There are times in our lives when we are so caught up in our thinking or feelings about something that we create an impenetrable shield around us, allowing no words or other viewpoints to influence us. Our inner center is so intimately attached to one view or the other that nothing and no one can cause us to acknowledge and give value to a different perspective. We find justification for our position and seek confirmation simply because we think our view is right, or better, or smarter... you get the picture.
It is when we are so deeply immersed in such thinking and emotional avarice that we lose site of whatever master plan or noble goal we might have claimed as our own. This is especially true when it comes to the modern relationship, for all too often the parties wage war, and the potential for evolving into something great is ruined because one (or both) parties cannot break away from their right to “stand their ground” on a position they hold dear.
I call this an absence of presence.
As I consider this it becomes clearer to me this could well be at the core of many problems or disconnects we experience in life, and on many levels. It could be the reason relationships fail in the midst of finger pointing, arguments, and feelings of abandonment. It is, indeed, the very thing that causes separation, distrust and insecurity in relationships because it causes the bonds of the union to dissipate into nothingness.
What happens to a conversation when one or both parties refuse to allow the other perspective to enter into the dialog? What is the result of placing little or no value on the views of the other person? Who gains, who loses? And what is accomplished when two people are battling for what they say is a common goal, yet both have devalued the others perspective?
A lot to think about, for sure, but I think there is a much bigger question we should bring into the conversation as well: Why do people hold on to their positions so violently when there is no reason to do so?
Now that’s a juicy question...
As I consider things I have a sense that we have come to attach our identity to the views and opinions we hold dear. These views and opinions have been reflected upon, internalized, and embraced at a spiritual level for many and are therefore critical in the shaping of how we view the world and interact with others. They help in defining who we are as individuals and they set the boundaries that form our comfort zone. Yet even at this spiritual level, is the view helpful to the individual by creating harmony, peace, and a more enriching life experience? If it is then it is good, if it is not, then it should change.
When these boundaries are crossed we immediately grab hold of our internal reference materials and assess the situation. When we find a position is being challenged we call in the intellectual or emotional reinforcements and set about making ready for battle with the opponent (who in the case of a challenged relationship is the very person we say we love). Next thing you know, what began as an opportunity to learn and grow has been flipped and the relationship finds itself struggling for air.
But is this a matter of holding firm to what we believe in for some moral reason, or is it a matter of being unwilling to grow?
I think we have lost our sense of moral conviction and we have ignored the power this conviction once had in our lives. I think we are unwilling to grow. I think we fight the notion of continued growth daily because we have become “safe and secure” under the umbrella of opinions and ideals that define us. It is easy to say we want to grow, but how many people actually do grow?
Just to be clear, my thinking is that when two people are safe in their zones and have found mutual and lasting peace then that’s great and there is a nurturing harmony that is shared by all. At the same time, if a couple or person is challenged to reconsider a position that is contrary to an individual or common goal, then this presents a personal growth opportunity.
Instead of being afraid of thinking outside of the box we should feel good knowing we can embrace ideas, notion, perspectives, and concepts that are consistent with our views as well as those that are completely different.
Of course, each case is different and merits individual scrutiny. When we consider differing views there should be a standard we must compare each side to, and we should agree to accept the position that either reaches the standard, helps to realize a shared goal, or both. I think this is where a couple or group can exercise its greatest power to move towards a goal and I think this is the “muscle” that is least exercised in troubled relationships.
All too often we get stuck in the mud of selfish, argumentative, individual idealism when it is in our best interests to put the individual view aside and embrace a view that will benefit “all”.
I wonder what it takes to make that possible... I wonder how can we move forward with a different approach to interacting with one another. I wonder if my thoughts and opinions are too idealistic for the modern world, and if I should not challenge others to see things differently.
Alas, I am who I am and this is my calling.
One final word...
When we are lost and caught up in our absence of presence we never experience all that is there before us. We are lost within our own minds because we have allowed our thoughts to imprison our sense of external awareness. All we see and hear and know are the thoughts that reverberate within our minds that reinforce a position that might actually go against our best interests.
30 August 2009
29 August 2009
The N Word in Black America
A War For Your Soul-Birmingham version from Erisai Films on Vimeo.
