said them myself, at times. I listened, trying to help him discover where these feelings were coming from. Unbeknown to him this conversation was helping me as well.
“How are things with you and the Misses?” I asked.
“Things are going well.” He said. “We both are growing... I'm beginning to understand that I too need to change if I am to have the kind of relationship I've said I wanted. So I will.”
Well, that said, I knew that wasn't the thing behind his feelings of frustration. I considered his response a bit more. I considered how I was feeling and how at the very moment I was feeling the same as he was that he would call. (Funny how life always finds a way to demonstrate to us we are never alone in what we feel or what we experience in life).
“Man, this gas is killing me. I put in seventy-three dollars worth of gas every three days just to get back and forth to work and still end up having to find creative ways to keep things going.” He said.
“Yeah, it's crazy over here as well. I drive only when I have to and sometimes that can be a challenge... I'm doing the same thing...” I replied.
That got me to thinking and, as the conversation went forward, I came to more clearly understand what was bothering him... and me.
The news we hear and watch on television these days indicate things continue to be “not-so-well” for our communities, our economy, and our country. Our leaders continue to paint a pretty picture of things while more and more of us struggle to survive the week... and for some, the day. The war is draining our society of its youth and its funds, and it continues to challenge the very ideals of what America is about. Almost everyone knows someone who has suffered a loss in the housing meltdown. Families are pushed farther and farther away from realizing their American Dream on a daily basis.
Employers are expecting more from us while we receive less from them. Those that do continue to thrive do so with the blind belief that everyone can still make it. Jobs have evaporated while the cost for rentals and homes continue to escalate. Whoa, mama! What in the world is going on here?
And while we have decided to keep our nose to the grindstone and do our all to safeguard that which we do have, we also have lost our sense of community. Neighbors are no longer neighbors... but instead people we see as we go about our daily chores. Churches continue to lose their hold and value in our communities and fewer families attend.
So sorry to sound like my cup is half-empty but I am compelled to think that in order for us to overcome the challenges we all face in the modern world, the first thing we must be able to do is see the truth of what is really going on. I should add it is not my intent to dissuade anyone from reading this dispatch, but on the contrary, my intent is to use these words to remind us where we are and what, in my opinion, we must do to weather the storm that is yet to come.
There is a growing sense of enlightenment that continues to develop momentum in just about every community. Many people are now beginning to understand how important it is that we remember there is so much more to life then that which constitutes the accumulated efforts of a single individual.
In a world... COMMUNITY. Community is now being regarded as the only true safe haven with the capacity to withstand the broken ethical, economic, spiritual, and political infrastructure that has (sadly) defined who we are as an American culture.
But let me bring this back to my cousin. Let me bring this back to me... and let me bring this back to you. For what does all this talk of community mean to the individual who knows he/she must continue his/her course in the hope of realizing the dream? And how can these observations be made more personal – to the point where we are all compelled and move to act?
As I see things, now is the time for us to remember and to know that we must put aside any selfish pursuits and decide to place greater value on doing our part to better our community. It starts with your personal relationship with that someone special in your life. Value him/her and know that your commitment to surviving to the end is the very cornerstone of every surviving community. The individual relationship must be given the highest regard because we can no longer hope, wait for, or expect things to get better.
In reflecting upon the various challenges we now face I am both frightened and saddened by how things are getting. I am bothered by how troubled our communities have become and by how many of our youth are all but forgotten. It is a problem for me that we have wholesale opted not to provide tangible proof of a strong and lasting mother/father relationship to our children.
As I consider what we face it is as though we are now facing the highest challenge to the stability of all communities – so high that its peak is somewhere lost in the clouds. Yet the very challenge we face provides the most gratifying prospects as well...
I saw as I spoke to my cousin on the opposite side of the Country that no matter the concern; no matter the challenge; no matter the sacrifices; we are different individuals yet still the same people.
The most gratifying prospect of our current life situation is that in the end -- when we are seventy years old and looking back at all we've endured -- if we choose to commit to the one that we love come hell or high water, we would have experienced a life of fulfillment and both personal and communal victory that will make us all proud to be who we are.
No. 47 - Deeper Self
We go about our day ever looking towards our tomorrows. We long to interact with that special someone in the spirit of sharing and caring. We consider the myriad topics we want to discuss… to gain perspective… to seek a better shared understanding… to somehow build a closer relationship with our special somebody.
And many times we never quite get to that point. We get home tired and stressed, unwilling or unable to recall the many great thoughts that helped us through the day… that gave us reason to look towards tomorrow. We get home and all we want to do is relax… maybe tomorrow there’ll be time… maybe tomorrow that conversation will be had.
And then the time comes when we actually get there. The moment of truth arrives and we are able to share with that special person in our lives. But something seems to be missing. For sure we can talk about the weather, our day, the calls and emails from family and loved ones. For sure we can talk about paying that bill or the success we had in running some errand.
But still, something is missing.
Then we rationalize that we’re both just tired or there wasn’t enough time to really get to the heart of the matter… so we take what we can from the moment and hang on to the feelings of longing that have been compelling our need to communicate. We carry these feelings into our tomorrow and tomorrows tomorrow, hoping that somehow we’ll finally get there… we’ll finally have that meaningful and intimate discourse that – to that moment, at least – has eluded us.
It is at this time that we face a crossroad. For some it’s quite obvious and a very tangible thing, for others it comes and goes without any realization. We stand on the brink of deciding what it is that we really want… whether we will engage in intimate and meaningful discourse with our loved one… whether we will make the time to do what our spirits are pushing us to do, or whether we will continue to pay lip service to our need. For others, the choice is whether they will let their need fade into oblivion… only to look at themselves sometime in the future and ask the question: “What has happened to me?”
Looking forward can sometimes help to clear ones perspective. Looking back can do the same. But alas, what about looking at the present moment…?
As I consider what it means to me to hold a meaningful, intimate conversation, I’m drawn to the fact a key component of such a dialog is tied to the individual. How well we know ourselves is predicated by how honest we can be with ourselves, and how willing we are to acknowledge these truths individually, and share in these truths with our partner. Trust, mutual respect for one another, a kind ear, and the elimination of judgment all factor in to creating a moment in time where two people can genuinely share of themselves.
We are all so busy pursuing our goals or struggling to stay in the game we now have less time to engage in real conversation. Our jobs occupy our minds every waking hour, in some cases. We put forth so much effort to provide for our families and conduct ourselves as responsible adults that it – in many cases, sadly – gets in the way of maintaining our most valued asset… our relationship with our significant other.
So these are some of the realities we face in the modern relationship. These are some of the challenges to our success that we should recognize and learn how to overcome. But which of these is critical to starting on the journey to reclaiming a level of verbal intimacy that will sustain our relationships?
A good question, indeed... One with a response that might be different from one person to the next… One that warrants thought and consideration, and requires that we each take time to reflect upon.
For me, the answer to this question is centered on the individual and his/her willingness to have a more intimate relationship. For me, the only way to begin the journey to reclaiming a greater level of sustainable intimacy in our relationships is to start with taking the time to gain a greater understanding of ones Deeper Self. Therein lies the richness and excitement of the individual. Within each of us, should we choose to explore our Deeper Selves, we would find the intrigue and dynamic characteristics that, when shared with our loved one, will lead to vibrant discourse and ultimately, greater intimacy.
We are each in and of ourselves unique. Our journeys in life are characterized by daring challenges, excellent adventures, specific moments of personal growth, perspectives and ideal that could spark a lifetime of conversation, and the innate ability to and capacity to reinvent our individual selves. It is my belief that each of us retains the ability to choose to become our best selves at any time… and that by making the choice to be a better person, we demonstrate our capacity to grow when we choose to.
Imagine the many gems of insight and understanding we would be blessed with if we would but only open ourselves to seeing, sharing, and shaping the relationship – and the self we bring into the relationship – we now have into the relationship we have each dreamed about.
Imagine how much better we would all know ourselves if we but take time to look within and touch our Deeper Selves.
And imagine how interesting our interactions will be when we have the confidence, daring, and desire to share this Deeper Self with our loved one…
Imagine…
And many times we never quite get to that point. We get home tired and stressed, unwilling or unable to recall the many great thoughts that helped us through the day… that gave us reason to look towards tomorrow. We get home and all we want to do is relax… maybe tomorrow there’ll be time… maybe tomorrow that conversation will be had.
And then the time comes when we actually get there. The moment of truth arrives and we are able to share with that special person in our lives. But something seems to be missing. For sure we can talk about the weather, our day, the calls and emails from family and loved ones. For sure we can talk about paying that bill or the success we had in running some errand.
But still, something is missing.
Then we rationalize that we’re both just tired or there wasn’t enough time to really get to the heart of the matter… so we take what we can from the moment and hang on to the feelings of longing that have been compelling our need to communicate. We carry these feelings into our tomorrow and tomorrows tomorrow, hoping that somehow we’ll finally get there… we’ll finally have that meaningful and intimate discourse that – to that moment, at least – has eluded us.
It is at this time that we face a crossroad. For some it’s quite obvious and a very tangible thing, for others it comes and goes without any realization. We stand on the brink of deciding what it is that we really want… whether we will engage in intimate and meaningful discourse with our loved one… whether we will make the time to do what our spirits are pushing us to do, or whether we will continue to pay lip service to our need. For others, the choice is whether they will let their need fade into oblivion… only to look at themselves sometime in the future and ask the question: “What has happened to me?”
Looking forward can sometimes help to clear ones perspective. Looking back can do the same. But alas, what about looking at the present moment…?
As I consider what it means to me to hold a meaningful, intimate conversation, I’m drawn to the fact a key component of such a dialog is tied to the individual. How well we know ourselves is predicated by how honest we can be with ourselves, and how willing we are to acknowledge these truths individually, and share in these truths with our partner. Trust, mutual respect for one another, a kind ear, and the elimination of judgment all factor in to creating a moment in time where two people can genuinely share of themselves.
We are all so busy pursuing our goals or struggling to stay in the game we now have less time to engage in real conversation. Our jobs occupy our minds every waking hour, in some cases. We put forth so much effort to provide for our families and conduct ourselves as responsible adults that it – in many cases, sadly – gets in the way of maintaining our most valued asset… our relationship with our significant other.
