After months of silence I finally heard from a dear cousin of mine... I’ll call him Marvin. Last I heard his Mother had died and the process of preparing for her burial had devastated him.
One of the first things he told me was he had lost his job only three days after the funeral... he hasn’t worked since, and is now forced to live with relatives.
Although he had experienced such sadness in these last months his demeanor was calm and assured. He confided in me he had been off all stimulants (drugs and alcohol) and was finally beginning to feel real emotions. We even laughed when I joked about how surprised he must have felt when he first understood the feeling that was so unusually delightful to him was that of feeling happy. Feeling happiness for the first time in many years without the numbing affects of drugs and alcohol... it was the first time I could remember seeing him genuinely happy in many years. I felt blessed to experience it.
As we walked and talked we happened to talk about women. Since his situation was so fragile and he had little to offer in the way of material things or income he was getting a lot of resistance and hesitance from his estranged wife. She had made it clear she was quite uncomfortable supporting him and leery of making any commitment that would bring them any closer. We talked on this more and I gained greater insight into how he viewed the world, how life circumstance and decisions had adversely impacted his life. I came to appreciate a view of women that -- I’m hearing more and more these days -- seems to be a challenge to the status quo.
It was a little uncomfortable digesting all he said because as we spoke, standing outside of the place of worship where he now attends routinely for weekly prayer, this woman came up to us, Bible in hand, ready to share in the praising of the Lord with him.
I thought about that deeply as I headed back home, wondering at the oddity of that situation. Now, there are many who believe a man is the provider of the home and, no matter what, it is his job to do, and he is remiss if he doesn’t meet that need. I’ve overheard many women talking of how they would drop their man in a hot second if he didn’t have any money. As a man I believe it is a mans nature to want to provide for his family and it gives him great pleasure knowing that he does.
But something wrong has happened in our society... something that is the culprit for many breakups and much hardship in relationships all across the land. This thing has ruined not only the lives of husbands and wives, but also innocent children. What am I referring to, you may ask... very good question.
I shall answer it like so:
...
Her, defined
She knows her Man, and longs to be
The holder of his care,
She seeks to give him all he needs, when no one
Else is there,
She lifts him up, not heeding those
Who laugh behind her back,
She understands with clarity, and gladly gives
That which he lacks,
She smartly knows that while they struggle
This time lasts but a spell,
She sees the future in the hope she breathes
With every truth she tells.
And sometimes in his darkest hour, when he needs
To feel her love,
Her gentle words of belief in him let’s him
Know there is a God above.
Her, defined.
...
You see, what my dear cousin was saying to me was that he hadn’t given up on life. No matter what he had faced or what he would ever face he would not stop trying. He wanted to do more, be more, have more, give more, love more -- even when he may not always know how to or have the answer to how to achieve his goal. He refused to allow himself to believe he was nothing even though everyone and everywhere around him there were messages and indicators that many men have allowed to break them.
He was telling the universe that he is a Man and that he does deserve better and that he will not give up on self or life until he realized his dreams.
And he was saying he needed a Good woman to share not just the fruits of his hard-fought labor, but also the journey to making it so.
Who can say, in the modern day, what challenges we will all face as so much around us falls into ruin? Who can predict what more bad news or suffering will have to be absorbed and shared by us all? And who can expect to accomplish anything worthwhile, meaningful, and necessary without the help and support of others... namely the very one who professes to love them?
I have said and continue to say things will worsen before they get better. There are many people who are doing everything possible to realize a better life, who will not yield to the temptation to give up. Even in the face of all these challenges it is my fervent belief the only success to be had will be had when two people find the strength of character and commitment to one another to put aside antiquated thinking about how things ought to be and understand they live in the here and now. When this happens we can rest assured that families will be strengthened after having victory over the trials of the modern day. When this happens we will have tangible proof of the true strength of the pillars of our community - husbands and wives.
And we will be able to look back at the excitement of the journey, reflecting upon every step, every lesson learned, and every courageous victory, knowing full well that we did it...
Together.
22 July 2009
18 July 2009
No. 69 - Give and Take Within
What is it about the human condition that causes a person to hold steadfast to a viewpoint, belief or position even when it prevents him from that which he desires to possess? How closely aligned to the problems we perceive in our relationships are our words and actions? And, why do we hold so tenaciously to those parts of our psyche that seem to keep our happiness at bay?
These are some of the questions that rested on my mind this morning as I awakened. I lay there I wondered about the series of connected “dots” that compose our identity, and that set into motion the experiences we have in life.
As I consider these thoughts I begin to see a connection from one stage of the matter to the next. It occurs to me our identities have somehow become closely associated with our habits. These habits are nothing more than a series of repeated actions that we have become comfortable with. These actions are based upon the perspectives and realities we experience as we flow through the world as we evolve toward our individual (and collective) greatness. At various points in our evolution (in fact, the points of evolution) we decide what viewpoint we will embrace (and the accompanying attitude) or what viewpoint we will drop. Once these decisions are made our natural processes come into play and we soon find these new viewpoints tightly integrated into our view of the world.
In either case, we tend to adopt mannerisms, attitudes, and perspectives that are in line with how we regard the world, and the people in the world that we come across. It is these mannerisms that, when repeatedly exercised, become the recognizable traits of our character. Lo and behold, when we think of a person we have become acquainted with we hold a mental image of this person that is based on the actions of this person and the experiences we have had with this person, whether good or bad.
I tend to think about this with what I would consider an honest yet critical eye. I tend to use my thoughts to better understand the world around me, and apply these understandings to situations I find myself exposed to. I have found this approach to be helpful in my work with community and in helping to remove my own mental barriers.
Still, how is it that we have come to hold that part of us that opposes our true desire with such fervent passion?
I recently returned from a convention in Tampa and at one of the keynote events an older gentleman gave a presentation that really resonated regarding this subject. He sited an experiment done many years ago by Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman in which the term “Learned Helplessness” was coined.
The idea developed was based on a person who is exposed conditions that fostered adverse, fearful, or uncomfortable emotions. When this happens that person develops behaviors that remain present and impactful even when removed from the situation -- even applying them to similar situations later on in life. This is to say, we learn to behave in ways that perpetuate our thoughts of fear and helplessness even when removed from the circumstances that caused us adopt these viewpoints. Even when we have no clear reason to do so.
As I think about it, it makes a lot of sense. It explains why it is so hard for people to overcome past hurts or feelings of fear, rather choosing to continue protective and/or controlling behaviors. It explains why so many in our community have allowed their feelings of helplessness to dictate their views of and experiences in life, and it accounts for the many problems that grab us unexpectedly as we go about the business of maintaining lifelong relationships.
I see this every time I speak to a young man who proclaims he wants a job yet explains there are no jobs to be had. He, therefore, does not try to find work. He has learned to feel helpless -- it is his normal way now -- and so now he acts hopeless. In the end, the very thing he says he wants he has “learned” he cannot have and because of his thinking, he acts in ways that makes his belief his reality.
While some may call this a self fulfilling prophesy, I like to think this is nothing more than learned behavior. I take this position because I believe we can each control what we learn far more effectively then what we prophesy.
So we are now looking more carefully and honestly at how we have come to act in certain ways and under certain conditions. We are considering how it is that our emotional “training” has come to control our logical implementation of will. And we are seeing how our happiness or sadness, our success or failure -- all these things the constitute the human animal -- is based simply on our learned behavior. It is something we all have and something that is intimately held within us all.
I think this is a great thing. I think so because I believe we are all smart enough to see the value in taking a decidedly proactive approach to re-learning how we give and take within.
These are some of the questions that rested on my mind this morning as I awakened. I lay there I wondered about the series of connected “dots” that compose our identity, and that set into motion the experiences we have in life.
As I consider these thoughts I begin to see a connection from one stage of the matter to the next. It occurs to me our identities have somehow become closely associated with our habits. These habits are nothing more than a series of repeated actions that we have become comfortable with. These actions are based upon the perspectives and realities we experience as we flow through the world as we evolve toward our individual (and collective) greatness. At various points in our evolution (in fact, the points of evolution) we decide what viewpoint we will embrace (and the accompanying attitude) or what viewpoint we will drop. Once these decisions are made our natural processes come into play and we soon find these new viewpoints tightly integrated into our view of the world.
In either case, we tend to adopt mannerisms, attitudes, and perspectives that are in line with how we regard the world, and the people in the world that we come across. It is these mannerisms that, when repeatedly exercised, become the recognizable traits of our character. Lo and behold, when we think of a person we have become acquainted with we hold a mental image of this person that is based on the actions of this person and the experiences we have had with this person, whether good or bad.
I tend to think about this with what I would consider an honest yet critical eye. I tend to use my thoughts to better understand the world around me, and apply these understandings to situations I find myself exposed to. I have found this approach to be helpful in my work with community and in helping to remove my own mental barriers.
Still, how is it that we have come to hold that part of us that opposes our true desire with such fervent passion?
I recently returned from a convention in Tampa and at one of the keynote events an older gentleman gave a presentation that really resonated regarding this subject. He sited an experiment done many years ago by Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman in which the term “Learned Helplessness” was coined.
The idea developed was based on a person who is exposed conditions that fostered adverse, fearful, or uncomfortable emotions. When this happens that person develops behaviors that remain present and impactful even when removed from the situation -- even applying them to similar situations later on in life. This is to say, we learn to behave in ways that perpetuate our thoughts of fear and helplessness even when removed from the circumstances that caused us adopt these viewpoints. Even when we have no clear reason to do so.
As I think about it, it makes a lot of sense. It explains why it is so hard for people to overcome past hurts or feelings of fear, rather choosing to continue protective and/or controlling behaviors. It explains why so many in our community have allowed their feelings of helplessness to dictate their views of and experiences in life, and it accounts for the many problems that grab us unexpectedly as we go about the business of maintaining lifelong relationships.
I see this every time I speak to a young man who proclaims he wants a job yet explains there are no jobs to be had. He, therefore, does not try to find work. He has learned to feel helpless -- it is his normal way now -- and so now he acts hopeless. In the end, the very thing he says he wants he has “learned” he cannot have and because of his thinking, he acts in ways that makes his belief his reality.
While some may call this a self fulfilling prophesy, I like to think this is nothing more than learned behavior. I take this position because I believe we can each control what we learn far more effectively then what we prophesy.
So we are now looking more carefully and honestly at how we have come to act in certain ways and under certain conditions. We are considering how it is that our emotional “training” has come to control our logical implementation of will. And we are seeing how our happiness or sadness, our success or failure -- all these things the constitute the human animal -- is based simply on our learned behavior. It is something we all have and something that is intimately held within us all.