So what is the challenge in all this? While it is obvious what needs to be done... who will..? Are we big enough to change? Or are we too afraid and so soft we will find reason to perpetuate the very mindset that continues to ruin us? Where are the leaders...
25 August 2009
No. 73 - Stones
The young African couple walked pensively to the table and took a seat. As I watched them I noticed the man rarely held his head up. No matter how the young woman attempted to converse with him, his responses would be soft, unemotional, un-engaging. She seemed to be fully determined to get him to open up, yet her every attempt failed. But she remained steadfast.
I had come to the coffee shop with a Brother of mine to talk about our common challenges and to figure out next steps. We are both part of our extended male support group so this meeting, as with all of our meetings, was critical to helping to get through the tough times we all share.
The economy worsens all around and all too often we tend to think we are in this struggle alone. That said, it is always refreshing to hear others speak the same words of encouragement and hope we often think are ours alone.
I watched the two out the corner of my eye -- and sometimes without hiding -- and I have to say it was intriguing, at the least.
Try as she might he resisted being drawn into the conversation. I had the sense some part of him had given up. It soon became apparent there were many other things going on with this couple that caused his demeanor to be so closed to discourse, and somewhat disconnected from his mate.
“There is a stone in my heart...” she said... “and it’s weighing me down.”
He mumbled something I couldn’t make out. Whatever it was I could tell it presented a major challenge to her calm demeanor. She stood up.
“I’m going to get something to eat... you want something?” she asked.
He said, “No.”
She got up and went into the cafe. He remained behind, still looking down, still lost in thought, still holding his body in a way that demonstrated his feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, lack of safety.
My colleague and I talked some more. I wondered if he was picking up the same things I was. I wondered if he had listened in on the conversation as I had. And I wondered how much of this young couples conversation had been echoed in discussions we’ve all had in times gone by.
We both agreed all the answers to our challenges rest within us. We both understood there must be some way to develop the solutions to our challenges, even in the midst of the financial drought that is straining so many of us these days.
Our conversation went from securing contracts/work/jobs to the impact of modern reality on so many relationships, to what it means to be a husband and what men think it means to be a wife.
This friendship is very important to me. It is the kind that is anchored by truthful observations and personal insights. It is genuine and compelling, comforting and funny. It is all the things that lends to the ideal of friendship in its strongest form... it will survive.
She returned with the food and lovingly offered some to him. He dropped his cigarette and immediately went to eating.
“I feel like we are dying... like we are being pulled apart, and that you aren’t helping to make things easy.” she said.
“We’re not dying... it’s just a problem.”, he said.
“How can you say this when we don’t even act like we are married... you don’t even want my help.” was her response.
For the first time he looked up at her. I could see the love and caring, I could only imagine the torrent of emotions that raged inside him.
“I have a stone in my heart too.”, he said.
Then I understood what was happening. I understood they were both being weighed down by the challenges and struggles they were forced to endure. I understood his feeling of impending doom. And I could only guess at how deeply this must have affected him. For here he was, a stranger to this land -- no telling where or how he grew up, or in what form of community -- having to deal with things I may never comprehend. Here he was.
My colleague and I didn’t discuss this couple as we left. We focused on the task at hand and then we said our good-byes.
When I awakened this morning that couple was on my mind. I saw him sitting there, drawn tightly into himself, and her sitting there, determined to do her part. I sent out a prayer for them.
It is my belief this is a conversation many more couples, and families are having. The darkness that enshrouds the heart when we close ourselves to life can become all consuming. It can take us away from the happiness and comfort of those who are near and dear to us. It can weight us down, dropping us from the heights of love, caring, and compassion to the depths of despair, lonesomeness, and virtual insanity.
Sadly, it can be very contagious...
Those insidious stones.
I had come to the coffee shop with a Brother of mine to talk about our common challenges and to figure out next steps. We are both part of our extended male support group so this meeting, as with all of our meetings, was critical to helping to get through the tough times we all share.
The economy worsens all around and all too often we tend to think we are in this struggle alone. That said, it is always refreshing to hear others speak the same words of encouragement and hope we often think are ours alone.
I watched the two out the corner of my eye -- and sometimes without hiding -- and I have to say it was intriguing, at the least.
Try as she might he resisted being drawn into the conversation. I had the sense some part of him had given up. It soon became apparent there were many other things going on with this couple that caused his demeanor to be so closed to discourse, and somewhat disconnected from his mate.