So these are some of the realities we face in the modern relationship. These are some of the challenges to our success that we should recognize and learn how to overcome. But which of these is critical to starting on the journey to reclaiming a level of verbal intimacy that will sustain our relationships?
A good question, indeed... One with a response that might be different from one person to the next… One that warrants thought and consideration, and requires that we each take time to reflect upon.
For me, the answer to this question is centered on the individual and his/her willingness to have a more intimate relationship. For me, the only way to begin the journey to reclaiming a greater level of sustainable intimacy in our relationships is to start with taking the time to gain a greater understanding of ones Deeper Self. Therein lies the richness and excitement of the individual. Within each of us, should we choose to explore our Deeper Selves, we would find the intrigue and dynamic characteristics that, when shared with our loved one, will lead to vibrant discourse and ultimately, greater intimacy.
We are each in and of ourselves unique. Our journeys in life are characterized by daring challenges, excellent adventures, specific moments of personal growth, perspectives and ideal that could spark a lifetime of conversation, and the innate ability to and capacity to reinvent our individual selves. It is my belief that each of us retains the ability to choose to become our best selves at any time… and that by making the choice to be a better person, we demonstrate our capacity to grow when we choose to.
Imagine the many gems of insight and understanding we would be blessed with if we would but only open ourselves to seeing, sharing, and shaping the relationship – and the self we bring into the relationship – we now have into the relationship we have each dreamed about.
Imagine how much better we would all know ourselves if we but take time to look within and touch our Deeper Selves.
And imagine how interesting our interactions will be when we have the confidence, daring, and desire to share this Deeper Self with our loved one…
Imagine…
No. 46 - Conditional love and failure
“Black women are angry! We’re angry and afraid because we don’t know if we can trust men these days. All this messing around, the down low brothers, just no respect at all…, no honesty, no integrity. We’re guarded all the time, just waiting for our men to come up with some nonsense, just waiting to find out he’s been unfaithful. I know I don’t give my man my all… I don’t want to get hurt again, not like I got hurt the last time… I just don’t know if I could tolerate that”! My colleague said, a mix of frustration, sadness and bewilderment inflected in her every word. The conversation went on longer and we shared questions and observations in our quest to understanding this very important issue.
As I listened to my colleague express her views and feelings regarding the realities of the modern male/female relationship -- and how so many women are impacted by the dysfunctions of today’s male perspective -- I gained a clearer understanding of why so many women are hard to reach at a deep emotional level, and unwilling to believe (and KNOW) the man they have is indeed a good man. (Please understand: This is not an attack but an acknowledgment). My colleague and I happened upon this conversation while breaking on a film shoot this week. I was impressed by her willingness to discuss this matter and her many questions on why things are so bad for so many.
I acknowledge the fact so many in the community have reduced their senses of loyalty, commitment, integrity, and regard for a strong, loving relationship to nothing more than self-serving rhetoric with no real understanding of what and how to commit. I have discussed this subject with a variety of different people, both men and women, and have come to see we have simply lost our focus on what is really important to maintaining a sustainable and vibrant relationship. I think back on the many senior couples that have survived together for decade after decade, and how (without either one of the pair saying a word) any observer would know these two love, respect, and care greatly for one another. I wonder if they had to deal with the same challenges we have in today’s world… alas, I think not.
While times have changed, while challenges have changed, while cultures have changed, I think the core of the individual has not changed. I would even venture to say it can not change. I say this because we are beings who react to our surroundings and the way in which we regard them. We have an ingrained sense of self-preservation that kicks in each time we feel threatened. Our minds go into analytical overdrive when we are faced with a situation or circumstance we perceive as counter to our desired reality. We surround ourselves with an impenetrable emotional barrier each and every time we feel a challenge is made to how we have come to express our individuality. We rationalize there’s only one way to regard the situation – my way – and anyone who challenges me is wrong. They are then cut off and placed in the “do not touch” bucket.
If an individual is not emotionally/spiritually/intelligently free of their past hardships, if the individual carries the mantle of past misdeeds and experiences into present day, then they will continue to live in the past. This is a past that holds greater power over the present – even more so than the present moment itself. How many continue to allow past bad experiences to cloud their judgment, causing them to react in ways that are counterproductive to building a strong and lasting relationship?
For sure there is that group of men that women run into from time-to-time who are clueless and not worthy of the effort required to have a loving, thriving relationship. When a woman begins to get to know them she soon to discovers they are not quite ready to live without adult supervision, much less develop a relationship with. These are the men mature women steer away from.
But that’s only one side of the coin. What about all the men out there who long for a lasting and committed relationship, who come into a new relationship ready for something far more than what they have come from, but who end up having to deal with the ghosts of past events in their present relationship, that are not their doing? What is the impact on these men? And what can be done to prevent the – sometimes subtle but most times loud and surprising – impact these negative harmonics have in the relationship?
I’m reminded of something I read in the book: In the Meantime written by Iyanla Vanzant. The very preface of this book encapsulates part of this discussion. It talks about perceptions, expectations, self-love and conditional love. It helps the reader (male and female, I should stress) better understand how important it is to recognize real love when it appears. It challenges and guides the reader to acknowledge their role in giving and receive a truer, more fulfilling love. Unconditional love. The kind of love that gives fully for the purpose of giving, and accepts the individual for whom he/she is – without a detailed line item inventory of what they ought to have or should be like. It is the kind of love that says we are here and in this together and regardless of what we might ever face, we will face it together.
Men need to know their women believe in them. They need to know they are respected, appreciated, admired, and supported by their partner. They need to feel they are not alone in their efforts to build a life and future for themselves and their loved ones. They need to know they will not be “penalized” when things don’t go well or because they happen to say or do something that reminds their partner of something from the past. And they need to be acknowledged for who they are and what they have/will accomplish in life without having to defend themselves or their life situation to their partner. And it would be good if this acknowledgment would come before the prize is won, not after, because men need to know their women are right there with them from the beginning.
My colleague has shed light on some of the real concerns held by many of her sisters and I respect that. She did well in opening my mind to this dialog and I appreciate her for that. Our community continues to grapple with overcoming years of hurt, betrayal, fear, manipulation, etc., and we are all forced to deal with the consequences of these acts. Women and Men alike stand scratching their heads in an attempt to discover how we can develop and maintain a healthy, happy and harmonious relationship. Many come to the table with a smile on their face and a pocket full of past hurts just waiting to explode, and that are guaranteed to corrupt the delicate relationship that could be. Instead of putting aside our pre-thought-out, pre-judged, pre-happiness notions of what it means to have a lasting relationship many rather puff their chests out and brag on how the relationship didn’t work because that other party didn’t meet their needs/expectations.
And Love… what of that?
Well, it’s my belief that anytime our love for a person is directly linked to whether that person can meet our needs, or some present expectation, then we’re not serious about doing the work to get the very thing we want. We’re only giving the notion of happiness and love a little thought and a lot of rhetoric.
You see, the only way to GET the love you want is to GIVE that love to your partner. Life and love is not a game of bargains because we hurt ourselves when we fail to give what is required to get what we desire. There is no game-master to dole out happiness to all who say they want it. The Universe gives that which we ask for when we do our parts in securing it.
Conditional love and failure are joined at the hip.
As I listened to my colleague express her views and feelings regarding the realities of the modern male/female relationship -- and how so many women are impacted by the dysfunctions of today’s male perspective -- I gained a clearer understanding of why so many women are hard to reach at a deep emotional level, and unwilling to believe (and KNOW) the man they have is indeed a good man. (Please understand: This is not an attack but an acknowledgment). My colleague and I happened upon this conversation while breaking on a film shoot this week. I was impressed by her willingness to discuss this matter and her many questions on why things are so bad for so many.
I acknowledge the fact so many in the community have reduced their senses of loyalty, commitment, integrity, and regard for a strong, loving relationship to nothing more than self-serving rhetoric with no real understanding of what and how to commit. I have discussed this subject with a variety of different people, both men and women, and have come to see we have simply lost our focus on what is really important to maintaining a sustainable and vibrant relationship. I think back on the many senior couples that have survived together for decade after decade, and how (without either one of the pair saying a word) any observer would know these two love, respect, and care greatly for one another. I wonder if they had to deal with the same challenges we have in today’s world… alas, I think not.
While times have changed, while challenges have changed, while cultures have changed, I think the core of the individual has not changed. I would even venture to say it can not change. I say this because we are beings who react to our surroundings and the way in which we regard them. We have an ingrained sense of self-preservation that kicks in each time we feel threatened. Our minds go into analytical overdrive when we are faced with a situation or circumstance we perceive as counter to our desired reality. We surround ourselves with an impenetrable emotional barrier each and every time we feel a challenge is made to how we have come to express our individuality. We rationalize there’s only one way to regard the situation – my way – and anyone who challenges me is wrong. They are then cut off and placed in the “do not touch” bucket.
If an individual is not emotionally/spiritually/intelligently free of their past hardships, if the individual carries the mantle of past misdeeds and experiences into present day, then they will continue to live in the past. This is a past that holds greater power over the present – even more so than the present moment itself. How many continue to allow past bad experiences to cloud their judgment, causing them to react in ways that are counterproductive to building a strong and lasting relationship?
For sure there is that group of men that women run into from time-to-time who are clueless and not worthy of the effort required to have a loving, thriving relationship. When a woman begins to get to know them she soon to discovers they are not quite ready to live without adult supervision, much less develop a relationship with. These are the men mature women steer away from.
But that’s only one side of the coin. What about all the men out there who long for a lasting and committed relationship, who come into a new relationship ready for something far more than what they have come from, but who end up having to deal with the ghosts of past events in their present relationship, that are not their doing? What is the impact on these men? And what can be done to prevent the – sometimes subtle but most times loud and surprising – impact these negative harmonics have in the relationship?
I’m reminded of something I read in the book: In the Meantime written by Iyanla Vanzant. The very preface of this book encapsulates part of this discussion. It talks about perceptions, expectations, self-love and conditional love. It helps the reader (male and female, I should stress) better understand how important it is to recognize real love when it appears. It challenges and guides the reader to acknowledge their role in giving and receive a truer, more fulfilling love. Unconditional love. The kind of love that gives fully for the purpose of giving, and accepts the individual for whom he/she is – without a detailed line item inventory of what they ought to have or should be like. It is the kind of love that says we are here and in this together and regardless of what we might ever face, we will face it together.