I think this is a great thing. I think so because I believe we are all smart enough to see the value in taking a decidedly proactive approach to re-learning how we give and take within.
16 July 2009
No. 68 - $4.00 worth of gas
Funny how it seems, at times, that we so easily forget who we are, where we are, and what we claim we are about. And it’s peculiar how we are tested when we least expect it. For sure, there must be a book somewhere that records our every word and then quickly goes about setting things into play to let us prove our character.
Such was my experience today.
I had just completed work at a local place of worship. As I walked toward my car I heard a commotion. I looked over and across the street, through the fence, and watched as an older man, late 50’s I would say, hurriedly went from one person to the next. As I took in the scene it looked as if he was being shadowed by a woman.
I watched and vaguely heard his rushed words as one person after the next turned him down. He did not become upset... he would simply move on to the next person. Funny though, it seemed the street was abuzz with activity. Cars went by, mothers and children walked by, pairs of friends strolled along... yet no one seemed to be willing or able to help this gentleman.
I watched a moment longer... then I turned away to get into my car. After all, he had it covered. And then I heard him calling toward me.
I turned to look and there he was, boldly approaching me... saying something... words which became clearer to me as he finally stopped, standing less than five feet away.
“That’s my wife over there... she’s four months pregnant. I pray to God that you can help us. I had to come to my meeting today... just made it, then I ran out of gas. Can you help?” he said.
I looked at the woman again and sure enough I could see the tell-tale sign of a young life growing in the small rounded pouch that protruded before her.
It was hot... almost 90 degrees and there was no wind. I sweat just standing there. I looked at him a bit closer and could see his sweat as well.
“We just need a little gas to get to the house. I come here every week. If you leave your information I’ll pay you back. My back is out... I can’t walk in this heat,” he said.
I had put $4.00 in my pocket this morning. Not sure why... just did. I suppose, in retrospect, I had put it in my pocket for this moment.
“I will help,” I told him, and then he was heading towards his parked truck. I heard him say thank you more than once. I told him I’d pull over so we could go and get the gas.
When I pulled up to his truck his wife came over with a gas can. I was a little surprised but said nothing. He looked at me and said: “This truck has all we got in it... I’ll stay here and rest my back while you two go get the gas.”
I looked at the truck... it was filled with wood... pieces of board from some broken old building or some dilapidated old floor... to the point of overflowing. She wasted no time coming over and getting in.
I introduced myself, she introduced herself. I have to say it was awkward and I wasn’t sure about this at all. Did I miss something? Was I about to be hustled? Why would a man allow his wife to go with a stranger? What “rules of engagement” had been broken?
Then I remembered how my mother had helped others as we grew up. I remembered the good Samaritan story of old, and all the stories of good people helping those in need. I released my fear and doubt long enough to put myself in their shoes to try and understand... and long enough to consider these two strangers could be two angels.
Some may think my view is “pie-in-the-sky”. It may have been foolish of me to be trusting. Somehow I felt I was being tested. Here I was coming out of a church, there to help others, and just as I exit I’m faced with the choice of whether of not to help someone in real immediate need.
We got to the gas station and I gave her the $4.00. She graciously thanked me, went inside and paid for the gas. She came out and got $4.00 worth of gas, returning to the car with a sense of relief and joy.
“We really thank you,” she said. I said it was no problem and we headed back to her waiting husband.
When we arrived he was sitting with the door half open... I thought he was in a daze or about to pass out. He looked as though he was not feeling well. When asked, he said his back was killing him, having pulled it while getting the wood.
She got out of the car and thanked me again. They both did. I told them it was no problem... because it wasn’t. I then drove off.
As I drove towards my next stop I wondered about this unusual couple. I wondered how they had come to be together... how could they be together. It seemed so unlikely - him so old and her looking half his age... and pregnant to boot. I then recalled watching how she tenderly shared holding the gas can with her husband after I had dropped her off, their empty tank waiting for the needed gas.
I try to place some value on the $4.00 worth of gas as I allow the memory of the experience to settle in my mind. It occurs to me the value of that little bit of money was as such - at least to this couple:
Got them home after a long day of trials and tribulation in the hot Oakland Sun
Gave them an opportunity to keep trying to make a living for themselves
Created an opportunity for them to work together, to find a way to demonstrate their care and commitment even during this challenge
...And most importantly,
Showed them that prayers are answered.
Such was my experience today.
I had just completed work at a local place of worship. As I walked toward my car I heard a commotion. I looked over and across the street, through the fence, and watched as an older man, late 50’s I would say, hurriedly went from one person to the next. As I took in the scene it looked as if he was being shadowed by a woman.
I watched and vaguely heard his rushed words as one person after the next turned him down. He did not become upset... he would simply move on to the next person. Funny though, it seemed the street was abuzz with activity. Cars went by, mothers and children walked by, pairs of friends strolled along... yet no one seemed to be willing or able to help this gentleman.
I watched a moment longer... then I turned away to get into my car. After all, he had it covered. And then I heard him calling toward me.
I turned to look and there he was, boldly approaching me... saying something... words which became clearer to me as he finally stopped, standing less than five feet away.
“That’s my wife over there... she’s four months pregnant. I pray to God that you can help us. I had to come to my meeting today... just made it, then I ran out of gas. Can you help?” he said.
I looked at the woman again and sure enough I could see the tell-tale sign of a young life growing in the small rounded pouch that protruded before her.
It was hot... almost 90 degrees and there was no wind. I sweat just standing there. I looked at him a bit closer and could see his sweat as well.
“We just need a little gas to get to the house. I come here every week. If you leave your information I’ll pay you back. My back is out... I can’t walk in this heat,” he said.
I had put $4.00 in my pocket this morning. Not sure why... just did. I suppose, in retrospect, I had put it in my pocket for this moment.
“I will help,” I told him, and then he was heading towards his parked truck. I heard him say thank you more than once. I told him I’d pull over so we could go and get the gas.
When I pulled up to his truck his wife came over with a gas can. I was a little surprised but said nothing. He looked at me and said: “This truck has all we got in it... I’ll stay here and rest my back while you two go get the gas.”
I looked at the truck... it was filled with wood... pieces of board from some broken old building or some dilapidated old floor... to the point of overflowing. She wasted no time coming over and getting in.
I introduced myself, she introduced herself. I have to say it was awkward and I wasn’t sure about this at all. Did I miss something? Was I about to be hustled? Why would a man allow his wife to go with a stranger? What “rules of engagement” had been broken?
Then I remembered how my mother had helped others as we grew up. I remembered the good Samaritan story of old, and all the stories of good people helping those in need. I released my fear and doubt long enough to put myself in their shoes to try and understand... and long enough to consider these two strangers could be two angels.
Some may think my view is “pie-in-the-sky”. It may have been foolish of me to be trusting. Somehow I felt I was being tested. Here I was coming out of a church, there to help others, and just as I exit I’m faced with the choice of whether of not to help someone in real immediate need.
We got to the gas station and I gave her the $4.00. She graciously thanked me, went inside and paid for the gas. She came out and got $4.00 worth of gas, returning to the car with a sense of relief and joy.
“We really thank you,” she said. I said it was no problem and we headed back to her waiting husband.
When we arrived he was sitting with the door half open... I thought he was in a daze or about to pass out. He looked as though he was not feeling well. When asked, he said his back was killing him, having pulled it while getting the wood.
She got out of the car and thanked me again. They both did. I told them it was no problem... because it wasn’t. I then drove off.
As I drove towards my next stop I wondered about this unusual couple. I wondered how they had come to be together... how could they be together. It seemed so unlikely - him so old and her looking half his age... and pregnant to boot. I then recalled watching how she tenderly shared holding the gas can with her husband after I had dropped her off, their empty tank waiting for the needed gas.
I try to place some value on the $4.00 worth of gas as I allow the memory of the experience to settle in my mind. It occurs to me the value of that little bit of money was as such - at least to this couple:
Got them home after a long day of trials and tribulation in the hot Oakland Sun
Gave them an opportunity to keep trying to make a living for themselves
Created an opportunity for them to work together, to find a way to demonstrate their care and commitment even during this challenge
...And most importantly,
Showed them that prayers are answered.
21 April 2009
No. 67 - Anger and the Prostitute
So I’ve been thinking about anger, and the affects it has on our valued relationships, and wondered just what is it about anger that gives it so much power over relationships? Naturally, I had to first look within to gain a better understanding of whatever anger there might be that resides – or that once resided – there. I’ve taken the opinion that we must first consider ourselves, and then information we gain from others, and then share it with those we love and care about before internalizing that information as truth or fiction.
Here’s the situation and process I’ve witnessed in many occasions, and that, I noticed is presently considered commonplace for so many in our community (sadly):
The two are in a relationship, both proclaiming their love for one another. They have grown to feel they have finally found someone they can be themselves with; someone that values their individuality for what it is; someone that shares common views and interests on many fronts. Off they go, along the thrilling avenues of life, hand-in-had with confidence in their ability to live the lives they had both dreamed of, they bask in the glow of love.
There is no question the two are fully engaged in the relationship and benefiting from accepting one another in their fullness. Both are growing in ways and places they could never have imagined. Together the two possess the ability to overcome each and every obstacle they may face… and do so without skipping a beat. The Love they share is so complete there is nary a single thought given to the notion that this bliss could some day change.
But one day it does.
One day, something happens that begins the dulling process of this once radiant love. This event, while small at first, is the very thing that puts the couple on high alert, and soon becomes the threat to the very thing they both want and value so highly. I like to say it is the first stage in the Prostitution of their Happiness. I say so because it is during these events that the happiness the couple so highly values is relegated to the corruption brought on by the unworthy – and undignified – purposes of anger.
The Scenario:
The two are in conversation, as they have done so a thousand times prior to this moment in time. One of them says something that seems normal and appropriate based upon his/her perspective, and with a desire to further enjoy the discourse. The other person for some reason that might seem unclear, and that certainly comes from a place and awareness not relevant to the present situation, takes offense to what is said. He/she is struck by what he/she just heard and reacts in a way that demonstrates this. To the surprise and bewilderment of the other person, this behavior is off-putting, to say the least. Words are said that could compromise the stability of the once stable platform on which the relationship stands. Emotions spill forth that cast a dark light on one or both of them, neither wanting to take ownership of their role played in the scenario.
Two very critical things happen now: first, the one to which the anger was aimed decides he/she will no longer “talk about that”, second, the one who became angry initially decides he/she was justified in their position, even though the adverse emotional outburst has become the initiating catalyst that may someday defeat the very thing they both want – lasting happiness together.