“There is a stone in my heart...” she said... “and it’s weighing me down.”
He mumbled something I couldn’t make out. Whatever it was I could tell it presented a major challenge to her calm demeanor. She stood up.
“I’m going to get something to eat... you want something?” she asked.
He said, “No.”
She got up and went into the cafe. He remained behind, still looking down, still lost in thought, still holding his body in a way that demonstrated his feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, lack of safety.
My colleague and I talked some more. I wondered if he was picking up the same things I was. I wondered if he had listened in on the conversation as I had. And I wondered how much of this young couples conversation had been echoed in discussions we’ve all had in times gone by.
We both agreed all the answers to our challenges rest within us. We both understood there must be some way to develop the solutions to our challenges, even in the midst of the financial drought that is straining so many of us these days.
Our conversation went from securing contracts/work/jobs to the impact of modern reality on so many relationships, to what it means to be a husband and what men think it means to be a wife.
This friendship is very important to me. It is the kind that is anchored by truthful observations and personal insights. It is genuine and compelling, comforting and funny. It is all the things that lends to the ideal of friendship in its strongest form... it will survive.
She returned with the food and lovingly offered some to him. He dropped his cigarette and immediately went to eating.
“I feel like we are dying... like we are being pulled apart, and that you aren’t helping to make things easy.” she said.
“We’re not dying... it’s just a problem.”, he said.
“How can you say this when we don’t even act like we are married... you don’t even want my help.” was her response.
For the first time he looked up at her. I could see the love and caring, I could only imagine the torrent of emotions that raged inside him.
“I have a stone in my heart too.”, he said.
Then I understood what was happening. I understood they were both being weighed down by the challenges and struggles they were forced to endure. I understood his feeling of impending doom. And I could only guess at how deeply this must have affected him. For here he was, a stranger to this land -- no telling where or how he grew up, or in what form of community -- having to deal with things I may never comprehend. Here he was.
My colleague and I didn’t discuss this couple as we left. We focused on the task at hand and then we said our good-byes.
When I awakened this morning that couple was on my mind. I saw him sitting there, drawn tightly into himself, and her sitting there, determined to do her part. I sent out a prayer for them.
It is my belief this is a conversation many more couples, and families are having. The darkness that enshrouds the heart when we close ourselves to life can become all consuming. It can take us away from the happiness and comfort of those who are near and dear to us. It can weight us down, dropping us from the heights of love, caring, and compassion to the depths of despair, lonesomeness, and virtual insanity.
Sadly, it can be very contagious...
Those insidious stones.
11 August 2009
A Letter to the President
Please change the name below (along with anything else you may want to change) and then cut and paste it into the White House Contact Us page at: http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/ if this is something you feel represents how people feel. This will give voice to our concerns in a very real way so the more people that responds to this by submitting it to the White House, the better. The process only takes 2 minutes and it would help get your concerns heard.
As ever, you are welcome and encouraged to forward this to everyone in your network.
Dear Sir,
You are my President and my brother. You are the most powerful man this planet knows of, wielding international influence where ever you go. You are the example of a loving Husband and dutiful Father that so many of our young boys have responded to, and so many have stood a bit taller just knowing what is possible.
President Obama, you are the example of true community leadership that our generations have longed to look upon, and you have made us proud.
I know there is no way you can know this but there is a young boy in Oakland, California who has gotten many of his last meals from a dumpster behind one of the many struggling restaurants in the area. His girlfriend has had to resort to prostitution in order to get money for a room to have some semblance of peace and some iota of hope in their lives. There is a grandfather who quietly whiles away his time hoping for someone to visit with him, to bring him food, so that he may eat today. And there is a grandmother who has been forced to go without her medicine because she refused to die of hunger. She rather risk losing a limb instead of her life in the short run. These are the stories that every community across this great country can tell you, but why should any American have to ever make that kinds of choices?
All these people live in all communities… and all of them need you to do what is right by them.
You see, Mr. President, we don’t care about the arguments being made by those who continue to have far more than we do. We don’t care to know who is being labeled what or how effective one message was over the other. We just know we are unnecessarily dying and creating a major fiscal burden to all of America because so many do not have health care, and that’s what we care about. We know we have been disproportionately underserved by a de facto system that rewards those at the top by ruining the lives and livelihood of those at the middle and on the bottom.