Men need to know their women believe in them. They need to know they are respected, appreciated, admired, and supported by their partner. They need to feel they are not alone in their efforts to build a life and future for themselves and their loved ones. They need to know they will not be “penalized” when things don’t go well or because they happen to say or do something that reminds their partner of something from the past. And they need to be acknowledged for who they are and what they have/will accomplish in life without having to defend themselves or their life situation to their partner. And it would be good if this acknowledgment would come before the prize is won, not after, because men need to know their women are right there with them from the beginning.
My colleague has shed light on some of the real concerns held by many of her sisters and I respect that. She did well in opening my mind to this dialog and I appreciate her for that. Our community continues to grapple with overcoming years of hurt, betrayal, fear, manipulation, etc., and we are all forced to deal with the consequences of these acts. Women and Men alike stand scratching their heads in an attempt to discover how we can develop and maintain a healthy, happy and harmonious relationship. Many come to the table with a smile on their face and a pocket full of past hurts just waiting to explode, and that are guaranteed to corrupt the delicate relationship that could be. Instead of putting aside our pre-thought-out, pre-judged, pre-happiness notions of what it means to have a lasting relationship many rather puff their chests out and brag on how the relationship didn’t work because that other party didn’t meet their needs/expectations.
And Love… what of that?
Well, it’s my belief that anytime our love for a person is directly linked to whether that person can meet our needs, or some present expectation, then we’re not serious about doing the work to get the very thing we want. We’re only giving the notion of happiness and love a little thought and a lot of rhetoric.
You see, the only way to GET the love you want is to GIVE that love to your partner. Life and love is not a game of bargains because we hurt ourselves when we fail to give what is required to get what we desire. There is no game-master to dole out happiness to all who say they want it. The Universe gives that which we ask for when we do our parts in securing it.
Conditional love and failure are joined at the hip.
No. 45 - A Son Cries Silently
He goes about his day pumped with bravado and hormones. He is first to acknowledge his coming of age… to represent his coming into manhood. He is first to brush his fingers proudly across his newly appeared mustache… first to let you know he can’t wait ‘til he gets his first car because that’s gonna be it for him. And you look at him, standing there -- all of 14 years old, and you try to figure out how his views of self and the world has shifted so quickly.
You’ve put so much of your time into helping him to grow to this point yet for some reason unknown to you there’s a palpable wall of resistance between you. You tell him that you’re only doing what’s best for him and you want him to become the best person he can. He looks at you… “I got this, all that can wait, I know what I’m doing”, he says, “Just let me handle this”. And then he goes into a discussion around why he thinks it’s okay to play video games all day, or why there’s always a good reason to be late for class.
You look at him wondering whom in the world this young human male is. For sure, this isn’t the same child you gave birth to. Your mind races as you ponder when was it that he fell and bumped his head… and how many more bumps on his head will it take for him to come to his senses.
This scene plays out everywhere as Mothers and Sons are coming to terms with their changing relationship during the Sons journey through puberty. For him everyday is a day of newfound discovery. It is a time of competing inner needs – the need to be comforted and nurtured by the Mother that has always been there for him, and the need to break away from the nest to boldly stare into the face of manhood. The Mother, immersed in her historic approach to caring for this beloved child, surveys the situation with a profound perplexity that challenges her very memories of “the way things used to be”.
Who is this child? What is going on within him that causes such a hysterical shift in the stable interaction that once was?
It is a question well worth asking because is smacks at the very core of the issue. It requires a detailed examination of all the variables that make up the world and realities of our youth. Most importantly, if cause us to wonder what role a Father might have played in helping this boy child become a Man.
Sometimes, as I talk to youth to better understand how they view and experience the world they (we all) live in, I can see in their eyes a certain disconnect. I can pick up in their voices a certain longing – a certain neediness – for something they themselves cannot comprehend. And well they should not. After all, how can one expect a young child to understand what he is missing when he has had very little – or no – real expose to that which he is in need of.
It is interesting to me to hear so many of our male youth talk about their need for real leadership. Many have been brave enough to openly acknowledge they want to feel hope in their lives. Many have lived most of their lives without the benefit of a loving and caring Father and have come to perceive the role of the Father as being absent in the lives of his children. And so, years of thinking these divisive thought pass and, with each passing year, the divide increases. Sooner or later he can no longer see the other side of the chasm, the young boy only feels a faint itching of awareness that somewhere out there is a Father who should be, but isn’t in his life.
So he becomes, in his mind, the Man he has come to understand he needs to be. He takes on the mantle of manliness and steps up to the plate. He puts all of his boyish wishes aside. He buries his every hope and longing to have that Father – his Father – in his life. He cuts his hurt, anger, frustration, fear, and sadness around the matter away from his emotional core. And he stands there, now embracing this new self, a front of confidence, wisdom, and determination, as he battles the hurt that darkens his inner being.
In the loneliness of his room, in the darkness of night, during times of physical hurt, A Son Cries Silently.
We try to understand what happens in the minds of our young men as they struggle to cope with the losses in their lives for, yes, – ‘tis true – the absence of a Father in the lives of our young men is indeed a loss. We try to make sense of their understanding of the changes that occur as they reach yearningly towards adulthood – the pitfalls of life subtly, maliciously licking at their feet. We try to rationalize an understanding of their experience but are stymied by our forgotten memories of our own youth.
Mothers, a heart filled with care and nurturing, do their all to meet the needs of our young men. They struggle to cope with the burgeoning male figure that rages within our young men, wanting to find the path to manhood.
Fathers are needed.
Fathers are vital at this juncture in growth and development because they must lead our young men into manhood. They must help our youth understand the challenges, temptations, pitfalls, values and responsibilities that come with being a Man.
It would be so easy to allow our communities to continue along the path we have embarked upon… so easy to sit by in idle observation as our young men run hither and yon in their quest to find their way. And it would be so easy for Men to scratch our heads in wonderment or point the finger at the Mothers of our future men…
But one must look at the scales that measure what we now have and what we can have. One must take the time to look at our Sons in a new light... a light that inspires us to know that when A Son Cries Silently… he will not cry alone.
You’ve put so much of your time into helping him to grow to this point yet for some reason unknown to you there’s a palpable wall of resistance between you. You tell him that you’re only doing what’s best for him and you want him to become the best person he can. He looks at you… “I got this, all that can wait, I know what I’m doing”, he says, “Just let me handle this”. And then he goes into a discussion around why he thinks it’s okay to play video games all day, or why there’s always a good reason to be late for class.
You look at him wondering whom in the world this young human male is. For sure, this isn’t the same child you gave birth to. Your mind races as you ponder when was it that he fell and bumped his head… and how many more bumps on his head will it take for him to come to his senses.
This scene plays out everywhere as Mothers and Sons are coming to terms with their changing relationship during the Sons journey through puberty. For him everyday is a day of newfound discovery. It is a time of competing inner needs – the need to be comforted and nurtured by the Mother that has always been there for him, and the need to break away from the nest to boldly stare into the face of manhood. The Mother, immersed in her historic approach to caring for this beloved child, surveys the situation with a profound perplexity that challenges her very memories of “the way things used to be”.
Who is this child? What is going on within him that causes such a hysterical shift in the stable interaction that once was?
It is a question well worth asking because is smacks at the very core of the issue. It requires a detailed examination of all the variables that make up the world and realities of our youth. Most importantly, if cause us to wonder what role a Father might have played in helping this boy child become a Man.
Sometimes, as I talk to youth to better understand how they view and experience the world they (we all) live in, I can see in their eyes a certain disconnect. I can pick up in their voices a certain longing – a certain neediness – for something they themselves cannot comprehend. And well they should not. After all, how can one expect a young child to understand what he is missing when he has had very little – or no – real expose to that which he is in need of.
It is interesting to me to hear so many of our male youth talk about their need for real leadership. Many have been brave enough to openly acknowledge they want to feel hope in their lives. Many have lived most of their lives without the benefit of a loving and caring Father and have come to perceive the role of the Father as being absent in the lives of his children. And so, years of thinking these divisive thought pass and, with each passing year, the divide increases. Sooner or later he can no longer see the other side of the chasm, the young boy only feels a faint itching of awareness that somewhere out there is a Father who should be, but isn’t in his life.
So he becomes, in his mind, the Man he has come to understand he needs to be. He takes on the mantle of manliness and steps up to the plate. He puts all of his boyish wishes aside. He buries his every hope and longing to have that Father – his Father – in his life. He cuts his hurt, anger, frustration, fear, and sadness around the matter away from his emotional core. And he stands there, now embracing this new self, a front of confidence, wisdom, and determination, as he battles the hurt that darkens his inner being.
In the loneliness of his room, in the darkness of night, during times of physical hurt, A Son Cries Silently.
We try to understand what happens in the minds of our young men as they struggle to cope with the losses in their lives for, yes, – ‘tis true – the absence of a Father in the lives of our young men is indeed a loss. We try to make sense of their understanding of the changes that occur as they reach yearningly towards adulthood – the pitfalls of life subtly, maliciously licking at their feet. We try to rationalize an understanding of their experience but are stymied by our forgotten memories of our own youth.
Mothers, a heart filled with care and nurturing, do their all to meet the needs of our young men. They struggle to cope with the burgeoning male figure that rages within our young men, wanting to find the path to manhood.
Fathers are needed.
Fathers are vital at this juncture in growth and development because they must lead our young men into manhood. They must help our youth understand the challenges, temptations, pitfalls, values and responsibilities that come with being a Man.
It would be so easy to allow our communities to continue along the path we have embarked upon… so easy to sit by in idle observation as our young men run hither and yon in their quest to find their way. And it would be so easy for Men to scratch our heads in wonderment or point the finger at the Mothers of our future men…
But one must look at the scales that measure what we now have and what we can have. One must take the time to look at our Sons in a new light... a light that inspires us to know that when A Son Cries Silently… he will not cry alone.
No. 44 - Where is the Little Girl Now?