This is the moment in time when the Prostitute is at the apex of destructive power. This is where the Prostitute engages in the spread of disease, discord, and dishonor into the relationship. This is where the seeds of defamation, contempt, and diminished support enter into the lives of these two. If the two aren’t careful and willing to raise their level of awareness and respect for the relationship, the path to happiness will be slowly, subtly derailed. They will some day find themselves quite unhappy.
So the couple somehow gets beyond the event and is finally getting back on track. Things are now flowing and the smiles and joy find their way back into the daily routines. They talk about dreams, plans, ideas, and events of the day.
But never any more talks about that thing that was their flash point.
And then one day it happens again. Once again they are in the pit of despair, having to grapple with that inner demon called Anger that seeks to Prostitute their happiness. Once again they struggle to believe in one another and find reason to hold steadfast to what they want for their lives.
And once again two very critical things happen. Yes, it happens once again. So now there are two things they will no longer talk about. Now there are two episodes where they went from two people enjoying the love they each share, to two warriors so determined to get their way they would gladly destroy the very prize they had so proudly proclaimed they were ready to enjoy.
And soon we see the pattern evolve. Soon we see with each episode the same thing happening. The two get caught up in their own positions and neither is willing to step up to remind the other of what they are about.
Sadly, after months, years, and sometime decades of this… After deciding there is so few “safe” things to talk about and there are so many episodic explosions, the two one day realize they do not even like the person sleeping soundly beside them.
That Prostitute… she is very good at what she does.
And then one day the two are no more… having a hundred reasons to part ways, and none to remain, repair, and rebuild.
It is a most unfortunate thing that anger has so much power over us. It is sad to see the terrible impact it has in so many lives and how so many so readily give their happiness away to anger. Many storm into a room with a defiant stride and an abundance of “powerful” anger thinking to make a point or get their way only to see, at the end of the road, that it was worthless.
Anger, you see, is the enabler that allows our happiness to be corrupted.
That damn Prostitute…
Here’s the situation and process I’ve witnessed in many occasions, and that, I noticed is presently considered commonplace for so many in our community (sadly):
The two are in a relationship, both proclaiming their love for one another. They have grown to feel they have finally found someone they can be themselves with; someone that values their individuality for what it is; someone that shares common views and interests on many fronts. Off they go, along the thrilling avenues of life, hand-in-had with confidence in their ability to live the lives they had both dreamed of, they bask in the glow of love.
There is no question the two are fully engaged in the relationship and benefiting from accepting one another in their fullness. Both are growing in ways and places they could never have imagined. Together the two possess the ability to overcome each and every obstacle they may face… and do so without skipping a beat. The Love they share is so complete there is nary a single thought given to the notion that this bliss could some day change.
But one day it does.
One day, something happens that begins the dulling process of this once radiant love. This event, while small at first, is the very thing that puts the couple on high alert, and soon becomes the threat to the very thing they both want and value so highly. I like to say it is the first stage in the Prostitution of their Happiness. I say so because it is during these events that the happiness the couple so highly values is relegated to the corruption brought on by the unworthy – and undignified – purposes of anger.
The Scenario:
The two are in conversation, as they have done so a thousand times prior to this moment in time. One of them says something that seems normal and appropriate based upon his/her perspective, and with a desire to further enjoy the discourse. The other person for some reason that might seem unclear, and that certainly comes from a place and awareness not relevant to the present situation, takes offense to what is said. He/she is struck by what he/she just heard and reacts in a way that demonstrates this. To the surprise and bewilderment of the other person, this behavior is off-putting, to say the least. Words are said that could compromise the stability of the once stable platform on which the relationship stands. Emotions spill forth that cast a dark light on one or both of them, neither wanting to take ownership of their role played in the scenario.
Two very critical things happen now: first, the one to which the anger was aimed decides he/she will no longer “talk about that”, second, the one who became angry initially decides he/she was justified in their position, even though the adverse emotional outburst has become the initiating catalyst that may someday defeat the very thing they both want – lasting happiness together.
This is the moment in time when the Prostitute is at the apex of destructive power. This is where the Prostitute engages in the spread of disease, discord, and dishonor into the relationship. This is where the seeds of defamation, contempt, and diminished support enter into the lives of these two. If the two aren’t careful and willing to raise their level of awareness and respect for the relationship, the path to happiness will be slowly, subtly derailed. They will some day find themselves quite unhappy.
So the couple somehow gets beyond the event and is finally getting back on track. Things are now flowing and the smiles and joy find their way back into the daily routines. They talk about dreams, plans, ideas, and events of the day.
But never any more talks about that thing that was their flash point.
And then one day it happens again. Once again they are in the pit of despair, having to grapple with that inner demon called Anger that seeks to Prostitute their happiness. Once again they struggle to believe in one another and find reason to hold steadfast to what they want for their lives.
And once again two very critical things happen. Yes, it happens once again. So now there are two things they will no longer talk about. Now there are two episodes where they went from two people enjoying the love they each share, to two warriors so determined to get their way they would gladly destroy the very prize they had so proudly proclaimed they were ready to enjoy.
And soon we see the pattern evolve. Soon we see with each episode the same thing happening. The two get caught up in their own positions and neither is willing to step up to remind the other of what they are about.
Sadly, after months, years, and sometime decades of this… After deciding there is so few “safe” things to talk about and there are so many episodic explosions, the two one day realize they do not even like the person sleeping soundly beside them.
That Prostitute… she is very good at what she does.
And then one day the two are no more… having a hundred reasons to part ways, and none to remain, repair, and rebuild.
It is a most unfortunate thing that anger has so much power over us. It is sad to see the terrible impact it has in so many lives and how so many so readily give their happiness away to anger. Many storm into a room with a defiant stride and an abundance of “powerful” anger thinking to make a point or get their way only to see, at the end of the road, that it was worthless.
Anger, you see, is the enabler that allows our happiness to be corrupted.
That damn Prostitute…
17 April 2009
No. 66 - Flashback to the Present
Wednesday Night:
I stood there beside my car, alone in the dark as cars passed by and city-sounds echoed off the many building that surrounded me. There I was, needing a minute to clear my mind, to breathe easy, to relax the energy that had developed within me as I prepared to meet with a colleague. The wind was chill and I made sure to zip my coat to the neck.
In the distant, I saw him walking toward me.
I wondered many things as I watched this lone man slowly saunter into my space. Was he under the influence? Was he up to no good? Was I ready to take on and deal with any untoward actions he might attempt against me? These were the thoughts that came and went in my mind as I watched this person come my way.
He approaches, just a few feet away now, and stops. I look at him. He looks at me.
And this is how the conversation went:
Him: Hey man, can you help me… I got just a dollar in my pocket.
Me: Sorry to hear that…
Him: I lost my place six days ago, been living in the streets since.
Me: Wow…
Him: I lost my car because I had some tickets… now I gotta do community service.
Me: Do you have family?
Him: No… no one here… I’m all alone.
I see tears begin to well up in the corners of his eyes. I see his stature dwindle with each word that comes from his mouth.
Him: Haven’t eaten all day… all I got is my health… I just want some milk… can you help me?
I reached into my pocket. I felt his sincerity. Here before me was a man grappling with his own pride and dignity, hoping to find some way to nourish his body, to sooth his mind, to comfort his soul.
Him: I’m strong, I have skills, I am somebody… why is all this happening to me?
Me: I don’t know. I have seven dollars here, you can have five.
Him: Oh, thank you… thank you… things will get better, I know they will.
I gave him the money, he cries openly now. The tears fall boldly from his eyes and I struggle with how to respond. Where is the line that should not be crossed? What “rules” apply to this situation, where one man pleads with another – a stranger, at that – for some reason to remain steadfast in his manhood and know there will be a better day.
Me: Look man, things will get better. Is there anywhere you can go?
Him: I have a friend. He said I can come over anytime. But he wants me to sleep with him.
I stood there perplexed… what is happening to us? How can there be so much dysfunctional thinking and regard for one another in our society. I was at a loss for words. Anger, frustration, embarrassment, sadness and fury all battled within me to become the dominant emotion. What was I to say?
Him: I’ve been up for two days. I’m tired… I guess I’ll have to keep walking.
Me: Hold your head up, Brother. Hold your head up and know that things will get better.
Him: They will, thanks.
He walks away, the five dollars tightly clenched in his hand, his hand secure in his pocket. I can hear his sniffles carry in the wind as his pace hastens. He is now twenty feet away. I pray that this Brother reconnects with his hope, with his sense of greatness, with his deeper inner strength. I see him turn around and come back towards me. He stops, looks at me, the tears no longer present, his back a bit straighter, a look of growing determination upon his face.
Him: Thank you, man… you see, sometimes I just want to talk. Sometimes I just have to get it out… sorry for having to come back.
Me: It’s cool, man…. You just take care. I know how it is, trust me. Just take care and know that things will work out.
Him: They will.
He walks away and this time I can sense he is reconnecting with that part of him that will allow him to keep going.
I watched his walk into the distant night. Cars pass by now and then. The wind carries a chill that is hard to shake but I am somehow distantly removed for it. Soon I can no longer see this Brother but the experience still repeats in my mind. Why had the Universe, the Gods, Our God, and fate brought this experience into my presence? What am I to learn from this meeting? Was it chance?
I realize it’s colder and I need to be on my way… after all, duty was calling. I looked in his direction once again, still pondering our interchange…
It’s been a couple days since that meeting and I continue to reflect upon it. In my work to help build a better community I have come across many different people and many different situations, each of which has helped in shaping how I view the world we live in today. I do not believe my focus in on the negative or “bad” side of society, as some have told me. I am a realist, a pragmatic witness to the realities of the world in which I live. My calling is to absorb the myriad experiences I’ve encountered and find a way to make sense of what is happening to our community. Then I am compelled to share my observations.
I’ve shared this experience with you because it is part of the world we all live in, and if we are truly about wanting a better life for ourselves and those we care about, or even for our community, then we have to find some way to make things better.
I wanted to bring this experience to you so that, in real time, you could flashback to the present – to YOUR present – and look for some small thing you can do, and will do, to make things better for someone else.
I stood there beside my car, alone in the dark as cars passed by and city-sounds echoed off the many building that surrounded me. There I was, needing a minute to clear my mind, to breathe easy, to relax the energy that had developed within me as I prepared to meet with a colleague. The wind was chill and I made sure to zip my coat to the neck.
In the distant, I saw him walking toward me.