When you came to the political stage you became something far more then the image of a powerful Black Man. You became the mirror to look upon ourselves with pride and joy, and know that we too are part of your greatness… even as we are. We are coming to a better understand of what this means and how we are now tasked with realizing the leaders that lay dormant within us for so long. For that we thank you.
Sir, you can not afford to play the political samba with the serious health care issues that are currently ruining our Country. There is no time for compromise. You have to stand strong to do what is right and best and ethical for those who need health care most. You have to understand the gravity of the situation and the tragic impact the current health care system has had on so many lives.
What good is it to have an option offered that cannot be purchased because one has to eat, or live, or work? The sad irony of it all…
I am sending this letter on behalf of all the people who agree with what is written here and who stand with you against the dysfunctional social engine that seeks to derail your/our efforts to have health care for all Americans.
We want to make it loud and clear we will not believe one word of the lies and maneuverings coming from those agents who benefit from what now exists in so many financial ways, and who maliciously use their resources and influence to step on our backs. We will not hear their lies or fall for their deceit.
We are making it clear we WANT and need the option you are proposing as long as it will not be embroiled in the same corporate or other “establishment” gimmicks that water it down and/or render it ineffective. That would be a tremendous blow to all of us and our ancestors would roll in their graves seeing this great failure.
We are saying you must make it happen and we are here to help realize this much needed fundamental infrastructure component of true community building.
Humbly and Respectfully,
Dedoceo Habi
As ever, you are welcome and encouraged to forward this to everyone in your network.
Dear Sir,
You are my President and my brother. You are the most powerful man this planet knows of, wielding international influence where ever you go. You are the example of a loving Husband and dutiful Father that so many of our young boys have responded to, and so many have stood a bit taller just knowing what is possible.
President Obama, you are the example of true community leadership that our generations have longed to look upon, and you have made us proud.
I know there is no way you can know this but there is a young boy in Oakland, California who has gotten many of his last meals from a dumpster behind one of the many struggling restaurants in the area. His girlfriend has had to resort to prostitution in order to get money for a room to have some semblance of peace and some iota of hope in their lives. There is a grandfather who quietly whiles away his time hoping for someone to visit with him, to bring him food, so that he may eat today. And there is a grandmother who has been forced to go without her medicine because she refused to die of hunger. She rather risk losing a limb instead of her life in the short run. These are the stories that every community across this great country can tell you, but why should any American have to ever make that kinds of choices?
All these people live in all communities… and all of them need you to do what is right by them.
You see, Mr. President, we don’t care about the arguments being made by those who continue to have far more than we do. We don’t care to know who is being labeled what or how effective one message was over the other. We just know we are unnecessarily dying and creating a major fiscal burden to all of America because so many do not have health care, and that’s what we care about. We know we have been disproportionately underserved by a de facto system that rewards those at the top by ruining the lives and livelihood of those at the middle and on the bottom.
When you came to the political stage you became something far more then the image of a powerful Black Man. You became the mirror to look upon ourselves with pride and joy, and know that we too are part of your greatness… even as we are. We are coming to a better understand of what this means and how we are now tasked with realizing the leaders that lay dormant within us for so long. For that we thank you.
Sir, you can not afford to play the political samba with the serious health care issues that are currently ruining our Country. There is no time for compromise. You have to stand strong to do what is right and best and ethical for those who need health care most. You have to understand the gravity of the situation and the tragic impact the current health care system has had on so many lives.
What good is it to have an option offered that cannot be purchased because one has to eat, or live, or work? The sad irony of it all…
I am sending this letter on behalf of all the people who agree with what is written here and who stand with you against the dysfunctional social engine that seeks to derail your/our efforts to have health care for all Americans.
We want to make it loud and clear we will not believe one word of the lies and maneuverings coming from those agents who benefit from what now exists in so many financial ways, and who maliciously use their resources and influence to step on our backs. We will not hear their lies or fall for their deceit.
We are making it clear we WANT and need the option you are proposing as long as it will not be embroiled in the same corporate or other “establishment” gimmicks that water it down and/or render it ineffective. That would be a tremendous blow to all of us and our ancestors would roll in their graves seeing this great failure.
