No. 73 - Stones

The young African couple walked pensively to the table and took a seat. As I watched them I noticed the man rarely held his head up. No matter how the young woman attempted to converse with him, his responses would be soft, unemotional, un-engaging. She seemed to be fully determined to get him to open up, yet her every attempt failed. But she remained steadfast.

I had come to the coffee shop with a Brother of mine to talk about our common challenges and to figure out next steps. We are both part of our extended male support group so this meeting, as with all of our meetings, was critical to helping to get through the tough times we all share.

The economy worsens all around and all too often we tend to think we are in this struggle alone. That said, it is always refreshing to hear others speak the same words of encouragement and hope we often think are ours alone.

I watched the two out the corner of my eye -- and sometimes without hiding -- and I have to say it was intriguing, at the least.

Try as she might he resisted being drawn into the conversation. I had the sense some part of him had given up. It soon became apparent there were many other things going on with this couple that caused his demeanor to be so closed to discourse, and somewhat disconnected from his mate.

“There is a stone in my heart...” she said... “and it’s weighing me down.”

He mumbled something I couldn’t make out. Whatever it was I could tell it presented a major challenge to her calm demeanor. She stood up.

“I’m going to get something to eat... you want something?” she asked.

He said, “No.”

She got up and went into the cafe. He remained behind, still looking down, still lost in thought, still holding his body in a way that demonstrated his feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, lack of safety.

My colleague and I talked some more. I wondered if he was picking up the same things I was. I wondered if he had listened in on the conversation as I had. And I wondered how much of this young couples conversation had been echoed in discussions we’ve all had in times gone by.

We both agreed all the answers to our challenges rest within us. We both understood there must be some way to develop the solutions to our challenges, even in the midst of the financial drought that is straining so many of us these days.

Our conversation went from securing contracts/work/jobs to the impact of modern reality on so many relationships, to what it means to be a husband and what men think it means to be a wife.

This friendship is very important to me. It is the kind that is anchored by truthful observations and personal insights. It is genuine and compelling, comforting and funny. It is all the things that lends to the ideal of friendship in its strongest form... it will survive.

She returned with the food and lovingly offered some to him. He dropped his cigarette and immediately went to eating.

“I feel like we are dying... like we are being pulled apart, and that you aren’t helping to make things easy.” she said.

“We’re not dying... it’s just a problem.”, he said.

“How can you say this when we don’t even act like we are married... you don’t even want my help.” was her response.

For the first time he looked up at her. I could see the love and caring, I could only imagine the torrent of emotions that raged inside him.

“I have a stone in my heart too.”, he said.

Then I understood what was happening. I understood they were both being weighed down by the challenges and struggles they were forced to endure. I understood his feeling of impending doom. And I could only guess at how deeply this must have affected him. For here he was, a stranger to this land -- no telling where or how he grew up, or in what form of community -- having to deal with things I may never comprehend. Here he was.

My colleague and I didn’t discuss this couple as we left. We focused on the task at hand and then we said our good-byes.

When I awakened this morning that couple was on my mind. I saw him sitting there, drawn tightly into himself, and her sitting there, determined to do her part. I sent out a prayer for them.

It is my belief this is a conversation many more couples, and families are having. The darkness that enshrouds the heart when we close ourselves to life can become all consuming. It can take us away from the happiness and comfort of those who are near and dear to us. It can weight us down, dropping us from the heights of love, caring, and compassion to the depths of despair, lonesomeness, and virtual insanity.

Sadly, it can be very contagious...

Those insidious stones.