I wondered many things as I watched this lone man slowly saunter into my space. Was he under the influence? Was he up to no good? Was I ready to take on and deal with any untoward actions he might attempt against me? These were the thoughts that came and went in my mind as I watched this person come my way.
He approaches, just a few feet away now, and stops. I look at him. He looks at me.
And this is how the conversation went:
Him: Hey man, can you help me… I got just a dollar in my pocket.
Me: Sorry to hear that…
Him: I lost my place six days ago, been living in the streets since.
Me: Wow…
Him: I lost my car because I had some tickets… now I gotta do community service.
Me: Do you have family?
Him: No… no one here… I’m all alone.
I see tears begin to well up in the corners of his eyes. I see his stature dwindle with each word that comes from his mouth.
Him: Haven’t eaten all day… all I got is my health… I just want some milk… can you help me?
I reached into my pocket. I felt his sincerity. Here before me was a man grappling with his own pride and dignity, hoping to find some way to nourish his body, to sooth his mind, to comfort his soul.
Him: I’m strong, I have skills, I am somebody… why is all this happening to me?
Me: I don’t know. I have seven dollars here, you can have five.
Him: Oh, thank you… thank you… things will get better, I know they will.
I gave him the money, he cries openly now. The tears fall boldly from his eyes and I struggle with how to respond. Where is the line that should not be crossed? What “rules” apply to this situation, where one man pleads with another – a stranger, at that – for some reason to remain steadfast in his manhood and know there will be a better day.
Me: Look man, things will get better. Is there anywhere you can go?
Him: I have a friend. He said I can come over anytime. But he wants me to sleep with him.
I stood there perplexed… what is happening to us? How can there be so much dysfunctional thinking and regard for one another in our society. I was at a loss for words. Anger, frustration, embarrassment, sadness and fury all battled within me to become the dominant emotion. What was I to say?
Him: I’ve been up for two days. I’m tired… I guess I’ll have to keep walking.
Me: Hold your head up, Brother. Hold your head up and know that things will get better.
Him: They will, thanks.
He walks away, the five dollars tightly clenched in his hand, his hand secure in his pocket. I can hear his sniffles carry in the wind as his pace hastens. He is now twenty feet away. I pray that this Brother reconnects with his hope, with his sense of greatness, with his deeper inner strength. I see him turn around and come back towards me. He stops, looks at me, the tears no longer present, his back a bit straighter, a look of growing determination upon his face.
Him: Thank you, man… you see, sometimes I just want to talk. Sometimes I just have to get it out… sorry for having to come back.
Me: It’s cool, man…. You just take care. I know how it is, trust me. Just take care and know that things will work out.
Him: They will.
He walks away and this time I can sense he is reconnecting with that part of him that will allow him to keep going.
I watched his walk into the distant night. Cars pass by now and then. The wind carries a chill that is hard to shake but I am somehow distantly removed for it. Soon I can no longer see this Brother but the experience still repeats in my mind. Why had the Universe, the Gods, Our God, and fate brought this experience into my presence? What am I to learn from this meeting? Was it chance?
I realize it’s colder and I need to be on my way… after all, duty was calling. I looked in his direction once again, still pondering our interchange…
It’s been a couple days since that meeting and I continue to reflect upon it. In my work to help build a better community I have come across many different people and many different situations, each of which has helped in shaping how I view the world we live in today. I do not believe my focus in on the negative or “bad” side of society, as some have told me. I am a realist, a pragmatic witness to the realities of the world in which I live. My calling is to absorb the myriad experiences I’ve encountered and find a way to make sense of what is happening to our community. Then I am compelled to share my observations.
I’ve shared this experience with you because it is part of the world we all live in, and if we are truly about wanting a better life for ourselves and those we care about, or even for our community, then we have to find some way to make things better.
I wanted to bring this experience to you so that, in real time, you could flashback to the present – to YOUR present – and look for some small thing you can do, and will do, to make things better for someone else.
09 April 2009
No. 65 - 20 to Life
We sat across from one another, confident in our abilities to discuss and explore an issue that so many others find repulsive. We were both anxious to share our viewpoints while at the same time hoping to discover some insight that might help in understanding what goes on in the mind of those most folk would rather ignore. Our hope was that we could somehow gain a better understanding of the mindset and actions of that group in our society we classify as “criminal”.
I can never know if he had an ulterior motive, wanting to gain some upper hand or favor. In truth, the thought never entered my mind. As I look back at the dialog, I can see that I was genuinely intrigued by the opportunity to learn from this Brother. Indeed, for me, as is ever my way, I simply wanted to understand.
He is six months out of prison, having served twenty years for robbery. He had been caught up in his drug addiction and lost all connection to our “logical” world. His crimes were many, having committed one form of crime or another since a very young age. He did not waver in the telling of his story, having chosen a life of crime and recklessness early in life.
The conversation started with me asking questions around the youth of our day and their untoward acts and behaviors that have so routinely lead them to jail or the penitentiary. I had been wondering what it is within our once innocent children that causes them to break away from what they know is good or right to do that which hurts not just themselves, but also their community. I’m compelled to ask these questions because of the many stories I’ve been privy to, and the observations I’ve made about what I suspect are the root causes. And, I must say, I wanted to determine if my overall assessment of the situation was accurate.
As his story goes, he had made up his mind at a very early age to commit to a life of crime. One thing lead to another and then drugs came into his life… first one kind, and then the next, and so on. Soon he was an addict and did what many addicts do to support their habit…
Ultimately, he landed in prison. He boldly proclaimed that it was there, at that low point in his life, that he committed to fixing what was broken within him.
I wanted to know what had caused his behavior at such a young age, and when did he really begin to come to grips with it.
He reiterated, “It’s what I wanted to do.”
In my mind that was not the core issue. In my mind there had to be some other reason or event that had caused this intelligent man to make those choices at such a young age. I am forced to believe we are all intelligent even at a young age, and we all do know right from wrong.
Here he sat, in his late fifties, a testament to the power of a Man to choose differently even at the lowest point in his life. A Man whose life fully demonstrates that our inner strength will ever be far deeper, much stronger, and more entrenched within us than many would have us believe.
So I pressed the issue.
Being careful to maintain the conversation without focusing on him I said, “Surely, we all know the difference between right and wrong. You said you have siblings that are all considered successes by anyone’s measure… what was it about you that caused you to chose a different path?”
His phone rang and he excused himself. I sat there quietly, considering all he had shared while at the same time wanting to take the dialog further. I hoped he would return so the conversation could progress. I hoped I had not scared him off or offended him in any way.
Shortly, he re-entered the room, a broad smile upon his face. He came straightway to his seat and took it.
“That was a friend of mine. I’ve been talking to her for three months now about staying off drugs and coping with her inner demons. I told her she needs to love herself more than ever before because she is facing major challenges in her life right now”, he said.
“Yeah, I know what you mean… so many women are dealing with so many issues these days”, was my response.
“For sure” he said, “and no matter how bad it gets they have to find the strength. For me, it was God. I don’t preach it or anything like that, but that’s how I got over mine”.
There was a brief pause.
“Her Son is in Juvie Hall and he says he doesn’t want to be there. I told her to tell him he has no choice – because he doesn’t – and she needs to be his Mother now more than ever. Then she went on to tell me because of this and her ongoing mistrust, hurt and the pain still present from a past rape she is tempted to go back to the drugs again”, he said.
“Man, she’s got to find that strength… keep encouraging her...”, I started but then he said something that stopped me.
“When I was in prison I decided I couldn’t keep it in anymore. That’s when I started to heal. I stood up and spoke up about when I was raped. It happened when I was five, then six, then seven… all the way to when I was seventeen. My mother didn’t believe me. Said I was making it up. Do you know how that made me feel!?”
We were there… in the thick of it, and so the conversation flowed… “So you needed something to deal with your hurt?”, I asked.
He was quiet.
“When a child is violated and loses his/her sense of trust, and the very people who are supposed to protect and nurture them do not, they find ways to cope”, I said.
He looked at me a moment and then said, “That’s when I gave up. That’s when I found my way of keeping my pain and hurt in check – the drugs, the alcohol, the crime.”
This is a theme I’ve heard from many of the women whose presence and stories I’ve been honored to share in. It is a theme many in our community hold that, in my opinion, continues to wreak havoc even to this day. We have gotten so far away from a true nurturing community in many cases that our very foundation is shaking loose even as we go about our lives acting as if all is well.
I thought about that conversation the rest of the evening… it’s why I’m compelled to write this… and I’ve come to realize that his prison sentence was far longer than the 20 to life he was given by some judge.
His prison sentence began the day his trust was violated and the lack of support for that young innocent child drove him to seeking and embracing his false sense of security, his “forget-about-the-hurt” remedies.
The final thing he told me was his behavior had changed all those many years ago because he did, so early on in his life, what he thought was necessary to protect his sanity and get through the hurt.
Oh, the sad irony of it all. Oh, the unfortunate truth of that reality. Oh, the painful burden he had been forced to carry all those years.
The bad news is that this was his reality and similar realities exist throughout our community in the lives of so many others.
The good news is we can all learn from this brave Brother. He has been clean and sober for more than fifteen years now and has put his haunts to rest. He has found a way to experience self-love while at the same time forgive those whose actions corrupted his Spirit and became the catalyst that nearly ruined his life. He is a testament to our individual strength to rise above any “assigned” station in life where others think to dictate our destiny. His is a journey that spans decades and is filled with victories over the very things that only perpetuate hurt, but that so many find false solace in.
Would we but listen, would we but learn.
I can never know if he had an ulterior motive, wanting to gain some upper hand or favor. In truth, the thought never entered my mind. As I look back at the dialog, I can see that I was genuinely intrigued by the opportunity to learn from this Brother. Indeed, for me, as is ever my way, I simply wanted to understand.
He is six months out of prison, having served twenty years for robbery. He had been caught up in his drug addiction and lost all connection to our “logical” world. His crimes were many, having committed one form of crime or another since a very young age. He did not waver in the telling of his story, having chosen a life of crime and recklessness early in life.
The conversation started with me asking questions around the youth of our day and their untoward acts and behaviors that have so routinely lead them to jail or the penitentiary. I had been wondering what it is within our once innocent children that causes them to break away from what they know is good or right to do that which hurts not just themselves, but also their community. I’m compelled to ask these questions because of the many stories I’ve been privy to, and the observations I’ve made about what I suspect are the root causes. And, I must say, I wanted to determine if my overall assessment of the situation was accurate.