We are saying you must make it happen and we are here to help realize this much needed fundamental infrastructure component of true community building.
Humbly and Respectfully,
Dedoceo Habi
09 August 2009
No. 72 - Seeking with Faith
Today I spent some time on the beach watching the shoreline, the waves as they gently cascaded upon the land, the water foul, and the many different people enjoying the outside environs. There were couples, individuals and families, all enjoying the pleasant comfort of good times spent creating lasting memories in the Sun. While all this was most appealing to me there happened to be one pair the caught my eye and caused me to spend the majority of my time watching them.
A man and a dog were enjoying their time together playing a game of catch. The dog, a Black Lab, was most attentive and quite ready to fully enjoy the fun. Each time the man would pick his arm up to throw the ball the dog would take off at full sprint to retrieve it. What was intriguing to me was the fact that in every case the ball had not been thrown, yet the dog was off without pause. Each time the ball was thrown he would happily find it where ever it fell.
There are those who might argue the point that the dog was only responding to his training. While that is an appropriate perspective, I saw something else... something far more meaningful. What I saw led me to consider the Spiritual lesson that could be learned from this activity.
The dog, you see, went forward in faith. He gave his all to realize a goal -- that of getting the ball -- even when he had no idea where it would ultimately be found. That, to me, is the great lesson one can draw from this dispatch.
There are many who go forward in life with the full knowledge -- a great sense of knowing -- that the goals sought after will be had as long as they keep going forward in faith. As long as they give it our all and are consistently believe they will have it, they will. This assumes these people are seeking that which is beneficial not just to themselves, but to others as well.
Nowadays it’s hard to grasp this ideal because many are so anchored to the deeds and actions of the masses it is quite hard to allow themselves to believe anything other then following the herd as the appropriate path to realizing a given goal. I accept this line of thinking as true and relevant to those who embrace it while I also accept the notion that there is always another way to getting to the prize.
Many people espouse a great belief in the teachings of the Bible, the Tora, the Koran or some other great Spiritual work, yet some of the strongest truths written in these great Books go unheeded. They are minimized or twisted to conform to the thinking of those with little understanding of true Faith, and this limited insight soon becomes the ball-and-chains that keep these people from realizing a greater self.
The have Faith dwell within self can be perceived by some as fool-hardy or unrealistic. These are the folk who are mesmerized to the point of frozen fear when exposed to the Faith of others. They do not understand and find it difficult to grasp as a way of being.
There is much to be learned from the idea of going forward in Faith if we would but allow ourselves to be open to the lessons, and willing to internalize them. When we can do that we go through life with a greater sense of personal calm and confidence in our capabilities because we walk with the knowledge that we will succeed.
I believe this with all that I am. I believe our society is so lacking in positive energy and truly great leaders because so few understand the power of Faith. One may call if Religious, one may call is Spiritual, or one may call it nebulous... the choice goes to the individual. Whatever and however one defines it I believe we need more of it in todays world.
All around us individuals, couples, families and ultimately communities are floundering. The support infrastructure that once helped many can now help only a few. All indications are that even the few numbers that receive help will continue to be reduced.
I wonder what will happen to us when this inevitable reality in at our doorsteps. I wonder how will these many individuals cope with a world in transition all around them as everything they were once happily familiar with is no more. And what of the millions of children and youth who now are simply blowing in the wind because no one is there to guide them... how will they find comfort?
Faith and Hope have a cyclical relationship, always trading off o which will lead which. It is apparent to me that without Faith there will be no Hope. Without Hope so many more will be lost. How many is too many? What will become of those who think they have something today only to find out as this society continues to change, they have less... or nothing. Consider all the millions of families that once lived in luxury and are now part of the growing “lower class” society.
An interesting series of thoughts, indeed, and I hope you will share it with those you are close to. In fact, I am humbly asking that you do, and find reason to talk to them about this.
Seeking by Faith is rooted in the absolute belief that you will somehow realize your goal -- the way is made with each step forward, that is the extent of how far one must see (and believe). There is no measured path or outlined road one must follow... that road is already crowded with the clamor and ire of the many on that journey.
Whether the Faith that is needed applies to finally securing that home you’ve been after, or finding a way to get to college, the premise and act of Faith must be more broadly exercised.
