No. 78 - Confidentially Speaking

My last dispatch created quite a response, I’m happy to say. There was one that stood out in a very big way because of how it was presented and how it was connected to No. 77 - Reminded. Below is an excerpt of some of what was sent; a conversation between a man and his therapist about a relationship that is on the line. The names have been changed to protect the privacy of all involved.
...

Mike: So you’re saying I have to sacrifice what’s important to me simply because my wife is unwilling to accept it?
Sheryl: No, not at all. What I’m saying is you have to understand that each person experiences the world differently from the next. Since that’s the case it’s in your interest to communicate your needs to her so she can understand how important they are.

Mike: I’ve tried that... a hundred times... she keeps coming back to she sees things her way, I see things mine, and that’s as far as she’s willing to take it.
Sheryl: Really?
Mike: Really... and when I press the issue she gets mad.
Sheryl: ...And how do you feel about that?

Mike: I feel angry. I feel helpless. I feel irritated that we don’t have the ability to address these concerns in a way that would help us to move forward.
Sheryl: What is your role in all this?
Mike: Excuse me?
Sheryl: Your role... your responsibility... what part do you play in all this?
Mike: Are you suggesting I caused this?
Sheryl: I’m just asking...

Mike: I suppose I could say I’ve let things get the best of me. I’ve allowed her position to push me away... put me into my own world. But I don’t know how true that really is.
Sheryl: Please elaborate...
Mike: As I see things, when we got started everything was great. We were both down for each other, enjoyed one anothers company, couldn’t wait to be with each other. Then it seems one day everything changed.
Sheryl: What day would that be?
Mike: Well, maybe not one day.. maybe it was a gradual thing... yes, that seems more like it.

Sheryl: So things gradually changed and now you have no interest in her sexually?
Mike: On the contrary, I’m raging inside to be intimate with her, I just have learned not to show it... seems like when I have, for the most part, it’s been the wrong time.
Sheryl: How do you feel about that?
Mike: Again, frustrated, irritated... I hate it, to be honest. What man feels good about not being able to be close sexually with his wife -- the woman he loves and cares about?

Sheryl: That’s a good question, let’s focus on you, your experience. Do you think this is what is causing you to want to have an affair?
Mike: No, not really.
Sheryl: Do elaborate.
Mike: It’s like this. That part of me that I value so much and need to share with my wife is continually minimized or ignored. Either she doesn’t feel like it, she’s angry, or she rather be on the phone with one of her girlfriends. Regardless, I’m not getting what I need from her.
Sheryl: Go on.

Mike: It puts me in a space where my desire to share that part of me gets “frustrated”...
Sheryl: I’m not sure I follow that... what do you mean by your last statement?
Mike: Trust me, it can be confusing and complicated for me too. What I mean is as a human being -- irrespective of my desire to have this experience with my wife -- my desire to be intimate seems to be screaming for attention, nurturing, acknowledgement and appreciation... it’s getting to the point where I’ll take it from almost anybody.
Sheryl: Oh, I see. Your need to express this desire, and have this need met, becomes greater when it goes unment, is that what you mean?

Mike: Yes, that’s it.
Sheryl: Where does that leave you?
Mike: Where I am today. I love her, I care about her, I want our relationship to survive. All these things are valuable to me. But even so, I will not allow my needs to go unmet because she doesn’t have time for me or because she doesn’t value them in a way that will help our relationship.

Sheryl: You sound angry.
Mike: I am angry.
Sheryl: Is there not some reason to think your view of this is anchored in or by your anger?
Mike: Once upon a time I thought so. The truth of the matter is -- at least as far as all the guys I know are concerned -- we are all tempted by other women from time-to-time. So even though it may not seem right or fair, my thinking is sooner or later someone's gonna come along when I’m at a low point and then the rest is gonna be history. It bothers me that I think this way but it is the truth.
Sheryl: And you’re comfortable with that?

Mike: No, but what other choice do I have? I can’t make her value what’s important to me. I can’t make her understand her behaviors are really setting things up to fail, can I?
Sheryl: Mike, I think you know the answer to those questions. We are all in charge of only ourselves and can only change ourselves.
Mike: So you agree with what I’m saying?
Sheryl: I’m not here to agree or disagree... I’m here to help you filter things so the solutions to your challenges can be clearer.

Mike: Understood.
Sheryl: What do you think causes her to react the way she does?
Mike: I wish I knew.
Sheryl: The question was: What do you “think”, now what do you know.
Mike: Right. I hear you. Well, I think she’s just taking us for granted. I think she’s allowed her own anger to come into our relationship and it’s destroying what we once had.

Sheryl: Okay. Now, back to a question I asked earlier... You mentioned your anger, now you’re talking about her anger. It seems to me anger is a common denominator in your relationship, and it’s wreaking havoc on what had once been a very rewarding relationship. How does that sound to you?
Mike: Safe. Honest.
Sheryl: But is any of it ringing true for you? Listen, anger is one of the most destructive emotions we allow into our lives. I can site study after study on the subject but the point is we allow anger to come into our lives in so many diverse, and even perverse, ways. We allow it to distort our sense of reality, compromise our sanity, and dissipate our happiness into nothingness. Then we go around pouting and pointing the finger.
Mike: That may be true but I didn’t start this.

Sheryl: I’m not suggesting that you did. In fact, it doesn’t matter who started things or even how things got started. What matters is that you both have to come to the understanding that you cannot survive when there is anger so prevalent in your relationship. At the very least, you need to understand this.
Mike: You think I like feeling the way I do? I really don’t.

Sheryl: Then do something about it.
Mike: What else can I do?
Sheryl: Well, you can start by eliminating the anger from your life... that’s what you can control. Hopefully by doing that, and continuing to converse with your wife about your needs things will heal and you will be able to enjoy those happy memories in a real way again.

Mike: So that’s it, that’s all you can offer?
Sheryl: It’s better than the alternative... you can either do your part to remove anger out of your life to give yourself a chance at having the Love, intimacy and fulfillment you want in you life, or you can stay angry and guarantee a life of heartache, misery, and discontent. Your choice.
...

“Mike” sent me this excerpt and commented that he is thinking more about his own anger and the impact it has on his relationship. He is focusing more on his role in the relationship to find positive ways to communicate his needs to his wife. No. 77 provided him with a goal to reach, and yes, with his wife.

There are no assurances that she will do the same, but I hope she decides to see things differently and allow their love to blossom. There are no magic charms that cause a person who chooses to dwell in anger to change their perspective and learn to release emotions that diminish the happiness in their lives.

It all comes down to what we each choose to value in our lives, and what we choose to do to demonstrate that value. We can hold fast onto ideals, perspectives, and/or emotions that damn us to unfulfilling and unhappy lives, or we can release our psychological barriers and emotional burdens with the full knowledge that this is the only way to truly embrace our happiness.

As the good Doctor said in so many words: Our choice.