As his story goes, he had made up his mind at a very early age to commit to a life of crime. One thing lead to another and then drugs came into his life… first one kind, and then the next, and so on. Soon he was an addict and did what many addicts do to support their habit…
Ultimately, he landed in prison. He boldly proclaimed that it was there, at that low point in his life, that he committed to fixing what was broken within him.
I wanted to know what had caused his behavior at such a young age, and when did he really begin to come to grips with it.
He reiterated, “It’s what I wanted to do.”
In my mind that was not the core issue. In my mind there had to be some other reason or event that had caused this intelligent man to make those choices at such a young age. I am forced to believe we are all intelligent even at a young age, and we all do know right from wrong.
Here he sat, in his late fifties, a testament to the power of a Man to choose differently even at the lowest point in his life. A Man whose life fully demonstrates that our inner strength will ever be far deeper, much stronger, and more entrenched within us than many would have us believe.
So I pressed the issue.
Being careful to maintain the conversation without focusing on him I said, “Surely, we all know the difference between right and wrong. You said you have siblings that are all considered successes by anyone’s measure… what was it about you that caused you to chose a different path?”
His phone rang and he excused himself. I sat there quietly, considering all he had shared while at the same time wanting to take the dialog further. I hoped he would return so the conversation could progress. I hoped I had not scared him off or offended him in any way.
Shortly, he re-entered the room, a broad smile upon his face. He came straightway to his seat and took it.
“That was a friend of mine. I’ve been talking to her for three months now about staying off drugs and coping with her inner demons. I told her she needs to love herself more than ever before because she is facing major challenges in her life right now”, he said.
“Yeah, I know what you mean… so many women are dealing with so many issues these days”, was my response.
“For sure” he said, “and no matter how bad it gets they have to find the strength. For me, it was God. I don’t preach it or anything like that, but that’s how I got over mine”.
There was a brief pause.
“Her Son is in Juvie Hall and he says he doesn’t want to be there. I told her to tell him he has no choice – because he doesn’t – and she needs to be his Mother now more than ever. Then she went on to tell me because of this and her ongoing mistrust, hurt and the pain still present from a past rape she is tempted to go back to the drugs again”, he said.
“Man, she’s got to find that strength… keep encouraging her...”, I started but then he said something that stopped me.
“When I was in prison I decided I couldn’t keep it in anymore. That’s when I started to heal. I stood up and spoke up about when I was raped. It happened when I was five, then six, then seven… all the way to when I was seventeen. My mother didn’t believe me. Said I was making it up. Do you know how that made me feel!?”
We were there… in the thick of it, and so the conversation flowed… “So you needed something to deal with your hurt?”, I asked.
He was quiet.
“When a child is violated and loses his/her sense of trust, and the very people who are supposed to protect and nurture them do not, they find ways to cope”, I said.
He looked at me a moment and then said, “That’s when I gave up. That’s when I found my way of keeping my pain and hurt in check – the drugs, the alcohol, the crime.”
This is a theme I’ve heard from many of the women whose presence and stories I’ve been honored to share in. It is a theme many in our community hold that, in my opinion, continues to wreak havoc even to this day. We have gotten so far away from a true nurturing community in many cases that our very foundation is shaking loose even as we go about our lives acting as if all is well.
I thought about that conversation the rest of the evening… it’s why I’m compelled to write this… and I’ve come to realize that his prison sentence was far longer than the 20 to life he was given by some judge.
His prison sentence began the day his trust was violated and the lack of support for that young innocent child drove him to seeking and embracing his false sense of security, his “forget-about-the-hurt” remedies.
The final thing he told me was his behavior had changed all those many years ago because he did, so early on in his life, what he thought was necessary to protect his sanity and get through the hurt.
Oh, the sad irony of it all. Oh, the unfortunate truth of that reality. Oh, the painful burden he had been forced to carry all those years.
The bad news is that this was his reality and similar realities exist throughout our community in the lives of so many others.
The good news is we can all learn from this brave Brother. He has been clean and sober for more than fifteen years now and has put his haunts to rest. He has found a way to experience self-love while at the same time forgive those whose actions corrupted his Spirit and became the catalyst that nearly ruined his life. He is a testament to our individual strength to rise above any “assigned” station in life where others think to dictate our destiny. His is a journey that spans decades and is filled with victories over the very things that only perpetuate hurt, but that so many find false solace in.
Would we but listen, would we but learn.
03 April 2009
No. 64 - How She Cries
I’m writing this after considering some things I had recently heard while working with a group of Women on a project centered around, well, Woman’s issues. I must say I was absolutely floored upon hearing some of the stories these beautiful Sisters shared. These stories will stay with me for a long time to come and I respect the daring, strength and determination of the many Women who felt comfortable enough to share their most personal stories with me in their midst.
In the end, I am saddened by all the hurt, deception, violation of trust, and abandonment that goes on in our community. I feel we have to find a way to overcome these issues in order to have a better experience in this life.
And I am encouraged because the process of healing and recovery has begun. It began the moment these great Women decided it was time to talk about what had happened to them so long ago… and what still happens in our community today. They are on the road to healing.
Try to find a way to take encouragement from this and know that we all have to start talking about the good and bad truths of our lives. This is so because, in order to take back the power and authority to create a stronger community we must first understand we are all either one of two things:
… Part of the problem, or part of the solution.
How She Cries
Upon a time, but not so long ago
I was afraid to see that which is ever before me
My thoughts and machinations were of petty things
Endeavoring to realize some distant goal
Endeavoring to attain some material delight
Yet, never a thought to what is most precious…
Her strength beguiles me, lulls me to a place of solace
And I fail to consider those hidden things that darken Her Soul
I am caused to think that all is well by her joy in the moment
Oblivious to the loud echoes of past hurts that consume Her
Oblivious to the haunting fears that burst into Her reality
Even to this day, only more profound, more pervasive, more contrived
In Her mirror She boldly faces down the monster that seeks Her ruin
She holds Her head high, finding reason to smile, reason to laugh
Reason to move beyond the betrayal that threatens to break Her
She will not allow Her Spirit to be broken
She will not yield to the doom that comes with temptation
Her daily challenge is to find reason to smile, to care, to be
Many look upon Her actions with disdain, contempt, without care
Others laugh at the “pitiful wreak” that fights to forget the pain
Not knowing the inner ordeal, not knowing the flashes of disgust
But She holds fast to Her humanity, even while hidden
But She finds the path to Her own strength, even in the dark
For how can an outsider see the trauma that besets Her
Long ago, in a place that was once safe, secure, called home
She was made to do that which disgusted Her
Over and over, Her trust was betrayed
By the one that was said to be trustworthy
By the one that was supposed to protect Her
Or by the two who had come together to create this beautiful Child
And Her heart ached then as She did Her best to cope
How could they even look at Her, how could She look at them
What was once precious was taken without thought
Taken to never be returned
Taken with no regard to the price She – and we – would ever pay
And the price has been dear to all: tears, hurt, shame, guilt, ignorance
From that moment forward She is changed
Forced to deal with something Her young mind has no preparation for
Made to act as if everything is all right
When in fact Her world has become a nightmare
When in fact She can no longer dream Her innocent dreams
Flashes of fear and hurt become a familiar fixture in Her world
So how does She cry
What has become of this radiant young child that has been so violated
Ten, twenty, thirty, even fifty year later – in this present day
She still sees those sights
She still feels that violation
Only, now the burden is part of Her perception and, it is as it is
We wonder where Her anger draws its power
We think She is crazy, not in touch with reality
Yet She truly is… even more in touch than we are
Because She has not yet found a way to forget
Because the very ones that violated her are still about
And She has held Her pain, Her truth away from all, save a few
She will question you when She cares
She will discard you when She fears
She will love you from Her Soul
She will do so not by being shy, but by being bold
The good in it, the bad in it, the fullness of it
And in the end, if you are enough for Her, She is enough for you
… How She Cries …
Loudly, softly, confidently, fearfully, deeply
Yes, so very deeply
She cries to be free of the haunts, the past hurtful memories
She cries to prevent the lose of Her Soul this tragic violation demands
She cries because She will find a way to breathe
What is the role I must play in all this
Am I the cause for continued duress
Or is mine the hand that will accompany Her in the journey
The choice is ours to make – Hers and mine
Yet, I’ve long known:
A challenging journey shared is always a better journey survived.
In the end, I am saddened by all the hurt, deception, violation of trust, and abandonment that goes on in our community. I feel we have to find a way to overcome these issues in order to have a better experience in this life.
And I am encouraged because the process of healing and recovery has begun. It began the moment these great Women decided it was time to talk about what had happened to them so long ago… and what still happens in our community today. They are on the road to healing.
Try to find a way to take encouragement from this and know that we all have to start talking about the good and bad truths of our lives. This is so because, in order to take back the power and authority to create a stronger community we must first understand we are all either one of two things:
… Part of the problem, or part of the solution.
How She Cries
Upon a time, but not so long ago
I was afraid to see that which is ever before me
My thoughts and machinations were of petty things
Endeavoring to realize some distant goal
Endeavoring to attain some material delight
Yet, never a thought to what is most precious…
Her strength beguiles me, lulls me to a place of solace
And I fail to consider those hidden things that darken Her Soul
I am caused to think that all is well by her joy in the moment
Oblivious to the loud echoes of past hurts that consume Her
Oblivious to the haunting fears that burst into Her reality
Even to this day, only more profound, more pervasive, more contrived
In Her mirror She boldly faces down the monster that seeks Her ruin
She holds Her head high, finding reason to smile, reason to laugh
Reason to move beyond the betrayal that threatens to break Her
She will not allow Her Spirit to be broken
She will not yield to the doom that comes with temptation
Her daily challenge is to find reason to smile, to care, to be
Many look upon Her actions with disdain, contempt, without care
Others laugh at the “pitiful wreak” that fights to forget the pain
Not knowing the inner ordeal, not knowing the flashes of disgust
But She holds fast to Her humanity, even while hidden
But She finds the path to Her own strength, even in the dark
For how can an outsider see the trauma that besets Her
Long ago, in a place that was once safe, secure, called home
She was made to do that which disgusted Her
Over and over, Her trust was betrayed
By the one that was said to be trustworthy
By the one that was supposed to protect Her
Or by the two who had come together to create this beautiful Child
And Her heart ached then as She did Her best to cope
How could they even look at Her, how could She look at them
What was once precious was taken without thought
Taken to never be returned
Taken with no regard to the price She – and we – would ever pay
And the price has been dear to all: tears, hurt, shame, guilt, ignorance
From that moment forward She is changed
Forced to deal with something Her young mind has no preparation for
Made to act as if everything is all right
When in fact Her world has become a nightmare
When in fact She can no longer dream Her innocent dreams
Flashes of fear and hurt become a familiar fixture in Her world
So how does She cry
What has become of this radiant young child that has been so violated
Ten, twenty, thirty, even fifty year later – in this present day
She still sees those sights
She still feels that violation
Only, now the burden is part of Her perception and, it is as it is
We wonder where Her anger draws its power
We think She is crazy, not in touch with reality
Yet She truly is… even more in touch than we are
Because She has not yet found a way to forget
Because the very ones that violated her are still about
And She has held Her pain, Her truth away from all, save a few
She will question you when She cares
She will discard you when She fears
She will love you from Her Soul
She will do so not by being shy, but by being bold
The good in it, the bad in it, the fullness of it
And in the end, if you are enough for Her, She is enough for you
… How She Cries …
Loudly, softly, confidently, fearfully, deeply
Yes, so very deeply
She cries to be free of the haunts, the past hurtful memories
She cries to prevent the lose of Her Soul this tragic violation demands
She cries because She will find a way to breathe
What is the role I must play in all this
Am I the cause for continued duress
Or is mine the hand that will accompany Her in the journey
The choice is ours to make – Hers and mine
Yet, I’ve long known:
A challenging journey shared is always a better journey survived.