Forty years ago she was born to a loving mother and father. Her birth signaled a celebration of life. It represented the manifestation of love and togetherness when two consenting adults join together in intimacy, and agree to live and love forever… “until death do us part”, as it is said. The room was filled with relief, great joy, and a chorus of well-wishers from times long gone… the ancestors rejoiced.
As she developed she was inspired to believe in all that is good and gentle and kind and giving in the world. Her innocence was complete, and she stared in wonderment at the butterflies as they softly floated upon the warm air. With a cheerful giggle she would skip happily after each beautiful insect in hopes of capturing it… if only for a moment to peer at its magnificent beauty. Her heart was filled to bursting, always willing to see the goodness in those she encountered.
But then things changed. Somehow those who were given to guide her to adulthood strayed the course and lost sight of their agreement. They got caught up in their own desire and self-interests. They reasoned things would be fine, even if/when they parted, for their love for this little girl was unmatched. And so, as the story has gone countless times in our recent history, the two parted ways. And while their goal was to share equally in the upbringing and nurturing of their innocent Little Girl, life made this impossible.
Years went by and the Little Girl had grown into a young lady. Her views of the world had become colored with feelings of hurt, pain, sacrifice, hardship, and feelings of betrayal that she was not quite aware of. The giggles that had once floated upon the air and made even the birds sing in joyous response could be heard no more. The once inviting Little Girl was hardening to a life of realities she could never have imagined. And while her parents tried to consistently give her that which she needed they were unable to do so, life having caught them in its torrents.
Now she’s a young adult, anxious to be free of the constraints and hardships that have characterized her life for as long as she could remember. The memories of her innocence are lost to her as she is now hardened against the threats of the day. The connection that was once so dear to her is long gone, a distant echo in the halls of time, and - oh so - far out of reach.
She goes about creating a life for herself with the intellectual tools she’s developed, only to meet with frustration, betrayal, and more hardship. The men she allows into her sacred trust are but physical replicas of a grown man’s build, but possess the emotional development and caring of a nine year old. So few… the good men, so rare the caring, nurturing type. So difficult to find the key that will unlock her closed heart and help her to recall the abundant joy of the Little Girl she once was.
Later in life she gets married, hoping to build a sustainable life with the one man who has come “close enough” to what she thinks she needs. Things go well … for a time … and then they don’t. Questions arise regarding behaviors and tendencies that seem unusual or irrational. Words of confusion, disdain, anger, even contempt past between the two. Faith, trust, the spirit of working together (while meager and uninformed in the beginning) are now ghosts. There is nothing left to hold onto.
She stands in the door one evening, tears running down her face as she watches his back. The few belongings he could grab are hastily thrust into the car, and he is off. She stands there, not knowing what to do next, not knowing where to turn next, not knowing how to empower herself to move beyond this moment. Yet she does.
She is forty now. Her mind is set regarding men, life, relationships. She lives alone. Never had any children – she had decided long ago she never wanted any. She has lost all connection to her family and is content with that. The muscles that formed the smile that once shown brighter than the sunlight are weakened, tending only to frown.
Many a night she lies in bed struggling to keep the tears at bay.
She has occupied her mind with her job, the local news, the few friends she still maintains. Her place is well kept, neat and orderly. Her bills are paid and she lives with all the trappings of success. She looks from her balcony at the lives that past beneath her, oblivious to their stories, only wondering where they are going.
One night she has a dream. A dream so profound and impactful she jerks awake, tears running down her cheek. She sits there, knees clutched against her breasts, shaking herself for comfort, trying to sort things out. Minutes past by yet the tears do not stop. “What is going on?” she wonders… and the tears keep falling.
She gets up and goes to her balcony in these, the wee hours of the morning. The tears have finally ended even as her Spirit is now stirring into awareness.
And then the dream comes clear into her mind.
She saw an innocent Little Girl, a life filled with happiness and wonderment, standing in the midst of a beautiful butterfly field. Skipping and humming as they do, the Little Girl enjoyed a completeness so many have forgotten. But then the Little Girl stops and looks ahead, her eyes widening, as she can no longer move. Two hands grab her and shake her furiously, scattering the butterflies and flowers. She tries to scream but finds she cannot… no words escape her lips. And when the shaking stops she finds herself lost in a barren and unforgiving land, nothing as it once was. Every step she takes is fraught with danger and unknowing, and soon she wanders about in utter dismay, clothes tattered, head bent, a tremendous longing for the security and comforts of the past. The Little Girl stops and looks up.
And the lady who was dreaming sees her reflection mirrored back.
And she begins to cry again.
Post Script:
I am writing this one because I believe we are hurting our children in ways that can impact them for the rest of their lives, and we all need to think about that, talk about that, and then do something about that.
Also, the next time a man gets upset at a woman for acting in ways that seem strange to him, he should ask himself a question: Where is the Little Girl Now?
The answer will be: Right in front of you.
As she developed she was inspired to believe in all that is good and gentle and kind and giving in the world. Her innocence was complete, and she stared in wonderment at the butterflies as they softly floated upon the warm air. With a cheerful giggle she would skip happily after each beautiful insect in hopes of capturing it… if only for a moment to peer at its magnificent beauty. Her heart was filled to bursting, always willing to see the goodness in those she encountered.
But then things changed. Somehow those who were given to guide her to adulthood strayed the course and lost sight of their agreement. They got caught up in their own desire and self-interests. They reasoned things would be fine, even if/when they parted, for their love for this little girl was unmatched. And so, as the story has gone countless times in our recent history, the two parted ways. And while their goal was to share equally in the upbringing and nurturing of their innocent Little Girl, life made this impossible.
Years went by and the Little Girl had grown into a young lady. Her views of the world had become colored with feelings of hurt, pain, sacrifice, hardship, and feelings of betrayal that she was not quite aware of. The giggles that had once floated upon the air and made even the birds sing in joyous response could be heard no more. The once inviting Little Girl was hardening to a life of realities she could never have imagined. And while her parents tried to consistently give her that which she needed they were unable to do so, life having caught them in its torrents.
Now she’s a young adult, anxious to be free of the constraints and hardships that have characterized her life for as long as she could remember. The memories of her innocence are lost to her as she is now hardened against the threats of the day. The connection that was once so dear to her is long gone, a distant echo in the halls of time, and - oh so - far out of reach.
She goes about creating a life for herself with the intellectual tools she’s developed, only to meet with frustration, betrayal, and more hardship. The men she allows into her sacred trust are but physical replicas of a grown man’s build, but possess the emotional development and caring of a nine year old. So few… the good men, so rare the caring, nurturing type. So difficult to find the key that will unlock her closed heart and help her to recall the abundant joy of the Little Girl she once was.
Later in life she gets married, hoping to build a sustainable life with the one man who has come “close enough” to what she thinks she needs. Things go well … for a time … and then they don’t. Questions arise regarding behaviors and tendencies that seem unusual or irrational. Words of confusion, disdain, anger, even contempt past between the two. Faith, trust, the spirit of working together (while meager and uninformed in the beginning) are now ghosts. There is nothing left to hold onto.
She stands in the door one evening, tears running down her face as she watches his back. The few belongings he could grab are hastily thrust into the car, and he is off. She stands there, not knowing what to do next, not knowing where to turn next, not knowing how to empower herself to move beyond this moment. Yet she does.
She is forty now. Her mind is set regarding men, life, relationships. She lives alone. Never had any children – she had decided long ago she never wanted any. She has lost all connection to her family and is content with that. The muscles that formed the smile that once shown brighter than the sunlight are weakened, tending only to frown.
Many a night she lies in bed struggling to keep the tears at bay.
She has occupied her mind with her job, the local news, the few friends she still maintains. Her place is well kept, neat and orderly. Her bills are paid and she lives with all the trappings of success. She looks from her balcony at the lives that past beneath her, oblivious to their stories, only wondering where they are going.
One night she has a dream. A dream so profound and impactful she jerks awake, tears running down her cheek. She sits there, knees clutched against her breasts, shaking herself for comfort, trying to sort things out. Minutes past by yet the tears do not stop. “What is going on?” she wonders… and the tears keep falling.
She gets up and goes to her balcony in these, the wee hours of the morning. The tears have finally ended even as her Spirit is now stirring into awareness.
And then the dream comes clear into her mind.
She saw an innocent Little Girl, a life filled with happiness and wonderment, standing in the midst of a beautiful butterfly field. Skipping and humming as they do, the Little Girl enjoyed a completeness so many have forgotten. But then the Little Girl stops and looks ahead, her eyes widening, as she can no longer move. Two hands grab her and shake her furiously, scattering the butterflies and flowers. She tries to scream but finds she cannot… no words escape her lips. And when the shaking stops she finds herself lost in a barren and unforgiving land, nothing as it once was. Every step she takes is fraught with danger and unknowing, and soon she wanders about in utter dismay, clothes tattered, head bent, a tremendous longing for the security and comforts of the past. The Little Girl stops and looks up.
And the lady who was dreaming sees her reflection mirrored back.
And she begins to cry again.
Post Script:
I am writing this one because I believe we are hurting our children in ways that can impact them for the rest of their lives, and we all need to think about that, talk about that, and then do something about that.
Also, the next time a man gets upset at a woman for acting in ways that seem strange to him, he should ask himself a question: Where is the Little Girl Now?
The answer will be: Right in front of you.
No. 43 - Willie Lynches Intimacy
There is a story many have heard about a slave-breaker of old named Willie Lynch. According to the story (and his writings) around 1712 he was an expert at breaking the will and strength of Blacks that resisted the slave-mentality-orientation. His work and understanding of the process was so keen he prophesied that, using his tactics, there would be no need to worry about the strength of Blacks in future generations because they would fall victim to his techniques, and soon instigate the techniques on one another – keeping their very sense of strength, community, and individual growth at bay.
Almost three hundred years later, here in 2008, the question has to be asked: Was he right?
Each of us has had experiences within our community and with our fellow men (or women) that have been added to our catalog of thoughts and cultural memories. Each of us has been taught how to “be” within the context of relationships. And each of us has had experiences that have shaped the way we regard one another. I imagine these experiences/events/observations have added to our sense of perception around fellow Blacks, and have caused us to behave one way or another.