As the world around us changes we most change with it. There are a million stories of defeat and loss one can specifically link to the inability to change when change is needed. As well, there are just as many stories of how belief translated into Faith has achieved what many thought were impossible, because Hope remained alive.
I’m reminded on a scripture: ...all things are possible to him that believeth...
What are you reminded of?
A man and a dog were enjoying their time together playing a game of catch. The dog, a Black Lab, was most attentive and quite ready to fully enjoy the fun. Each time the man would pick his arm up to throw the ball the dog would take off at full sprint to retrieve it. What was intriguing to me was the fact that in every case the ball had not been thrown, yet the dog was off without pause. Each time the ball was thrown he would happily find it where ever it fell.
There are those who might argue the point that the dog was only responding to his training. While that is an appropriate perspective, I saw something else... something far more meaningful. What I saw led me to consider the Spiritual lesson that could be learned from this activity.
The dog, you see, went forward in faith. He gave his all to realize a goal -- that of getting the ball -- even when he had no idea where it would ultimately be found. That, to me, is the great lesson one can draw from this dispatch.
There are many who go forward in life with the full knowledge -- a great sense of knowing -- that the goals sought after will be had as long as they keep going forward in faith. As long as they give it our all and are consistently believe they will have it, they will. This assumes these people are seeking that which is beneficial not just to themselves, but to others as well.
Nowadays it’s hard to grasp this ideal because many are so anchored to the deeds and actions of the masses it is quite hard to allow themselves to believe anything other then following the herd as the appropriate path to realizing a given goal. I accept this line of thinking as true and relevant to those who embrace it while I also accept the notion that there is always another way to getting to the prize.
Many people espouse a great belief in the teachings of the Bible, the Tora, the Koran or some other great Spiritual work, yet some of the strongest truths written in these great Books go unheeded. They are minimized or twisted to conform to the thinking of those with little understanding of true Faith, and this limited insight soon becomes the ball-and-chains that keep these people from realizing a greater self.
The have Faith dwell within self can be perceived by some as fool-hardy or unrealistic. These are the folk who are mesmerized to the point of frozen fear when exposed to the Faith of others. They do not understand and find it difficult to grasp as a way of being.
There is much to be learned from the idea of going forward in Faith if we would but allow ourselves to be open to the lessons, and willing to internalize them. When we can do that we go through life with a greater sense of personal calm and confidence in our capabilities because we walk with the knowledge that we will succeed.
I believe this with all that I am. I believe our society is so lacking in positive energy and truly great leaders because so few understand the power of Faith. One may call if Religious, one may call is Spiritual, or one may call it nebulous... the choice goes to the individual. Whatever and however one defines it I believe we need more of it in todays world.
All around us individuals, couples, families and ultimately communities are floundering. The support infrastructure that once helped many can now help only a few. All indications are that even the few numbers that receive help will continue to be reduced.
I wonder what will happen to us when this inevitable reality in at our doorsteps. I wonder how will these many individuals cope with a world in transition all around them as everything they were once happily familiar with is no more. And what of the millions of children and youth who now are simply blowing in the wind because no one is there to guide them... how will they find comfort?
Faith and Hope have a cyclical relationship, always trading off o which will lead which. It is apparent to me that without Faith there will be no Hope. Without Hope so many more will be lost. How many is too many? What will become of those who think they have something today only to find out as this society continues to change, they have less... or nothing. Consider all the millions of families that once lived in luxury and are now part of the growing “lower class” society.
An interesting series of thoughts, indeed, and I hope you will share it with those you are close to. In fact, I am humbly asking that you do, and find reason to talk to them about this.
Seeking by Faith is rooted in the absolute belief that you will somehow realize your goal -- the way is made with each step forward, that is the extent of how far one must see (and believe). There is no measured path or outlined road one must follow... that road is already crowded with the clamor and ire of the many on that journey.
Whether the Faith that is needed applies to finally securing that home you’ve been after, or finding a way to get to college, the premise and act of Faith must be more broadly exercised.
As the world around us changes we most change with it. There are a million stories of defeat and loss one can specifically link to the inability to change when change is needed. As well, there are just as many stories of how belief translated into Faith has achieved what many thought were impossible, because Hope remained alive.
I’m reminded on a scripture: ...all things are possible to him that believeth...
What are you reminded of?
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