29 March 2009
No. 63 - Heaven at Our Doors
Sometimes, when we are open to the gifts of light and life that await us, when we have stopped our daily toil long enough to breathe, when we allow ourselves to put our guard down long enough to feel the warm Sunlight… it is then that we are exposed to the Heaven at Our Doors.
For so long I’ve been sharing my vision of a better community, of Men and Women treating one another with love, respect, and kindness. So long I’ve found reason to maintain my faith in Our Human Spirit and need to experience a higher sense of community, not because it was always the reality of my life, but because somewhere in my past I had once eaten of that luscious fruit and my Soul would not rest until I ate of it again. Ultimately, I have believed this kind of lifestyle is possible regardless of the challenges and pains anyone of us might have faced – or might ever face.
On Saturday I was invited to a colleagues home to take it easy and spend time with friends. I didn’t know any of the people there, save the one individual that invited me. Naturally, I went. It wasn’t long before I was chatting with Men and Women about things both professional and personal. I wandered amidst this small crowd of friends and family (I was the foreigner) and at no time did I feel I was an outsider. Everyone approached me and we shared laughs, stories, and kindness.
And the story gets even better...
There was a time when I passed through the aromatic dining room where couples were sharing meals and chatting it up, as I went to sit in the living room. It wasn’t until after I had sat down to really take in the experience that I noticed all the smiling faces of the ten to fifteen beautiful little children that sat and ran about, or stopped to look at me. It was the most powerful experience I have had in many years. It was the manifestation of tangible evidence that Love abounds at every level. I did not see arguing, disdain, or contempt for or in anyone. The fact the children were playing freely together was precious. And the fact everyone made it his or her goal to at least shake my hand and say hello simply blew my mind.
It dawned on me this was the first time in a very long time that I was exposed to such support and giving without even the slightest hint of negative energy.
As I walked home I wondered why so many of us have stopped doing this. Why have we forsaken our time-honored tradition of coming together to reinforce our sense of community and familial bond? How is it that we have allowed our gains, pain, suffering, loss, or hardships to replace our necessary need for come together to appreciate one another in happiness? And how can we so willingly allow the simple Heavenly action of coming together in the spirit of sharing, giving, nurturing, and healing to fade from our family traditions?
We have work to do.
On Sunday, as I so often do, I visited another Church. I heard talks of love and compassion, of healing and of coming together. As I listened I smiled openly because it came to me that – here again – our Churches are doing their level best to help us remember that we are all in this together, that we can all share in a greater joy, sense of personal fulfillment, and community pride if (and when) we decide to come together.
What is important to note is that many Churches continue to fight for our livelihood and happiness even in the midst of all the storms our hard-hit communities endure. They are steadfast and dedicated to helping even ONE person live a healthier, happier life. There are many faith leaders that espouse the words and ideals that can create for us, a Heaven in our midst. And we all ought to commend them.
All too often we have bought into the divisive ideals or opinions that keep us out of Church or away from our community. All too often we rather find reason to minimize or even excuse the role Church plays in our lives for the sake of some convenient habit we have come to cherish.
But look at the where we are today. We are now killing one another more so than ever before – and for the simplest of irrational reasons. Our kids raise themselves and have no respect for themselves, their elders, their community… Each passing month more of us are losing interest in our dreams, and even greater numbers are giving up in fear of what they have thought themselves into believing. This is our justification for giving up?
Someone once asked me what Church do I belong to. My answer is simple. I belong to all Churches and I belong to all communities that seek to do good for themselves and create a more enriching, enlightened, or successful society.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that you start going to church…especially those who have completely written off the value our Churches have in our communities. I am suggesting that it is long past time for us to stop the perpetual rhetoric, the cyclical complaining, and the convenient finger pointing, and that we start looking for reasons to come together now in support of one another.
Potlucks, family support groups, getting all the kids together at the park, taking time to visit a loved one that has been quietly suffering in lonesomeness and/or illness – these are the things we CAN do that cost little in comparison to what we all will gain. We have a ton of good experiences right on the other side of the door…
So, Heaven is at Our Doors… we simple have to take action to open them.
For so long I’ve been sharing my vision of a better community, of Men and Women treating one another with love, respect, and kindness. So long I’ve found reason to maintain my faith in Our Human Spirit and need to experience a higher sense of community, not because it was always the reality of my life, but because somewhere in my past I had once eaten of that luscious fruit and my Soul would not rest until I ate of it again. Ultimately, I have believed this kind of lifestyle is possible regardless of the challenges and pains anyone of us might have faced – or might ever face.
On Saturday I was invited to a colleagues home to take it easy and spend time with friends. I didn’t know any of the people there, save the one individual that invited me. Naturally, I went. It wasn’t long before I was chatting with Men and Women about things both professional and personal. I wandered amidst this small crowd of friends and family (I was the foreigner) and at no time did I feel I was an outsider. Everyone approached me and we shared laughs, stories, and kindness.
And the story gets even better...
There was a time when I passed through the aromatic dining room where couples were sharing meals and chatting it up, as I went to sit in the living room. It wasn’t until after I had sat down to really take in the experience that I noticed all the smiling faces of the ten to fifteen beautiful little children that sat and ran about, or stopped to look at me. It was the most powerful experience I have had in many years. It was the manifestation of tangible evidence that Love abounds at every level. I did not see arguing, disdain, or contempt for or in anyone. The fact the children were playing freely together was precious. And the fact everyone made it his or her goal to at least shake my hand and say hello simply blew my mind.
It dawned on me this was the first time in a very long time that I was exposed to such support and giving without even the slightest hint of negative energy.
As I walked home I wondered why so many of us have stopped doing this. Why have we forsaken our time-honored tradition of coming together to reinforce our sense of community and familial bond? How is it that we have allowed our gains, pain, suffering, loss, or hardships to replace our necessary need for come together to appreciate one another in happiness? And how can we so willingly allow the simple Heavenly action of coming together in the spirit of sharing, giving, nurturing, and healing to fade from our family traditions?
We have work to do.
On Sunday, as I so often do, I visited another Church. I heard talks of love and compassion, of healing and of coming together. As I listened I smiled openly because it came to me that – here again – our Churches are doing their level best to help us remember that we are all in this together, that we can all share in a greater joy, sense of personal fulfillment, and community pride if (and when) we decide to come together.
What is important to note is that many Churches continue to fight for our livelihood and happiness even in the midst of all the storms our hard-hit communities endure. They are steadfast and dedicated to helping even ONE person live a healthier, happier life. There are many faith leaders that espouse the words and ideals that can create for us, a Heaven in our midst. And we all ought to commend them.
All too often we have bought into the divisive ideals or opinions that keep us out of Church or away from our community. All too often we rather find reason to minimize or even excuse the role Church plays in our lives for the sake of some convenient habit we have come to cherish.
But look at the where we are today. We are now killing one another more so than ever before – and for the simplest of irrational reasons. Our kids raise themselves and have no respect for themselves, their elders, their community… Each passing month more of us are losing interest in our dreams, and even greater numbers are giving up in fear of what they have thought themselves into believing. This is our justification for giving up?
Someone once asked me what Church do I belong to. My answer is simple. I belong to all Churches and I belong to all communities that seek to do good for themselves and create a more enriching, enlightened, or successful society.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that you start going to church…especially those who have completely written off the value our Churches have in our communities. I am suggesting that it is long past time for us to stop the perpetual rhetoric, the cyclical complaining, and the convenient finger pointing, and that we start looking for reasons to come together now in support of one another.
Potlucks, family support groups, getting all the kids together at the park, taking time to visit a loved one that has been quietly suffering in lonesomeness and/or illness – these are the things we CAN do that cost little in comparison to what we all will gain. We have a ton of good experiences right on the other side of the door…
So, Heaven is at Our Doors… we simple have to take action to open them.
No. 62 - The African Teacher
Last night I watched a show on HG TV and was quite intrigued by the content they chose to show. There is this Tribe in Africa called the Himba and they have maintained their family bonds since the beginning of time. (And by the way, they are Black, like you -- and that’s a good thing). I watched intently and was drawn to the stunning difference between their world and mine. I soon came to the conclusion that their world IS mine, and my world IS theirs.
To put it another way, I think we no longer need to say “how great we were”… Africa has been crying out to us, telling us in real time how great we are.
So why have we gotten to the place and time in this, our American “history” that is so dark, hurtful, dysfunctional and broken? What reasons do we have that justify collectively turning our backs to the powerful lessons of community that our Ancestors still demonstrate today?
The memories of the young African man will all be examples of learning and wisdom… of thoughts of the African father taking his small child to the field and TEACHING him how to sustain his life, and that of the community he so desperately needs… teaching him the value of familial integrity, wisdom, respect, and honor. He teaches his young child how to avoid the peril and pitfalls of life’s odyssey so the young man, once released into the community, is ready to be a Man. The Africa Teacher will work along side his beloved Son in the heat of the day knowing full-well it is his duty and honor to teach his child to survive. No matter what challenge he and his family will face, they will face it together. It is the difference between life and death.The memories of too many American Black Youth are not the same. They are dark, filled with thoughts of anger, hurt, shame, fear, and distrust. While there is always that faint glimmer of brightness and hope, it is slow in coming, and quick at visiting. Their music is telling them to have no regard for, or commitment to, their community. Their video games are teaching them to hurt one another… to steal away in the darkness and do some ruinous act to another person, simply for the rush of it. It is the difference between life and death.