In considering the Willie Lynch writings I am compelled to believe he did indeed have a technique for effectively developing fear, mistrust, and even hatred within the Black slave community – not against the slave owner but, sadly, against the fellow slave. Even to the point where we are still – in the present day – attempting to grapple with some the residual adverse harmonics of a ruined sense of intimacy. Alas, the intimacy that made the African a great and thriving powerhouse was corrupted. The sanctity of the love and respect we held dear, and that was central to the success of our communities in years gone by, has eroded, and we are forced to struggle in our quest for a common and consistent level of intimacy between man and woman.
As I go about my business of engaging this world I live in I have taken a great interest in watching people as they go about their daily lives. I enjoy sitting at parks or elsewhere, a mere spectator, and taking in the interactions of others. While there is a lot of goodness and positive energy in our community, I fear we are facing an onslaught of greater sadness and negative energy. And I believe we must all start overcoming our individual biases, fears, and/or ideologies that have played into the goals to the Willie Lynch doctrine. Given the challenges and temperament of today’s world we have so much more to gain by addressing this then we do by staying the present course.
But what, specifically, am I talking about? It’s a very good question that deserves a clear and concise answer.
Intimacy is based upon an unwavering trust and faith in one’s partner. It requires a willingness to be understanding, to grow in ways we may not have ever imagined – or have previously determined we would not (in some cases), to be a friend without judgment or debasement, and to possess a genuine desire to open oneself to giving and receiving.
Wow..! That says a lot and, in truth, it requires a lot. All too often we go about the business of having a relationship without the benefit of true intimacy because we have allowed our circumstances to stifle the closeness that waits impatiently within us. Too many couples are grappling with their own desires to be right over an issue that only serves to divide the two, thereby weakening an otherwise stable foundation. And, in some cases, too many individuals would rather hold fast to their past experiences, applying those “lessons” in the present relationship, when there is no need to do so.
Many suffer from a kind of disassociated “shadow intimacy” without the real benefit of caring and sharing that comes from giving and receiving with openness. Some have forgotten how good it feels to give that part of self in a relationship. And still others have decided, out of a desire to “protect” themselves, to lock their ability to share in intimacy within the confines of their emotional fortress.
And what, can we imagine, is the outcome of such acts?
It would be easy to go into the various side-effects of these choices however I choose not to because I believe there is a greater perspective we should consider… one that overshadows the negative on every front, and one that leaves us with a greater willingness to move forward… and not remain stagnant.
We are a culture that requires interaction with those we allow in our lives. Our DNA is complete only when such is the case, and we have that special someone in our lives that we can share ourselves with. It is my belief that every good person deserves to share the abundant joys (and challenges) that await him or her while journeying upon the road of life, with their special someone.
The legacy of Willie Lynches Intimacy is a real thing in the Black community. We struggle to find common ground and shared joy on a daily bases at times, and we have a common longing for greater closeness in our relationships.
Yet we are not ever defeated. Within us remains the strength and wisdom to overcome the historic “programming” of how we should regard one another. And within us rests a power equal to all the great things we have overcome throughout history both individually and collectively. This power awaits our call to act on behalf of what is righteous and needed for our community…
Greater Intimacy.
Almost three hundred years later, here in 2008, the question has to be asked: Was he right?
Each of us has had experiences within our community and with our fellow men (or women) that have been added to our catalog of thoughts and cultural memories. Each of us has been taught how to “be” within the context of relationships. And each of us has had experiences that have shaped the way we regard one another. I imagine these experiences/events/observations have added to our sense of perception around fellow Blacks, and have caused us to behave one way or another.
In considering the Willie Lynch writings I am compelled to believe he did indeed have a technique for effectively developing fear, mistrust, and even hatred within the Black slave community – not against the slave owner but, sadly, against the fellow slave. Even to the point where we are still – in the present day – attempting to grapple with some the residual adverse harmonics of a ruined sense of intimacy. Alas, the intimacy that made the African a great and thriving powerhouse was corrupted. The sanctity of the love and respect we held dear, and that was central to the success of our communities in years gone by, has eroded, and we are forced to struggle in our quest for a common and consistent level of intimacy between man and woman.
As I go about my business of engaging this world I live in I have taken a great interest in watching people as they go about their daily lives. I enjoy sitting at parks or elsewhere, a mere spectator, and taking in the interactions of others. While there is a lot of goodness and positive energy in our community, I fear we are facing an onslaught of greater sadness and negative energy. And I believe we must all start overcoming our individual biases, fears, and/or ideologies that have played into the goals to the Willie Lynch doctrine. Given the challenges and temperament of today’s world we have so much more to gain by addressing this then we do by staying the present course.
But what, specifically, am I talking about? It’s a very good question that deserves a clear and concise answer.
Intimacy is based upon an unwavering trust and faith in one’s partner. It requires a willingness to be understanding, to grow in ways we may not have ever imagined – or have previously determined we would not (in some cases), to be a friend without judgment or debasement, and to possess a genuine desire to open oneself to giving and receiving.
Wow..! That says a lot and, in truth, it requires a lot. All too often we go about the business of having a relationship without the benefit of true intimacy because we have allowed our circumstances to stifle the closeness that waits impatiently within us. Too many couples are grappling with their own desires to be right over an issue that only serves to divide the two, thereby weakening an otherwise stable foundation. And, in some cases, too many individuals would rather hold fast to their past experiences, applying those “lessons” in the present relationship, when there is no need to do so.
Many suffer from a kind of disassociated “shadow intimacy” without the real benefit of caring and sharing that comes from giving and receiving with openness. Some have forgotten how good it feels to give that part of self in a relationship. And still others have decided, out of a desire to “protect” themselves, to lock their ability to share in intimacy within the confines of their emotional fortress.
And what, can we imagine, is the outcome of such acts?
It would be easy to go into the various side-effects of these choices however I choose not to because I believe there is a greater perspective we should consider… one that overshadows the negative on every front, and one that leaves us with a greater willingness to move forward… and not remain stagnant.
We are a culture that requires interaction with those we allow in our lives. Our DNA is complete only when such is the case, and we have that special someone in our lives that we can share ourselves with. It is my belief that every good person deserves to share the abundant joys (and challenges) that await him or her while journeying upon the road of life, with their special someone.
The legacy of Willie Lynches Intimacy is a real thing in the Black community. We struggle to find common ground and shared joy on a daily bases at times, and we have a common longing for greater closeness in our relationships.
Yet we are not ever defeated. Within us remains the strength and wisdom to overcome the historic “programming” of how we should regard one another. And within us rests a power equal to all the great things we have overcome throughout history both individually and collectively. This power awaits our call to act on behalf of what is righteous and needed for our community…
Greater Intimacy.
No. 41 - We Think in Memories
One has to admit there is a mystery we all must acknowledge when it comes to our thoughts and how they impact us. Scientists, psychologists, psychiatrist and myriad others have done so much work in an attempt to understand how the mind works, and how we are influenced our minds. Yet still many are confounded by how our thoughts control – even dictate - so much of who we are.
So I wanted to spend a bit of time thinking of thinking… yes, I said that right… thinking of thinking… just to “see” where my thoughts would lead me. It was a marvelous treat, indeed, to have this experience as I sat upon my balcony in contemplation.
Here’s something to consider: Take just a moment and go back to your fondest memory. Go back to that special memory that always brings a smile to your face and that has consistently delivered you from sadness, worry or despair… the one that might be shared by you alone or by you and someone near and dear to you. As you bring this memory to the forefront of your conscientiousness allow yourself to recall the emotions that are associated with the memory. Remember the laughter, the joy, the bliss, the erotic intimacy, the excitement, or whatever it is about this memory that makes it meaningful and relevant in your life.
In conducting this exercise you have just confirmed the very title of this dispatch. You have demonstrated in a very real way how thinking is based upon our memories and these memories are recollections of our past experiences that continue to resonate within us. And with these memories come the recollection of the great emotions that were experienced when these memories originated. One other thing has occurred in this exercise that we should pay more attention to because it is of the greatest value to us as individuals experiencing life: by recalling this great memory we are each able to influence our mood in a very direct and tangible way.
It is amazing to me to know how one can so easily bring about a strong emotional change simply by calling to mind a past memory. It is of monumental consequence that we have that level of control over our very experiences in life at any given time. It is so very comforting to know I have direct control over my emotional well-being.
Now let’s take this theme a bit further… into the future, if you please…
Imagine what would happen if we could each control the frequency of creation of our more happy and inviting memories. Imagine how we could shape a greater sense of self-harmony if we would but choose to find reason to smile at every challenge we face. And imagine how good we would feel at all times if we could harness the power of good memories and make it our daily goal to find reason to smile. We all can… we all just did.
It is my opinion that we are each responsible for creating meaningful and lasting positive memories from which to draw comfort and inspiration in our times of need. I have long felt it the duty and responsibility of parents to create lasting good memories for our children. And my experiences have taught me the only thing no one can ever take away from an individual is his/her memories. It is based upon these perspectives that I’ve been able to laugh when there was reason to cry… to stay my course when everyone has said to change paths… and to stay focused on my goals when so many distractions have been thrown in my path.
So as I continue to gain ground on achieving my most immediate goals I am compelled by the many great memories I hold dear to always find reason to smile and to always know there is reason to give thanks. It is a way of thinking that has proven to be a key contributor to how I go about approaching everyone I meet. And knowing that I have the capacity to create great memories every step of the way encourages me to investigate every challenge I face for the hidden jewels I know are hidden therein.
One other thing we can consider is the role our memories play in shaping how we regard and experience one another. From the perspective of the community we are collectively enjoying fewer opportunities to create and appreciate great memories. Therefore, we have fewer reasons to associate great memories with coming together to experience one another. We have come to accept our broken sense of connectedness and community as the norm. And as we tackle the challenges of life we have less time with each passing year to come together as we did many years ago.
But what would happen if we were to actively choose to come together in celebration of our families, communities, and cultures? What kind of impact would this have on our society?
Well, we would restore a greater sense of community Spirit and individual recognition. We would begin to connect on a deeper level to our Brothers and Sisters who are our neighbors. We would start the process of creating more enriching, meaningful, and valued memories with everyone we share ourselves with.
And when we are facing the many challenges that continue to plague our communities we would have a greater number of wonderfully delightful thoughts to keep us company because we will know there is always reason to smile.