They are handed-off from grade to grade with little reason to try because they have more bad memories than good, and We haven’t made it our mission to give them better.
…And they are not yet ready to live as Men because WE have not taught them. Our actions as men have been less about uniting and sustaining, and more about dividing, defeating, diminishing.
It all makes sense, now.
We Black Men in America need to step up to the plate and stop the non-sense, and then recommit to being better Men. If there is any truth or rationale to what I propose then you must do something about this. If you feel this is simply rhetoric, then thanks for reading… please do continue.
Now, I’m not saying we can flip a switch and start to make a difference… the better question is how can we flip the switch?
We are a brilliant people, designed to survive anything, and I think we simply need to re-align that brilliance. I think we need to make a decision to stop destroying our communities, our families, our selves. When one hurts we all hurt. So, to me, it doesn’t really matter what side a person may take, if it isn’t OUR side then EVERYONE will be hurting. If you would just stop and think about who is hurting it is clear everyone is.
I think as Men we need to learn how to teach our young Men to become old Men. We need to learn how to come together as a community of brothers ALL working towards a better life for our families. We need to find that wise old Grandfather – or Grandfather-Person – who has been married for thirty proud years, ask His advise, and start listening to what he says. And we need to start forgiving others and ourselves.
Here is a test: Take a penny and put it on a table. Wait one second. Then two. Now, try to pick the penny up. GREAT YOU DID IT! So here’s the question: Did you try to pick the penny up, or did you pick the penny up?
An observation: A person will choose to do something or they won’t. No in-betweens. Trying does not exist when it comes to our will power. We either will or we won’t.
Most importantly, WE have the will to DO what we want.
So, I guess I was saying we can flip the switch – but, alas, I had figured that out (I’m just enjoying the sharing of these thoughts)…
In any event, I know this is a touchy subject so I tried to take a lighter approach (believe it or not). I hope it in some way causes you to think about the (African and American) worlds you (Black Men) live in, and understand that we do have it within us to come together as a community of great people committed to the survival and betterment of ALL of us.
I hope it causes you to talk to someone you love and/or care about and ask them what they think. A passing stranger would work well also.
As I contrast the two approaches and consider which might be in the true best interest of our community’s survival, in all honesty and fairness, I would much rather the African Approach to building Men. I think the results are there for all to see.
All praises to The African Teacher.
10 March 2009
No. 61 - Dream==World
A few minutes ago I awakened abruptly from what I had hoped would be a pleasant night of sleep that, in truth, was a night of dream-filled torment. I recall my breath coming in sharply, a sense of urgency, feelings of sadness, despair, anger. I looked around to see where I was… had I just experienced something real? The images, sensations, conversations and perspectives I had while in deep slumber seemed to be so real to me… so real and so genuine that now, even as I sit here awake, part of my minds eye is still considering the messages and lesson to be learned that can be gleaned from that dream==world.
There was a place, a different world, inhabited by many different peoples, all who had found a way to live together peacefully. Each sect was different – looked different, had different cultures, and acted in ways that suited them. Theirs was a prosperous land, having no need for war, no need for anger, no need for jails, and no interest in exploiting their own language. They dealt with their issues with rules and laws that insured one group could not benefit from the other.
Then there was another group… the group that felt envy, fear, hatred, malice, and every other kind of fear based negative emotion one could have. This group was collectively guided by their unyielding need to offset their overwhelming sense of fear with their even great need for power. They had watched the peaceful people for some time and concluded that even while these people “appeared” to be calm, they were only acting this way as a way to fool their enemy. “Sure”, they thought, “a group as mighty as this would some day be a threat…”. “Surely”, they reasoned, “these people were up to no good.”
And so, the one group attacked the other.
When the attacks began the peaceful people came together to understand their options and decide what to do in their best interests. Surely, these actions against them had not been provoked… It was decided that they should leave their land to find another place where they could create a home, and so every one of these people gathered what was necessary and left.
The attacks continued. Everywhere they went they where attacked… their numbers began to shrink. Fathers would go into the field to find sustenance for the wandering family only to never be seen again… or worse…
After a time a stirring began within the peaceful group. Many of the people that had lost someone close decided they would run no more. They would take up arms and defend their people. Many of the elders resisted this notion because it was not the way of their culture and they feared this kind of change would not help -- but only introduce the very behaviors that had killed so many of the peaceful people -- into their very presence. The defender group would not hear these warnings.
And so a new fight began, now with the thinking that this is the only way to send a message to the evil group that their attacks would no longer be tolerated. Initially this response had the impact of stunning the other side… but only temporarily.
As the fighting wore on the landscape became barren and would not support the people. Food became scare and the peaceful people were forced to stay in their resting places longer because they had to cover more ground with each move. Their people were scared, tired, hurting, hungry.
As things continued to worsen, the elders came together and all agreed that this was the beginning of an end for their cultures. They had seen that now even members of their own community had become as heartless and brutal as the very group from which they were protecting their people. “Evil begets Evil”, became the mantra that resonated from lip to ear throughout group.
Finally, on the day of the end, the last battle was fought. It is here that this dream and my reality blended in the way that ultimately caused me to awaken in a panic. I saw many terrible acts of brutality happen to these people… to ALL of the people.
At times I was an observer, a fly on the wall, an element of wind that happened to breeze by the torrential flood of hurt, pain and devastation.
And at other times I found myself wielding some sinister form of weaponry in defense of someone I loved and/or cared about, ready to die (or bring death to the attacker) for what I believed was the right thing to do. My mind saw the ravages of war, and what one fearful man could do to another. My perspective was shockingly draw to the intimate detail of mothers and children wailing in agony as they saw the one they loved lost in battle.
This visage disturbed me to the point I needed to yell for it all to end. No more could I bear the with-ness of these images, the with-ness of the screams of agony, the with-ness of the mental hardship so many where forced to bear.
It took me half a second to wake up. It took me ten minutes to calm myself down and realize it was only a dream – a nightmare. It took me twenty minutes to decide I needed to write about this.
It’s taken me six years of work in the streets and witnessing the traumatic affects and impact of fighting, hurting, emotional dysfunction, and minimal (or non-existent) respect for others to come to more fully appreciate one key question I think we should all consider more carefully:
How closely do our dreams and our realities align?
There was a place, a different world, inhabited by many different peoples, all who had found a way to live together peacefully. Each sect was different – looked different, had different cultures, and acted in ways that suited them. Theirs was a prosperous land, having no need for war, no need for anger, no need for jails, and no interest in exploiting their own language. They dealt with their issues with rules and laws that insured one group could not benefit from the other.
Then there was another group… the group that felt envy, fear, hatred, malice, and every other kind of fear based negative emotion one could have. This group was collectively guided by their unyielding need to offset their overwhelming sense of fear with their even great need for power. They had watched the peaceful people for some time and concluded that even while these people “appeared” to be calm, they were only acting this way as a way to fool their enemy. “Sure”, they thought, “a group as mighty as this would some day be a threat…”. “Surely”, they reasoned, “these people were up to no good.”
And so, the one group attacked the other.
When the attacks began the peaceful people came together to understand their options and decide what to do in their best interests. Surely, these actions against them had not been provoked… It was decided that they should leave their land to find another place where they could create a home, and so every one of these people gathered what was necessary and left.
The attacks continued. Everywhere they went they where attacked… their numbers began to shrink. Fathers would go into the field to find sustenance for the wandering family only to never be seen again… or worse…
After a time a stirring began within the peaceful group. Many of the people that had lost someone close decided they would run no more. They would take up arms and defend their people. Many of the elders resisted this notion because it was not the way of their culture and they feared this kind of change would not help -- but only introduce the very behaviors that had killed so many of the peaceful people -- into their very presence. The defender group would not hear these warnings.
And so a new fight began, now with the thinking that this is the only way to send a message to the evil group that their attacks would no longer be tolerated. Initially this response had the impact of stunning the other side… but only temporarily.
As the fighting wore on the landscape became barren and would not support the people. Food became scare and the peaceful people were forced to stay in their resting places longer because they had to cover more ground with each move. Their people were scared, tired, hurting, hungry.
As things continued to worsen, the elders came together and all agreed that this was the beginning of an end for their cultures. They had seen that now even members of their own community had become as heartless and brutal as the very group from which they were protecting their people. “Evil begets Evil”, became the mantra that resonated from lip to ear throughout group.
Finally, on the day of the end, the last battle was fought. It is here that this dream and my reality blended in the way that ultimately caused me to awaken in a panic. I saw many terrible acts of brutality happen to these people… to ALL of the people.
At times I was an observer, a fly on the wall, an element of wind that happened to breeze by the torrential flood of hurt, pain and devastation.
And at other times I found myself wielding some sinister form of weaponry in defense of someone I loved and/or cared about, ready to die (or bring death to the attacker) for what I believed was the right thing to do. My mind saw the ravages of war, and what one fearful man could do to another. My perspective was shockingly draw to the intimate detail of mothers and children wailing in agony as they saw the one they loved lost in battle.
This visage disturbed me to the point I needed to yell for it all to end. No more could I bear the with-ness of these images, the with-ness of the screams of agony, the with-ness of the mental hardship so many where forced to bear.
It took me half a second to wake up. It took me ten minutes to calm myself down and realize it was only a dream – a nightmare. It took me twenty minutes to decide I needed to write about this.
It’s taken me six years of work in the streets and witnessing the traumatic affects and impact of fighting, hurting, emotional dysfunction, and minimal (or non-existent) respect for others to come to more fully appreciate one key question I think we should all consider more carefully:
How closely do our dreams and our realities align?
05 February 2009
No. 60 - On Feeling Good
Over the years I’ve gone through a process of self and communal introspection. I have always wanted to make a better person of myself, and along the way became compelled into a similar interest in my Community. I was unsure what I was doing and where my path would lead yet I gratefully accepted the challenge and wonderment of the journey. All along the way I was faced with myriad emotions, from sad, to frustrated, frustrated to Joy, and Joy to a sense of contentment. The journey didn’t lead me to a place where I could enjoy consistently good feeling until I came to a truth that had eluded me. Once I say it, I had to change the way in which I had viewed things, and then the journey became even sweeter.
But let me go back to something… What is it about my journey that has caused me to stay the course, and to keep going even when there appeared to be nowhere to go at all?
And of your journey, what keeps you on course?
All around us we hear of the recession, the housing markets, blatant actions of greed or disrespect for the Community. So many have lost jobs, or will lose their jobs, the market has gone mad, and all of the “leaders” are asking what needs to be done?