So I wanted to spend a bit of time thinking of thinking… yes, I said that right… thinking of thinking… just to “see” where my thoughts would lead me. It was a marvelous treat, indeed, to have this experience as I sat upon my balcony in contemplation.
Here’s something to consider: Take just a moment and go back to your fondest memory. Go back to that special memory that always brings a smile to your face and that has consistently delivered you from sadness, worry or despair… the one that might be shared by you alone or by you and someone near and dear to you. As you bring this memory to the forefront of your conscientiousness allow yourself to recall the emotions that are associated with the memory. Remember the laughter, the joy, the bliss, the erotic intimacy, the excitement, or whatever it is about this memory that makes it meaningful and relevant in your life.
In conducting this exercise you have just confirmed the very title of this dispatch. You have demonstrated in a very real way how thinking is based upon our memories and these memories are recollections of our past experiences that continue to resonate within us. And with these memories come the recollection of the great emotions that were experienced when these memories originated. One other thing has occurred in this exercise that we should pay more attention to because it is of the greatest value to us as individuals experiencing life: by recalling this great memory we are each able to influence our mood in a very direct and tangible way.
It is amazing to me to know how one can so easily bring about a strong emotional change simply by calling to mind a past memory. It is of monumental consequence that we have that level of control over our very experiences in life at any given time. It is so very comforting to know I have direct control over my emotional well-being.
Now let’s take this theme a bit further… into the future, if you please…
Imagine what would happen if we could each control the frequency of creation of our more happy and inviting memories. Imagine how we could shape a greater sense of self-harmony if we would but choose to find reason to smile at every challenge we face. And imagine how good we would feel at all times if we could harness the power of good memories and make it our daily goal to find reason to smile. We all can… we all just did.
It is my opinion that we are each responsible for creating meaningful and lasting positive memories from which to draw comfort and inspiration in our times of need. I have long felt it the duty and responsibility of parents to create lasting good memories for our children. And my experiences have taught me the only thing no one can ever take away from an individual is his/her memories. It is based upon these perspectives that I’ve been able to laugh when there was reason to cry… to stay my course when everyone has said to change paths… and to stay focused on my goals when so many distractions have been thrown in my path.
So as I continue to gain ground on achieving my most immediate goals I am compelled by the many great memories I hold dear to always find reason to smile and to always know there is reason to give thanks. It is a way of thinking that has proven to be a key contributor to how I go about approaching everyone I meet. And knowing that I have the capacity to create great memories every step of the way encourages me to investigate every challenge I face for the hidden jewels I know are hidden therein.
One other thing we can consider is the role our memories play in shaping how we regard and experience one another. From the perspective of the community we are collectively enjoying fewer opportunities to create and appreciate great memories. Therefore, we have fewer reasons to associate great memories with coming together to experience one another. We have come to accept our broken sense of connectedness and community as the norm. And as we tackle the challenges of life we have less time with each passing year to come together as we did many years ago.
But what would happen if we were to actively choose to come together in celebration of our families, communities, and cultures? What kind of impact would this have on our society?
Well, we would restore a greater sense of community Spirit and individual recognition. We would begin to connect on a deeper level to our Brothers and Sisters who are our neighbors. We would start the process of creating more enriching, meaningful, and valued memories with everyone we share ourselves with.
And when we are facing the many challenges that continue to plague our communities we would have a greater number of wonderfully delightful thoughts to keep us company because we will know there is always reason to smile.
No. 40 - Why he did what he did…
I was sharing in conversation with my special lady, and as we talked the conversation took us down an intriguing path. We went from talking about jobs, to asking about co-workers, to the happenings at the office. It was there that the subject of this article was seeded in my mind. When we got to the point where we talked about the happenings at work, I learned that a group of lady friends had gotten together to chat, and they ended up talking about men - imagine that.
What’s more, I was told, during the conversation it was held as a prevailing feeling with many women that most (if not all) men cheat.
Oh, do we, I thought. That would include all the Men I know who understand what it means to commit and who have been faithful to their mates from day one. In truth, most guys would take offense to learning that - at least - some women regard men as such. But I like to think about things in a more comprehensive way… so I asked myself, why do the men I am aware of that cheat on their women do so?
So let’s examine that question… let’s pursue it and see what gems of possibility will be uncovered as we take the journey to greater insight.
It has been my observation that most men that cheat have a common theme of holding little, no, or a distorted regard for women. They have a certain “smugness” about how they demand to be treated and, when their demands go unmet, they find reason to go out and cheat.
How easy it would be if the answer to the question were so simple. Alas, I must admit… it is not the case – there’s something more, something deeper to consider.
The act of cheating can be broken down to an act of deliberate betrayal by one person on another, and it is a violation of a sacred trust and commitment to remain true to the person one has committed to. If we look at it from that angle then the question becomes what causes a Man – a Man in his fullness, I should stress – to betray the one he has avowed himself to? … And how is it that a Man can get to the point where he can so readily compromise his integrity and virtue, risking the loss of the very things he “loves” – his wife, family, home, peace?
I believe a Man in his fullness understands and values his commitments and knows how to overcome the temptations that so frequently tease at us. I believe a Man is the embodiment of every word that is expressed out of his mouth, and the action (or actions) he takes to represent or manifest his word. In other words, our reputation is established by how well we say what we mean, mean what we say, and do what we say we will do. It is that reputation - and our actions - that cause people in our lives to believe what we say and to form their opinion around men and fidelity.
If this interpretation of what it means to be a Man rings true for you, then the obvious conclusion we must draw is that men who cheat do not meet the criteria for what we understand it means to be a Man.
This is good news, in truth, because now we can approach the question in a way that can help in easily determining how to resolve it. You see, we are an ever-changing, ever-growing people, constantly in a state of flux. We are quite capable of accomplishing any and every goal we set. And we have the innate potential to grow towards something greater.
Keep in mind I us the word “we” because I am a Man and when considering this subject I must acknowledge I am part of the whole.
My thinking is that while there are so many adult males in our community, nowadays we are inundated with messages and stories that cause us to believe there are only a few good Men out there. Many are challenged to believe they (good Men) exist in greater numbers than what we might have been led to think.
And for the men who have fallen victim to temptation again and again, the challenge is to find a way to look within and value the prospect of personal development. Many have become complacent in their regard for the values that have sustained us throughout all of our social challenges. Many have allowed the many diverse distractions that challenge us all on a daily basis to undermine our sense of growth and development.
In considering how a woman might feel if she believes that all men cheat, I can imagine that living day-to-day with the haunting thought of the Man she loves cheating on her would wreak havoc on an otherwise peaceful experience. It could create an overwhelming sense of fear and distrust when engaging in relations, which could become a major challenge to maintaining her relationship. It could cause arguments and other frustrations in a relationship when there is only a perceived notion that there is infidelity in relationship. It is no wonder there is such distrust, mistrust, disharmony, and loneliness in the world.
I think the key to overcoming the notion held by some women that all men cheat is for men and women to engage in meaningful dialog around individual observations and perceptions to gain better understanding. I think Mothers and Fathers ought to become more cognizant of the mental perceptions held by their children and do their part in guiding these valued youth toward a healthier regard for one another. And I think it would be quite nice to see couples that might be grappling with such fears gain a better understanding of - and the ability to - work through the issues together.
I think the community as a whole would benefit from such a combined effort in gaining insight into why he did what he did…
What’s more, I was told, during the conversation it was held as a prevailing feeling with many women that most (if not all) men cheat.
Oh, do we, I thought. That would include all the Men I know who understand what it means to commit and who have been faithful to their mates from day one. In truth, most guys would take offense to learning that - at least - some women regard men as such. But I like to think about things in a more comprehensive way… so I asked myself, why do the men I am aware of that cheat on their women do so?
So let’s examine that question… let’s pursue it and see what gems of possibility will be uncovered as we take the journey to greater insight.
It has been my observation that most men that cheat have a common theme of holding little, no, or a distorted regard for women. They have a certain “smugness” about how they demand to be treated and, when their demands go unmet, they find reason to go out and cheat.
How easy it would be if the answer to the question were so simple. Alas, I must admit… it is not the case – there’s something more, something deeper to consider.
The act of cheating can be broken down to an act of deliberate betrayal by one person on another, and it is a violation of a sacred trust and commitment to remain true to the person one has committed to. If we look at it from that angle then the question becomes what causes a Man – a Man in his fullness, I should stress – to betray the one he has avowed himself to? … And how is it that a Man can get to the point where he can so readily compromise his integrity and virtue, risking the loss of the very things he “loves” – his wife, family, home, peace?
I believe a Man in his fullness understands and values his commitments and knows how to overcome the temptations that so frequently tease at us. I believe a Man is the embodiment of every word that is expressed out of his mouth, and the action (or actions) he takes to represent or manifest his word. In other words, our reputation is established by how well we say what we mean, mean what we say, and do what we say we will do. It is that reputation - and our actions - that cause people in our lives to believe what we say and to form their opinion around men and fidelity.
If this interpretation of what it means to be a Man rings true for you, then the obvious conclusion we must draw is that men who cheat do not meet the criteria for what we understand it means to be a Man.
This is good news, in truth, because now we can approach the question in a way that can help in easily determining how to resolve it. You see, we are an ever-changing, ever-growing people, constantly in a state of flux. We are quite capable of accomplishing any and every goal we set. And we have the innate potential to grow towards something greater.
Keep in mind I us the word “we” because I am a Man and when considering this subject I must acknowledge I am part of the whole.
My thinking is that while there are so many adult males in our community, nowadays we are inundated with messages and stories that cause us to believe there are only a few good Men out there. Many are challenged to believe they (good Men) exist in greater numbers than what we might have been led to think.
And for the men who have fallen victim to temptation again and again, the challenge is to find a way to look within and value the prospect of personal development. Many have become complacent in their regard for the values that have sustained us throughout all of our social challenges. Many have allowed the many diverse distractions that challenge us all on a daily basis to undermine our sense of growth and development.