I think we can safely say the rest of our Country is now facing the very realities that have shaped our experiences in this Country. I have heard from strangers and colleagues alike that change is indeed here, and they are ready to start rebuilding.
Perhaps I digressed… my apologies.
I’ve come to understand there is so much truth in the ideal of Organizing and Working to build our Community. President Obama is completely right. In fact, it is how he came to his current occupation (that’s something to think about). There is no question in my mind that we will succeed in rebuilding this Country, and it will be what we envision it will be. As I go about meeting with various Leaders of our community, I can see all the answers and programs are lined up to begin the process readily. In the words of a great Politician, “We are shovel ready!”
How is this all connected, one might ask. A grand question, indeed. And here’s the truth of the matter:
Nothing makes YOU feel better then when you find an answer to a question. When you have scratched your head, looked all over and still can’t find what you are looking for, you become stressed, bothered, agitated, even angry at times. But in the moment that you find what you had looked so tenaciously, your entire being breathes a shy of relief that opened you up to feeling so very good. True or false, I ask?
This reality applies to everything we do. No wonder our Community has been at such odds with the World. No wonder we are killing ourselves in desperation and fear. So many of us have never *even* had the opportunity to find what they seek. They have never – or rarely – been able to appreciate that wealth of good feelings that comes from finding what they seek.
But how can we “magically” create a situation that will give our Community the experiences that are required to wake their good feelings up? There is no magic involved and the experience can be provided quite easily.
If just one person can feel such goodness, imagine what would happen when we multiply it. Imagine what would happen if we could magnify it and apply it to every aspect of our lives. (For those who might be a bit less “idealistic”, thanks for reading, please continue). This is not an ideal but a practical experience (thereby a practical reality) that we can, should, and MUST provide in our Community rebuilding process.
The process is simple. Encourage all people to work for their community.
Regardless of where or how or what that work might be, it will cause us to come together and to find the answers to our problems. I can assure you there are many Leaders that want to help and that want input on how to move forward, and these Leaders are men and women of action.
I should be clear about something: Working for the Community is more than just doing a job from 9-5. It is more than just watching the day pass by while hoping for a better tomorrow.
It is the most gratifying and uplifting experience we should all enjoy. And we CAN all enjoy it. There is nothing like being respected and heard, and then actively engaging the process to make things happen. Once you get hooked, you won’t want to turn it loose.
Ultimately, we have all been after gaining the power to make things better… it is why we live and work.
The value of working for the Community is that it gives you the reason and the power to move your agenda forward and reap the many benefits that come with having tangible proof that you are doing good.
On Feeling Good: No matter how good you might feel when you are alone, you will always share in a greater goodness when it is done with, for, and on behalf of others.
But let me go back to something… What is it about my journey that has caused me to stay the course, and to keep going even when there appeared to be nowhere to go at all?
And of your journey, what keeps you on course?
All around us we hear of the recession, the housing markets, blatant actions of greed or disrespect for the Community. So many have lost jobs, or will lose their jobs, the market has gone mad, and all of the “leaders” are asking what needs to be done?
I think we can safely say the rest of our Country is now facing the very realities that have shaped our experiences in this Country. I have heard from strangers and colleagues alike that change is indeed here, and they are ready to start rebuilding.
Perhaps I digressed… my apologies.
I’ve come to understand there is so much truth in the ideal of Organizing and Working to build our Community. President Obama is completely right. In fact, it is how he came to his current occupation (that’s something to think about). There is no question in my mind that we will succeed in rebuilding this Country, and it will be what we envision it will be. As I go about meeting with various Leaders of our community, I can see all the answers and programs are lined up to begin the process readily. In the words of a great Politician, “We are shovel ready!”
How is this all connected, one might ask. A grand question, indeed. And here’s the truth of the matter:
Nothing makes YOU feel better then when you find an answer to a question. When you have scratched your head, looked all over and still can’t find what you are looking for, you become stressed, bothered, agitated, even angry at times. But in the moment that you find what you had looked so tenaciously, your entire being breathes a shy of relief that opened you up to feeling so very good. True or false, I ask?
This reality applies to everything we do. No wonder our Community has been at such odds with the World. No wonder we are killing ourselves in desperation and fear. So many of us have never *even* had the opportunity to find what they seek. They have never – or rarely – been able to appreciate that wealth of good feelings that comes from finding what they seek.
But how can we “magically” create a situation that will give our Community the experiences that are required to wake their good feelings up? There is no magic involved and the experience can be provided quite easily.
If just one person can feel such goodness, imagine what would happen when we multiply it. Imagine what would happen if we could magnify it and apply it to every aspect of our lives. (For those who might be a bit less “idealistic”, thanks for reading, please continue). This is not an ideal but a practical experience (thereby a practical reality) that we can, should, and MUST provide in our Community rebuilding process.
The process is simple. Encourage all people to work for their community.
Regardless of where or how or what that work might be, it will cause us to come together and to find the answers to our problems. I can assure you there are many Leaders that want to help and that want input on how to move forward, and these Leaders are men and women of action.
I should be clear about something: Working for the Community is more than just doing a job from 9-5. It is more than just watching the day pass by while hoping for a better tomorrow.
It is the most gratifying and uplifting experience we should all enjoy. And we CAN all enjoy it. There is nothing like being respected and heard, and then actively engaging the process to make things happen. Once you get hooked, you won’t want to turn it loose.
Ultimately, we have all been after gaining the power to make things better… it is why we live and work.
The value of working for the Community is that it gives you the reason and the power to move your agenda forward and reap the many benefits that come with having tangible proof that you are doing good.
On Feeling Good: No matter how good you might feel when you are alone, you will always share in a greater goodness when it is done with, for, and on behalf of others.
01 February 2009
No. 59 - Behavior * Habit
Our behavior is so much a part of who we are that in many cases it precedes us. We are characterized by the way in which we conduct ourselves and this, to most people, represents who we are and what is important to us. We may demonstrate a profound patience in the midst of some major storm in life. We might demonstrate some deep anger as we act out against those we perceive are "out to get us". Or we might be known for our humble regard for humanity and our soft approach to engaging with others. These behaviors, and many others, all help to shape how others think of us, and they help to create expectations.
But what of our habits? Is there a difference between the two? We may wake up and jump out of the bed, filled with energy every day while others might want to roll over and sleep for another hour. We might want to say hello to people we pass in the streets while others would rather hold their head down, lost in their own world. These habits do the very thing our behavior does... they help others establish the way in which they regard us.
Behavior * habits. How is it that so much of what we do as inter-connected humans can come from such an integral part of individual life? Was the human being created with the full knowledge that our behavior * habits would be so central to our individual identity? And how does this relate to (or impact) the many challenges we face as a society on the verge of major strife and sacrifice?
I say this intimately integrated part of human existence has far more to do with the world around us than we would normally want to consider. Far more indeed, yet not in the way we might imagine. All too often we externalize the world, the problems we all face - after all, we are community - and the way in which these social challenges must be overcome. We rather point the finger and reason that this person, group, mentality, or cause is the source of the crippling challenges which plaque all communities. We take an off-hand approach to solutions because we spend so much time talking and considering, plotting and staging, reviewing and assessing that we rarely are able to respond to the needs of the community in a timely fashion.
Worse, we give away our power to impact our community for the good when we sit back and accept some unfortunate "produced reality" instead of wielding our individual and collective power to affect some needed change.
So what of the internal (individual) aspects of behavior * habits?
I think we all have the capacity to become the initiators of the change our community so needs. I think genius, persistence, integrity, vision, and heroes abound in our community and we have but to acknowledge these things for them to be raised to a greater level of respect and appreciation by all.
Yet, the question persists: What of behavior * habits?
Well, I think there is an obvious truth, and a real solution to how to move forward towards building the kind of community and family that we all want and need. I think, all too often, we cannot see the forest for the trees... we are so close to the destiny that we cannot see we are there.
What am I saying? I'm saying all of the things that must be done, that are crying to be done, to build strong community by overcoming the "systems and obstacles" that we have been so anchored to, will only be overcome when we make a conscious decision to roll our sleeves up and do what is needed to build up, safeguard, re-create, and sustain our communities. We have to make the choice to do so, we have to be willing to do the work of engaging our communities, and then we have to make a way to bring our people together around doing good for all.
Ultimately, we have a supreme responsibility. I have to behave my and you have to behave your habits.
But what of our habits? Is there a difference between the two? We may wake up and jump out of the bed, filled with energy every day while others might want to roll over and sleep for another hour. We might want to say hello to people we pass in the streets while others would rather hold their head down, lost in their own world. These habits do the very thing our behavior does... they help others establish the way in which they regard us.
Behavior * habits. How is it that so much of what we do as inter-connected humans can come from such an integral part of individual life? Was the human being created with the full knowledge that our behavior * habits would be so central to our individual identity? And how does this relate to (or impact) the many challenges we face as a society on the verge of major strife and sacrifice?
I say this intimately integrated part of human existence has far more to do with the world around us than we would normally want to consider. Far more indeed, yet not in the way we might imagine. All too often we externalize the world, the problems we all face - after all, we are community - and the way in which these social challenges must be overcome. We rather point the finger and reason that this person, group, mentality, or cause is the source of the crippling challenges which plaque all communities. We take an off-hand approach to solutions because we spend so much time talking and considering, plotting and staging, reviewing and assessing that we rarely are able to respond to the needs of the community in a timely fashion.
Worse, we give away our power to impact our community for the good when we sit back and accept some unfortunate "produced reality" instead of wielding our individual and collective power to affect some needed change.
So what of the internal (individual) aspects of behavior * habits?
I think we all have the capacity to become the initiators of the change our community so needs. I think genius, persistence, integrity, vision, and heroes abound in our community and we have but to acknowledge these things for them to be raised to a greater level of respect and appreciation by all.
Yet, the question persists: What of behavior * habits?
Well, I think there is an obvious truth, and a real solution to how to move forward towards building the kind of community and family that we all want and need. I think, all too often, we cannot see the forest for the trees... we are so close to the destiny that we cannot see we are there.
What am I saying? I'm saying all of the things that must be done, that are crying to be done, to build strong community by overcoming the "systems and obstacles" that we have been so anchored to, will only be overcome when we make a conscious decision to roll our sleeves up and do what is needed to build up, safeguard, re-create, and sustain our communities. We have to make the choice to do so, we have to be willing to do the work of engaging our communities, and then we have to make a way to bring our people together around doing good for all.
Ultimately, we have a supreme responsibility. I have to behave my and you have to behave your habits.
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