In considering how a woman might feel if she believes that all men cheat, I can imagine that living day-to-day with the haunting thought of the Man she loves cheating on her would wreak havoc on an otherwise peaceful experience. It could create an overwhelming sense of fear and distrust when engaging in relations, which could become a major challenge to maintaining her relationship. It could cause arguments and other frustrations in a relationship when there is only a perceived notion that there is infidelity in relationship. It is no wonder there is such distrust, mistrust, disharmony, and loneliness in the world.
I think the key to overcoming the notion held by some women that all men cheat is for men and women to engage in meaningful dialog around individual observations and perceptions to gain better understanding. I think Mothers and Fathers ought to become more cognizant of the mental perceptions held by their children and do their part in guiding these valued youth toward a healthier regard for one another. And I think it would be quite nice to see couples that might be grappling with such fears gain a better understanding of - and the ability to - work through the issues together.
I think the community as a whole would benefit from such a combined effort in gaining insight into why he did what he did…
No. 39 - On Making Miracles
She sits there on the corner of Jackson and 14th in Oakland, offering to sell her wares to all who pass, and anyone who would glance her way. “Flea Market, flea market!” she calls out. “I got something you need.” You’ve heard the story before… some senior citizen who happens to live in your neighborhood and refuses to give up on the struggle to survive. Whether male or female, this valued neighbor exists as a reminder to all of how hard times can force even the most worthy of us to go out in faith, hoping their needs will be met – somehow, someway.
I call her Grandma – affectionately and respectfully. My natural Grandmother is no longer with me yet her Spirit exists nonetheless, its semblance made clear in the Grandmother to which I’m speaking. I am reminded to respect this kind Old Lady who walks the streets of my neighborhood.
We greet one another with a sense of familiarity and caring. I see her inventory of goods has increased since we last crossed paths. I approach her and respectfully slip her a bill. She looks at it and beams. “How’s business?” I ask. “Things been slow today… been real slow.” was her reply. “Well you take that and put it in a safe place…” I told her. She takes the bill from my hand and looks around cautiously, and then quickly stashes the money in a safe place.
“You have a nice day, Grandma… I’ll see you again soon.” I said as I walked away. “Okay… Grandma be right here.” she replied.
Heading down the street I reflect on the exchange and allow my thoughts to wander. What was it that drew me to this dear Old Lady who takes life head-on each day to make a living for herself? What stories could she share that could lead to a better life for others? And what of her family… where were they, where was she from, how come there seems to be no one close to care for her?
These thoughts lead me to thinking of how it must be to get up each day and face so many unknowns. They remind me of the daring, courage, will power, and faith it takes to have no one but the community one lives in to support oneself. I thought on this, as I frequently do, because I wanted to allow the thoughts to flow into some gem of revelation that might help me in my journey.
And so the gem of knowledge was made manifest…
Faith. The firm belief in something for which there is no proof… The intangible motivator for every great deed ever accomplished… The knowledge that a given need will be met when there is no logical reason to believe it will. Faith.
I imagine Grandma has a level of faith many can never imagine. There she goes, day-to-day, ever confident in her knowledge that her needs will be met and her goals will be attained. It is a testament to the value and lessons we can all learn from those who have gone before us, and who continue to demonstrate in very tangible ways the value and strength of ones beliefs.
Going back to the many lessons I’ve learned and the Biblical stories that still mesmerize so most of us, I’m reminded of the many miracles that so many experienced… and continue to experience to this day. I recall stories of the numerous prayers and how when one person - or another - was experiencing their greatest need some unexpected thing occurred and, lo and behold, their greatest need was met, or they were delivered to safety.
I can only imagine how Grandma prays fervently on a daily bases that her needs are met. I’m sure she prays for some act of kindness and relief from her daily challenges, and the strength to make it through another day.
For whatever reason I am drawn to this kind Old Lady. I have made it my point and goal to remember her in my prayers and to demonstrate my interest in her well being by putting my money where my mouth is. I have yielded to the Spirit as it moves within me and have answered its call to do what I can for this respected Senior Citizen.
I do not consider myself special or called to do anything more then that which I am called to do. I care about my community and the many wonderful people that live around me. I try to live my life according to the words I speak, and as a demonstration to all who observe.
So where does this lead and what conclusion may be drawn?
Quite simply I have come to understand that all too often we fail to see and appreciate the very answers to our prayers, or the miracles that come our way. All too often we are so concerned with what we don’t have or what we wish we had that we cannot recognize and appreciate that which we do have.
On Making Miracles, well, that’s the easy one…
You see, I believe that if we would but open our hearts a little, if we are willing to take time to respond to our calling - just enough to give something to someone with an obvious and genuine need - we open ourselves to be the deliverer of the Miracle that answers someone’s fervent prayer for help.
I call her Grandma – affectionately and respectfully. My natural Grandmother is no longer with me yet her Spirit exists nonetheless, its semblance made clear in the Grandmother to which I’m speaking. I am reminded to respect this kind Old Lady who walks the streets of my neighborhood.
We greet one another with a sense of familiarity and caring. I see her inventory of goods has increased since we last crossed paths. I approach her and respectfully slip her a bill. She looks at it and beams. “How’s business?” I ask. “Things been slow today… been real slow.” was her reply. “Well you take that and put it in a safe place…” I told her. She takes the bill from my hand and looks around cautiously, and then quickly stashes the money in a safe place.
“You have a nice day, Grandma… I’ll see you again soon.” I said as I walked away. “Okay… Grandma be right here.” she replied.
Heading down the street I reflect on the exchange and allow my thoughts to wander. What was it that drew me to this dear Old Lady who takes life head-on each day to make a living for herself? What stories could she share that could lead to a better life for others? And what of her family… where were they, where was she from, how come there seems to be no one close to care for her?
These thoughts lead me to thinking of how it must be to get up each day and face so many unknowns. They remind me of the daring, courage, will power, and faith it takes to have no one but the community one lives in to support oneself. I thought on this, as I frequently do, because I wanted to allow the thoughts to flow into some gem of revelation that might help me in my journey.
And so the gem of knowledge was made manifest…
Faith. The firm belief in something for which there is no proof… The intangible motivator for every great deed ever accomplished… The knowledge that a given need will be met when there is no logical reason to believe it will. Faith.
I imagine Grandma has a level of faith many can never imagine. There she goes, day-to-day, ever confident in her knowledge that her needs will be met and her goals will be attained. It is a testament to the value and lessons we can all learn from those who have gone before us, and who continue to demonstrate in very tangible ways the value and strength of ones beliefs.
Going back to the many lessons I’ve learned and the Biblical stories that still mesmerize so most of us, I’m reminded of the many miracles that so many experienced… and continue to experience to this day. I recall stories of the numerous prayers and how when one person - or another - was experiencing their greatest need some unexpected thing occurred and, lo and behold, their greatest need was met, or they were delivered to safety.
I can only imagine how Grandma prays fervently on a daily bases that her needs are met. I’m sure she prays for some act of kindness and relief from her daily challenges, and the strength to make it through another day.
For whatever reason I am drawn to this kind Old Lady. I have made it my point and goal to remember her in my prayers and to demonstrate my interest in her well being by putting my money where my mouth is. I have yielded to the Spirit as it moves within me and have answered its call to do what I can for this respected Senior Citizen.
I do not consider myself special or called to do anything more then that which I am called to do. I care about my community and the many wonderful people that live around me. I try to live my life according to the words I speak, and as a demonstration to all who observe.
So where does this lead and what conclusion may be drawn?
Quite simply I have come to understand that all too often we fail to see and appreciate the very answers to our prayers, or the miracles that come our way. All too often we are so concerned with what we don’t have or what we wish we had that we cannot recognize and appreciate that which we do have.
On Making Miracles, well, that’s the easy one…
You see, I believe that if we would but open our hearts a little, if we are willing to take time to respond to our calling - just enough to give something to someone with an obvious and genuine need - we open ourselves to be the deliverer of the Miracle that answers someone’s fervent prayer for help.
No. 38 - The Politician and the Preacher (Part 2)
I took the time to watch Senator Obama as he addressed the Country today regarding matters of ethnic disparity in America. For the last couple weeks there has been a raging storm around statements made on all sides around ethnicity. These statements have driven home the reality that there is a line that is still present in our society that separates one ethnicity from the other. The speech lasted 30 minutes and I was most impressed with him statements. He gets it.
I stopped to consider his words in my attempt to gauge his awareness of the issues that impact the Black community. Not only did he make clear his profound understanding of how we in America have reached the tipping point around addressing ethnic inequality in the Black community, he also did a splendid job in pointing out the impact ethnic preference and inequality has had on all Americans. He has remained consistent in his desire, will, and goal of helping us all to realize a greater America by overcoming our individual and collective biases.
My senses are sizzling. My emotions are peaked. My Spirit is working feverishly to escape the confines of my body in celebration of his clarification of the facts.
I must take some time to further internalize his message as I compare it to that of my own.
He gave Rev. Wright the respect he – and his Church – deserved. He spoke of the many good things the Reverend and the Church has done for our community. He spoke of his strong kinship to the Reverend and of how he cannot – and will not – disassociate himself from the Good Reverend. And he spoke of how we, as Black Americans, have been dealing with the anger, pain, and hurt of ethnic disharmony and biases since the inception of America.
Go Obama, go!
I must say it is a most humbling experience to know that Senator Obama does, indeed, understand the depths of our struggles and the tragic role racism (and I’ll use that word this one last time) has had on the American psychology.
We are living in an age where everything is possible and we have the power, via our vote, to finally take the next step towards realizing a greater existence for all American. To be alive during this time in American history, to see more and more of us rise up against the barriers to equality that ethnic divisiveness has imposed, to feel the power of the truth resonating throughout the community – it is all magnificent.
This will be a short one - I think I’ll spend some time enjoying this ecstasy that has overcome me - but I would like to encourage you to take 30 minutes of your time to hear and see for yourself. It will be time well spent and it will remind you of a greater calling that we can embrace and take a leadership role in defining a greater America. The link to the YouTube broadcast is here: http://my.barackobama.com/hisownwords
We are now called to make this history OUR history. We now have every reason to believe there is hope and we do have a true voice in American politics. We are called to demonstrate to the world that we are a people who can – and DO – support our Country, our Churches, our Communities, and our Right leaders.
It is my fervent prayer and hope that we all get the word out and rally our Brothers and Sisters around Senator Obama. We must become the shield that protects him from those who have tried everything short of murder to ruin his image and keep us divided.
And we must believe that, indeed, Yes We Can.
I stopped to consider his words in my attempt to gauge his awareness of the issues that impact the Black community. Not only did he make clear his profound understanding of how we in America have reached the tipping point around addressing ethnic inequality in the Black community, he also did a splendid job in pointing out the impact ethnic preference and inequality has had on all Americans. He has remained consistent in his desire, will, and goal of helping us all to realize a greater America by overcoming our individual and collective biases.
My senses are sizzling. My emotions are peaked. My Spirit is working feverishly to escape the confines of my body in celebration of his clarification of the facts.
I must take some time to further internalize his message as I compare it to that of my own.
He gave Rev. Wright the respect he – and his Church – deserved. He spoke of the many good things the Reverend and the Church has done for our community. He spoke of his strong kinship to the Reverend and of how he cannot – and will not – disassociate himself from the Good Reverend. And he spoke of how we, as Black Americans, have been dealing with the anger, pain, and hurt of ethnic disharmony and biases since the inception of America.
Go Obama, go!
I must say it is a most humbling experience to know that Senator Obama does, indeed, understand the depths of our struggles and the tragic role racism (and I’ll use that word this one last time) has had on the American psychology.
We are living in an age where everything is possible and we have the power, via our vote, to finally take the next step towards realizing a greater existence for all American. To be alive during this time in American history, to see more and more of us rise up against the barriers to equality that ethnic divisiveness has imposed, to feel the power of the truth resonating throughout the community – it is all magnificent.
This will be a short one - I think I’ll spend some time enjoying this ecstasy that has overcome me - but I would like to encourage you to take 30 minutes of your time to hear and see for yourself. It will be time well spent and it will remind you of a greater calling that we can embrace and take a leadership role in defining a greater America. The link to the YouTube broadcast is here: http://my.barackobama.com/hisownwords
We are now called to make this history OUR history. We now have every reason to believe there is hope and we do have a true voice in American politics. We are called to demonstrate to the world that we are a people who can – and DO – support our Country, our Churches, our Communities, and our Right leaders.
It is my fervent prayer and hope that we all get the word out and rally our Brothers and Sisters around Senator Obama. We must become the shield that protects him from those who have tried everything short of murder to ruin his image and keep us divided.
And we must believe that, indeed, Yes We Can.
No. 37 - The Politician and the Preacher
You may have guessed by now that I am a staunch supporter of Senator Barack Obama for President of the United States. You may have sensed I’m committed to doing my part to help him get into the White House. While these perceptions are true I am compelled to say while I do support the Good Senator, I am not blind in my support. After all, my allegiance is to my community and I call it like I see it. I respect you and I respect myself far too much to operate in any other way.
Recently the Good Senator has gotten caught up in a political move that, in my humble opinion, he should rethink. I listened to some of the verbiage spoken from the pulpit of his home church, and by his Pastor – the Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr. - and I have to tell you the Reverend spoke the truth. I did not hear anything inflammatory – other than the truth – that would require Senator Obama to step away from his long-time Pastor. I did not perceive any attack on Hillary.
I share in the sentiment that the United States is indeed headed down the wrong path because of the bush politics of pompous ideology and division. I know first hand that ethnic discrimination is alive and well in America, and that many people who have been blessed with a more fortunate life do not – and can not – fully appreciate the life and times of the common Black Man.
So what if the Good Reverend spoke truth to power. So what if some folk who would otherwise feel good about all the “great things” they’ve done for Black Americans are made to feel uncomfortable. So what if statements were made to illuminate a part of American reality that STILL exists. The fact this Reverend was willing to speak on the differences between the white experience and the Black in an effort to make clear Senator Obama’s reality ought to be embraced and applauded.
Stepping away from the Good Reverend simply for speaking the truth does not bode well for Senator Obama. It demonstrates his unwillingness to fully embrace a reality that is common to many, yet genuinely cared for by only a few “politicians”. It is a sad testament to how quickly one can become immersed in then political engine. Of course there are many well meaning and committed politicians… but we must be able to address the realities of a situation before we can effectively overcome said situation.
The absolute good news is we now have an opportunity to make Barack see this reality – or lose our complete support. If the Good Senator chooses to sidestep our concerns for the sake of political gain he is NO better than any other politician and we ought to fear him. Our very livelihood is at stake and if he is unwilling to acknowledge the stark contrast between how we are regarded as compared to how others are regarded then we are wasting our time voting for him, or believing in him. Hope is always delivered in the company of Truth.
America is divided along many different lines. Ethnicity is one that has been prominent since its inception. It was here when we were stolen from our ancestral homes; it was here when our families were torn asunder and we were forced to share our plates with swine during slavery; it was here when they hosed down our youth and threw our leaders into jail during the civil rights movement; and it is still here today in the vast number of Blacks who live in poverty, who are put into prison at rates far exceeding every other ethnicity, and who are finding it harder every passing day to do something as simple as getting food to eat.
This action between the Politician and the Preacher must be used to galvanize the Black faith community across the Country to reach into the every community and bring us all together in a United front, causing Senator Obama to reconsider his action… or step to the side while we chose another candidate. I, for one, do not want anyone in office that does not recognize our truth or acknowledge the systematic oppression of our communities.
I will fully support a movement with faith communities across the country and around the world to give Senator Obama an opportunity to reassess and CORRECT his decision to distance himself from the Church. If this movement becomes real, and Senator Obama refuses to change his commitment to our reality, then we need to figure out if Clinton or McCain will serve our interests, and put our effort into making them President.
This is not the time for a long-winded political response from Senator Obama… it is time for Barack to step up to our table and decide HIS political future because WE are the reason he has gotten so far… no one else. We can no longer afford to be afraid to step to the plate because there is no more food on the table… we are starving for leadership. We can no longer afford to believe we must accept ANY candidate for any other reason than they are going to work for us to make our lives better, and to neutralize the injustices made against us.
We are facing a future fraught with peril and uncertainty. We are facing an economy that is falling to the way side and no one knows what is to happen next. We are made to create lemonade from lemons daily while others are making money hand over fist or rationing out our water. The government has not demonstrated a genuine interest in serving the needs of Blacks at a scale necessary to rebuild our lost communities.
And therein lies the heart of the matter. Therein we have the reason why we must respond to this attack on our faith community with all due speed. Therein we see the impetus to act, and the abundant value of one simple truth:
No one will step to the plate to represent our will to have our needs met if WE are unwilling to do so ourselves.
Recently the Good Senator has gotten caught up in a political move that, in my humble opinion, he should rethink. I listened to some of the verbiage spoken from the pulpit of his home church, and by his Pastor – the Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr. - and I have to tell you the Reverend spoke the truth. I did not hear anything inflammatory – other than the truth – that would require Senator Obama to step away from his long-time Pastor. I did not perceive any attack on Hillary.
I share in the sentiment that the United States is indeed headed down the wrong path because of the bush politics of pompous ideology and division. I know first hand that ethnic discrimination is alive and well in America, and that many people who have been blessed with a more fortunate life do not – and can not – fully appreciate the life and times of the common Black Man.
So what if the Good Reverend spoke truth to power. So what if some folk who would otherwise feel good about all the “great things” they’ve done for Black Americans are made to feel uncomfortable. So what if statements were made to illuminate a part of American reality that STILL exists. The fact this Reverend was willing to speak on the differences between the white experience and the Black in an effort to make clear Senator Obama’s reality ought to be embraced and applauded.
Stepping away from the Good Reverend simply for speaking the truth does not bode well for Senator Obama. It demonstrates his unwillingness to fully embrace a reality that is common to many, yet genuinely cared for by only a few “politicians”. It is a sad testament to how quickly one can become immersed in then political engine. Of course there are many well meaning and committed politicians… but we must be able to address the realities of a situation before we can effectively overcome said situation.
The absolute good news is we now have an opportunity to make Barack see this reality – or lose our complete support. If the Good Senator chooses to sidestep our concerns for the sake of political gain he is NO better than any other politician and we ought to fear him. Our very livelihood is at stake and if he is unwilling to acknowledge the stark contrast between how we are regarded as compared to how others are regarded then we are wasting our time voting for him, or believing in him. Hope is always delivered in the company of Truth.
America is divided along many different lines. Ethnicity is one that has been prominent since its inception. It was here when we were stolen from our ancestral homes; it was here when our families were torn asunder and we were forced to share our plates with swine during slavery; it was here when they hosed down our youth and threw our leaders into jail during the civil rights movement; and it is still here today in the vast number of Blacks who live in poverty, who are put into prison at rates far exceeding every other ethnicity, and who are finding it harder every passing day to do something as simple as getting food to eat.
This action between the Politician and the Preacher must be used to galvanize the Black faith community across the Country to reach into the every community and bring us all together in a United front, causing Senator Obama to reconsider his action… or step to the side while we chose another candidate. I, for one, do not want anyone in office that does not recognize our truth or acknowledge the systematic oppression of our communities.
I will fully support a movement with faith communities across the country and around the world to give Senator Obama an opportunity to reassess and CORRECT his decision to distance himself from the Church. If this movement becomes real, and Senator Obama refuses to change his commitment to our reality, then we need to figure out if Clinton or McCain will serve our interests, and put our effort into making them President.
This is not the time for a long-winded political response from Senator Obama… it is time for Barack to step up to our table and decide HIS political future because WE are the reason he has gotten so far… no one else. We can no longer afford to be afraid to step to the plate because there is no more food on the table… we are starving for leadership. We can no longer afford to believe we must accept ANY candidate for any other reason than they are going to work for us to make our lives better, and to neutralize the injustices made against us.
We are facing a future fraught with peril and uncertainty. We are facing an economy that is falling to the way side and no one knows what is to happen next. We are made to create lemonade from lemons daily while others are making money hand over fist or rationing out our water. The government has not demonstrated a genuine interest in serving the needs of Blacks at a scale necessary to rebuild our lost communities.
And therein lies the heart of the matter. Therein we have the reason why we must respond to this attack on our faith community with all due speed. Therein we see the impetus to act, and the abundant value of one simple truth:
No one will step to the plate to represent our will to have our needs met if WE are unwilling to do so ourselves.
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